Travis is trapped in a vicious cycle full of self-hatred, anger and confusion and writes it all down in his diary since he has no one who listens to him.
Until the day he gets a second chance.
⚠️TW for: Homophobic language, Su1c1dal thoughts, Physic...
It's been a while that i've wrote down something in my diary. My dad has been really annoying the last week and has been checking out my room alot to see if i hide something from him. He often does that. He found my diary and of course he has read it. But...little did he know, it isnt my only diary i have. Thank god he only found my fake diary. The one i write down things that arent true and i pretend i love my life, In case he would find it...like he did. I had to be careful and watch out for the right moment to take out my actual diary and go to the local forest to write everything down that bothers me.
The forest is like a safe place for me. Its quiet. No one bothers you. You're just alone here. It honestly helps me to not to be anxious all the time. That someones watching me, judging me, hating me. Anxiety sucks to be honest. Mostly in school or at home...and...by the way school. This....god forsaken place named school is hell itself. All those subjects, teachers, rules....they all annoy me so much. But most of them this...this boy.
This goddamn boy named Sal Fisher and his homo friends. Everyone just calls him Sally Face. I know i've been writing down alot about this boy since he's at our school but...i dont know. I just think about him all the time. I dont know if that is guilt, guilt i feel towards him, everytime i hurt him or his friends. I dont know if that what i feel towards him is hate, hate towards his...homosexual appearance and his homosexual friends. Or Maybe even something else. I dont know what it is or since when it is here. I only know, since he moved into our school my internal chaos got much worse. As if it wasnt enough because of my dad and school in general...and all of this church stuff too.
Every goddamn sunday my dad wants that i help him at church. And also pray to God.
Every.
Single.
Day.
I do pray to God. Everyday, day by day and ask the same question. "Lord what is wrong with me? please just help me get out of this dark deep hole im in." but i get no answer. No help. Nothing.
Sometimes i think what did i do? What are my sins? Does God hate me?
I just dont wanna be here.
My dad has been telling me all my life nothing is more important than God's Love. God is our Lord. He created us and gave us life. Hes almighty. But...i never asked to be here. I never asked for such life. For what reason am i here? What's Gods plan to do with me? To punish me for my sins like my dad tells me? For what sins? What did i do? Everytime i ask too many Question my dad punishes me. "You should not question our lords actions, he knows what he does!" Thats what he tells me.
Im so sick of his punishments.
But i deserve them.
Everytime i do something wrong or when i sin i deserve it to be punished. That's how it is.
If i wanna cry because i have enough of his punishments, he even punishes me more. A man does not cry. This is a sign of weakness. Men are not weak. Only women or faggots. God created a men. Not a fag.
. . . .
Parents know it better if you did something wrong or not. My dad wants just the best for me. He wants to help me. Yes. Yes that's what it is. Right?
Maybe if mom was still here she would also try to help me. To get rid of my sins so God can love me.
It's evertime the same. So many Emotions and Feelings torture me inside while im trapped in this vicious cycle of consant confusion, pain and anger. So many Questions and yet no answers.
I wish i had someone who would answer me all those Questions.
Why does God hate me so much? What's wrong with me?
soooooo- yea thats chapter one i dont know the last time i've wrote a fanfic was when i was 12 or smth and it was shitty af so yea im trying to keep this fanfic updated i do this tbh just for fun so yea here take a smiling trav ♡
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