A Foreign Love Song (Jake Bateman x Johnnie Guilbert)

12: Jake

The following evening, I was spending my time wallowing in my regrets. Why had I said yes? Why had I let him have this toxic relationship with me? And most importantly, can I make it healthy again? I was supposed to be getting ready to go out to a movie, but instead just sat on the edge of my bed with my clothes laid out on the floor. I stared at them while they mocked me. I know I've made the wrong choice, but if I go back on it, things will only unravel even worse. 

By the time I'd finished getting ready, it was an hour of furious and aggressive regret and self-loathing later. "Johnnie?" I asked. The house was rather quiet. I didn't even hear dogs barking. Had he already left without me? Or worse.... I didn't let my mind go there, but was still open to the idea of the worst case scenario being true. Oh, God. I've truly created a monster. "Johnnie?" I called again, louder this time. My on voice echoed and bounced off of the walls of Johnnie's living room. The back door was unlocked, so I opened it and found my friend spreading out a blanket on the back lawn. It was a very dark evening, so I could only see by the strings of lights illuminating my path in a faint golden glow. "What're you doing? We're going to see a movie."

"That's what I'm setting up." He gestures to a projector, which is pointed at a sheet that I couldn't believe I hadn't seen before. "They aren't playing anything good at the theatre, so I thought we could watch the very old but still timeless Dracula."

"The original one with the extremely low-quality stunts?"

"They were high quality at the time." He shrugged. "What do you want from me? I thought it was a good idea."

I thought for a moment. I would feel guilty if I pretended to hate this date just to get him to cling to someone else. "Yeah, that sounds okay." I figured the best way to express my concerns would be to address them now before they get out of hand. "Can we talk first?"

Johnnie's face fell, and he fell down onto the blanket. "What's wrong?" He sighed.

"I think you may be just a little too dependent on me for your source of happiness is all. That's a lot of pressure on my shoulders, and a little unhealthy, too."

He remained silent. I could tell he was processing what I'd said. "Oh, God." He put his head in his palm, shaking his head as he said. "You're right. I'm so sorry." He gestured to the spot next to him. "Do you still wanna do this, or-?"

"Oh, yeah. Of course. Just....wanted to nip an issue in the bud if you will." I took the place next to him. "I can't believe you managed to set this up so quickly. I didn't even know you had a projector."

Johnnie smiled a little. "I have my secrets."

I tried to watch the whole movie without laughing at the quality of the stunts. Did people ever really believe that this stuff was real? I get what Elvira was talking about now. Damn, these movies are cheesy. Johnnie seemed to enjoy it though, but I'm not sure if he was just happy to be in my company on positive terms. On the other hand, I really had only agreed to keep him happy. Maybe this really isn't on positive terms....

I helped Johnnie fold the blanket, a process that involved a lot of folding once and then refolding again. As for the sheet, he'd taken it from a closet and wanted it to be washed before it was used again, so we didn't bother folding that.

After Johnnie had torn down the rest of the set-up, which only included the projector and the movie itself. "What did you think?" He asked. 

I avoid his eyes for a bit, wondering how to answer this. "A little boring, in all honesty. But the concept was pretty cool."

He didn't respond for a while. "It's been a long time since I've done this," He confessed, sitting on the step next to me. The porch was raised a little bit, so there was a step to lead out to the backyard. "I guess I forgot."

"I didn't say it was bad." I just have major regret about doing it is all. 

Johnnie shrugged. "Whatever. Didn't think it was gonna happened again anyways." He stood up and headed for the door. Guilt surged through me, but I think I may have done the right thing(?). I ran my fingers through my hair furiously. This is a real damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. Moreover, is the feeling that Johnnie has for me mutual?

I can't really tell, but the thought of upsetting him really does burn me - and not just because he might hurt himself if I do. Then again, that could just be morals. I frowned unconsciously as I thought hard about this. Then again, if I have to think about it, that answers the question in it of itself. And Johnnie's already expecting no second date anyways.  I stood up, shrugging to myself. "I'm overcomplicating this," I reassured. "Nothing can possibly go wrong here." 

When I entered the house however, I found the exact opposite to be true. Johnnie had broken yet another glass, and was deliberately using it to break open the skin on his stomach. I would guess this would be to hide it. "What the hell are you doing?!" I demanded. "Why? Why? Why? Johnnie!" I rushed over to him, ripping the glass from his hands, cutting both of us a little bit in the process. "I don't know how to get you to stop."

He simply stared at me. "Send me away."

"Is that what you want?!" I grabbed his shoulders and shook him. "Is that what you want me to do?! To send you away?" I looked down for a moment, taking a second to gather myself. It did not work. "Oh, Johnnie, Johnnie, Johnnie, please stop. Please. It's unhealthy and dangerous and I can't get you to stop."

"It's not dangerous."

"It is so! You could not be paying attention, lose just a little too much and then-" I made a gesture with my hand, pointing up at the sky. "You'll be there."

"Then I'd come back down and take you out of this Hell we call home."

I slapped his wrist. "Don't talk like that!"

"You can't make me like myself, Jake. So just stop trying. Why don't you go home already? And don't give me a bullshit excuse like 'I care about you.' You don't understand what this is like." He looked away from me. 

I let him go, and leaned back, sitting on my shoes. "You're right. I don't understand. Make me understand. Make me understand so I can help you."

"Just go. Leave. I'll only hurt you if I let you stay." He pushed on my chest. "Just leave me alone."

"If I leave you alone, how do I know that you'll be okay?"

"Forget about me. I'm not worth your time." He stood up, looking down at me. "I never was, and I never will be."