A Foreign Love Song (Jake Bateman x Johnnie Guilbert)

11: Jake

To be fair, I knew about Johnnie's feelings for me. It took a few days, but after he seemed upset all of the time, I knew he was just trying to get my affection. I was okay with that, but when he admitted it out loud, it felt so heavy so fast. I just needed some air. Unfortunately, Johnnie totally read into that completely wrong. So he'd gone and cut himself. 

It was all my fault, but I still felt angry with him. 

We'd cleaned up most of the blood by now, but I refused to let him cuddle with me. Despite the ridiculous amount of tears he shed, if I let him he'd hurt himself again to get my affection. Oh this is way too fucking complicated. 

We sat there and stared at each other. Johnnie sniffed; I repeat: a ridiculous amount of tears. "Are you gonna scold me again?"

"No."

"Then why do I have to stay?"

"I can't leave you alone," I couldn't keep the monotone out of my voice. Surveillance had become really boring really quickly. "You were doing so good, too. I was thinking about letting you go, actually."

"You mean leaving?"

"Yup."

"But now you're not?"

"Nope." 

"You don't need to be angry with me. No one told you to come in the first place," Johnnie sat back and crossed his arms. 

"The fact that you can't see that you need help is a part of the problem." I stood up. "You abused my attention, and then you went off the deep end. I can't solve all of your problems, Johnnie. You have to want to stop. You have to want the help." 

"I don't want it." 

"Then what do you want?" 

"Your affection. Love. I want it so badly that it rips me apart."

I didn't know what to do. I'd never felt the same way that he had. "You need patience. Give some of that love to yourself." 

"How can I love myself when I'm one of the worst people I know?"

"Love is blind," I mumbled. "But you're not so bad. You care about your friends. You're passionate about your career. And you don't really take shit from anyone." 

"Or maybe I'm just stuck in the past. Why can't I just grow up and realize that this isn't life?" 

"Who among us really knows the secrets of life anyways?" I shrugged. "No one's really got it all figured out."

"I don't think so," Johnnie brought his knees to his chest and buried his face into them. 

I sighed, giving in. At the very least, I'd gotten him to talk. I came over to him, sitting next to him. "You're not meant to grow up, you know. You're a dreamer, head stuck in the clouds. I think that's beautiful." He didn't respond. "But hey, so am I. Maybe we're just not meant to be like everyone else. Climbing the cooperate ladder isn't for everyone." 

He turned his head to the side so he could look at me, but didn't lift it up. "How can you be so optimistic?" He whined. 

"It's a blessing and a curse." I ran my fingers through his surprisingly soft black hair a few times. "But you'll learn how to find some balance eventually, I swear it."

Later that night, I found Johnnie sitting on the porch by himself. He smoked a cigarette, and a single lantern sat next to him. At first, I thought that he'd just let Creature out to run for a little while longer, but I found that Creature was sound asleep in the living room. I opened the door as quietly as I could, which wasn't very quietly at all. Johnnie looked up at me when he heard. "Hey, Jake," He sighed, looking away immediately. "Did you come to babysit me again?"

"No." I sat next to him. "Just to ask you a question."

"If it's about earlier, then I'm sorry. I wasn't in control of my own thoughts, and I kinda just let them slip a little."

"But you still had them." I looked up at the sky, which was covered with clouds. I couldn't even see the moon. "You really do have a small crush on me, don't you?"

"This isn't high school, Jake. I don't get crushes." He shook his head, taking a drag from the cigarette. 

"You have some feelings for me, then. What words do you want me to use?" 

"I don't want you to talk about it at all. I already know that you don't want for me to have them anyways. Just pretend that it didn't happen." This while time he'd been talking to me, he never once dared look at me. 

"I could die tomorrow."

Now he did. "What?! Where's that coming from?!"

"It's true. People die young all of the time. In life's moments, you never get time back. If you really wanted to ask me out, even test your luck, you'd have to put some kind of effort into it. And you can't wait. Jump the gun the moment you get the first opportunity. You've had a month of opportunity. Now I know, and I'm making you jump the gun."

Johnnie just stared at me in silence. After a few minutes of processing, he spoke. "You want me to ask you out?"

"I want you to get out of your comfort zone once in a while." I looked back down at him. "You might like it if you try it."

"Jake, will you go and see a movie with me tomorrow afternoon?" He cringed after he said it, hands balling into fists so tight that his knuckles turned white. Oh, he's so adorably afraid. How can I possibly say no?

"Sure. What movie are you taking me to?"

"It's a surprise. But I swear you'll like it." The left corner of his mouth quirked up after he spoke, and, for the first time in months, he got a little sparkle in his eyes. Who would've thought that I had the key to his happiness after all this time?

That thought took a long time to sink in, but once it did, I wish that I would've rejected Johnnie. If I'm the sole source of his happiness, then his mood will fluctuate with my ability to satisfy him. That's dangerous territory to be treading. 

A/n: Alright, alright. Yes this is kind of treading Rock Bottom territory, I know. I may or may not be borrowing from that plot line a little bit, but there won't be any drugs this time. (Oops, spoiler alert)