A Foreign Love Song (Jake Bateman x Johnnie Guilbert)

8: Johnnie

The real reason why I'd pushed Jake away was so that he didn't find out what I was doing. But his visit dissolved the feelings, at least at the time. A few hours later, they'd spiked up again. So now I was dragging this blade across my arm slow and deep. Dark, angry, crimson bubbles popped up under the metal as I went along. Some of them stained my fingers, some of them ran down my arm farther. Seven, eight, nine. I dropped the blade to the floor, looking at the damage. It was so mortifying that I almost laughed.  I could have a distraction right now, a friend, but I just pushed him away.

Why does he bother? Why do I?

"Do you ever wonder what it'd be like to die? Maybe come back to life after you die? Will that teach you the value of life? What is the value of life? What is the meaning of life? Is there a value of life? Are we all making conscious decisions, or is persuasion used even if we can't feel it? Is anyone really independent of their own influences? Is there someone without influences? Is there a first anything? What makes something the first? Are we influenced to chose our influences? Are those people our influences? Who are those people's influences? Are they mine too?" A voice came from my television set on an advertisement. "Join me as we explore the meaning of life and answer some of these greatest questions." I pushed the button on the remote to turn it off. It's too late for philosophy, and those questions can never be answered. My eyes trailed down to the scars on my arm. Now I really can't see anyone for a while. I guess I'll just to wear long sleeves. 

In that moment, my phone rang. I answered it as soon as I saw that it was Jake calling. "MAYA JUST GOT ARRESTED FOR BEING A LITTLE BITCHY!! DUDE, IT WASN'T EVEN HER FAULT!! THIS IS NOT OKAY!" He shouted at me before I could even get one word in. 

"I see you've been watching Paradise City."

"Watching- Are you kidding?! I can't keep my eyes off of this shit! Gabriel's really starting to piss me off. You've gotta, like, watch this with me again. I've gotta rant to someone about this shit."

"Alright, alright," I practically laughed, my prior mood dissolving. "I get it."

"Oh, and Gretchen and Johnny are a real power couple, but the dude's gotta learn to live with himself a little. Why does Lily get to take all of the blame for something he consented to? And like, what's-" He went on and on like this. I stopped listening after a little while. Not that I didn't care, but I don't care. I really don't care. "Can you believe that?!" He demanded after a while. 

"Uh.. No, no I can't," I told him half-heartedly. 

Jake caught on though, to my disappointment. "Is everything alright with you? You don't sound to thrilled that I'm into the show you introduced me to."

I just wish you'd be into me instead. "I guess it's just a little late for a TV show rant." I rubbed my temple. 

"I see. Maybe I'll talk to someone else about it then."

"No, I care. I care. I'll listen." I sat down, gripping the phone tighter. Suddenly, a feeing of desperation like I'd never felt struck me. "You were talking about how Simon's dad should be more appreciative of him, right? I agree. That kid's crazy talented."

"It's too bad his life turned out like that. But I guess he wouldn't have a story to tell if it was all great, would he?"

"Yeah, exactly." 

"You cut again, didn't you?" Jake asked suddenly. 

"What? What makes you think that?" He'd made me swear I'd never do it again the last time I'd cut myself on purpose and he'd caught me. That was probably five or six months ago.

"Your constant avoiding me. You never used to talk, but now it seems deliberate. I'm trying to help you, Johnnie. You can't just push all of your friends away."

"I don't want to talk about this," I mumbled. 

"I'm not giving you the choice. You've gotta talk to people first before you just take all this shit out on yourself. It's not healthy, and you know that!"

"You yelling at me isn't helping."

"Well I'm angry. You've broken your promises before, but I thought that you were really done this time. I thought almost killing yourself on that glass would keep you from cutting again after it too. Apparently I was wrong. Are they deep?"

"Sorta."

"Please stop. Stop hurting yourself like that. I'm not asking you to love yourself, I'm asking you to not kill yourself. I still want you in the world, and there are probably dozens of other people who do too. On a personal and a fan level. Don't give up now."

"I didn't try to kill myself."

"You could've poisoned yourself. You know that."

"But I didn't, so it doesn't matter." I sat back in the chair that I was sitting in, really done with this phone call now. Any sense of desperation I'd felt before had completely dissolved now.

"It does matter though. If you don't stop, I'll come over there and stay with you to make sure you don't. I won't let you kick me out either. Even if you tried to kill me."

"I dare you." 

I heard shuffling. "Consider it done, roommate."

Oh, God. What have I done?