Roomies (boyxboy)

Choices

Choices

Ryan spent all night rigid in his bed. He was paralyzed. It was his fault. He had broken up with Cameron. He had been wrong. He had hurt Cameron. Hurt him badly. Cameron hadn't hurt him. Ryan had been wrong. It was wrong. If he'd only let Cameron talk, or if he'd asked, Cameron would be in his arms right now. His Cameron. He would not be laying in bed, tortured and alone, hopeless. He would be reveling in a week together, uninterrupted by school, spending lazy days in bed together, touching each other, fucking loving each other.

But he ruined it. Ryan was alone. His Cameron wasn't his anymore. It wasn't Nate, but Cameron had kissed someone else. Ryan had kissed someone else. Their perfect peace, their perfect happiness had been thrown away in the trash. He had done it. He had made the biggest mistake of his life.

Cameron wasn't his anymore. He cried and cried and cried over what he had lost.

By dawn, Ryan was still awake and exhausted, mind, body and soul. He'd agonized over everything, played out what could have been. Now, he realized, as the light slipped in through the window, he had two choices. He could find a way to make Cameron his again. Or he could leave things as they were.

Part of him wanted to slap himself, shocked that there was even a question. That part of him wanted to run out of the house and through the streets, plow through any obstacles and kiss Cameron and hold him in his arms for the rest of his life.

But another side of himself made itself slowly known. This side wondered if all of these misunderstandings happened for a reason. Maybe...maybe he wasn't meant to be in a relationship with another guy. Maybe this was the universe's way of putting him on a "better" path. Maybe Miranda was the key to finding a life he could live without fear and shame, without any need to hide. Cameron was sweet and wonderful, but so was Miranda. She was more his kind of person, at least the kind of person he always assumed he'd end up with. Being with Cameron had been heady and weird, strange and perfect, but so off the path he'd laid out for himself, when he ever did imagine the future. When he was with Miranda, he never felt the rush of emotions he did with Cameron, but maybe sure and steady was better, more healthy. A smart choice. Ryan loved math, he loved logic and had never before been ruled by extreme emotions. Maybe it was better that he didn't feel as strongly about Miranda. Strong emotions brought happiness but also pain. Being with Cameron wasn't logical.

And no matter how Ryan felt, after all, Cameron seemed to be with someone else. Ryan replayed the scene again and again in his head. How happy Cameron had been; how he'd smiled and kissed that fucker of a teacher. How Cameron seemed to relish that other guy's hands in his beautiful soft hair. Ryan groaned to himself, remembering how Cameron's hair felt in his fingers. How he'd pull his fists in that hair, making Cameron gasp, as Ryan's tongue traced the shell of Cameron's ear. But now Cameron let someone else touch him, and it had only been a few weeks. Maybe Cameron never felt the same way Ryan had. Maybe it had only been convenient because they shared a room. Maybe Ryan had been just an experiment, but now he'd found the real deal. They'd kissed in public, in front of everyone. Even though it was fucking illegal for that jerk to touch his innocent baby, he obviously was comfortable with his sexuality. He didn't feel the need to hide it, the way Ryan did.

Around 10:00 Jess knocked on the door.

"Ryan? Ryan? Are you awake?"

Silence.

"I'm coming in ok?" Jess opened the door, expecting to see Ryan gaming as usual. She put her hands on her hips when she found him still wrapped in his blanket.

"Ryan! I can't believe you're still asleep. Don't forget you were going to watch Leah today. I already promised Sammy I'd plan our next unit together. I can't bring Leah. You promised!" She moved to his bed, yanking off the covers.