Where I Lost There I Found

Chapter 11

Days passed I was really worried. I started to look around for him. I began with room where I last saw him. There I tried very hard to push the walls to figure out where the entrance was? I couldn't find one. I tried harder to push it. But failed. I stood in front of mirrors to check if there was any motions around the wall. Days passed I sat near the mirror in the hope to find out if anything laid there. I was all weak and hopeless. I walked the whole house more than I could. Slowly I started to realize I was all alone. Nobody is there besides me.

Slowly the whole energy within myself had started to lose. I was all weak and pale. Mirror didn't respond. I was getting crazy. I started to bang the wall. In the hope to find what I lost. I was getting hard on myself. Tears were gushing and heart had turned numb. Feeling of self-humiliation was being laid all across. I always hopped he will be back. Because I only wished was not to be alone again the way I was when I was alive. Time was passing but there was no one around. I began to look for life around me the hope to find was less. Emotions were getting less.

At first it was very difficult to face the truth. But slowly slowly the realization of being alone was fine for me. I enjoyed the dark and place where I was. Happiness of being alone was turning deeper. The root of being alone was like addiction to me. The worst was I slowly started to forget him. The memories of him was all gone. I stepped out of the house and walked. Now there was roads and buildings. Green nature laid everywhere. Walking was simple but at time it was difficult too. Cool breeze flowed everywhere. Things were same no piece of life was seen. I kept walking all day long. The house where the mirror I viewed was no more to be seen. May be this thoughtless walk may be never ending. Slowly a heavy feeling was being laid across my heart. As I kept walking the atmosphere turned dark and I was slowly feeling weak. A sick feeling laid across my heart. I was turning thoughtless. Darker it turned the weight across my heart increased. Wonder why my heart was feeling so heavy?!

The person who is lonely maybe he or she is darker. At the beginning he or she may be in light. But slowly they begin to walk in the dark. Dark that can't be defined easily. They seem to be fine with what was going around. But fact was not that it is they are wrapping themselves in dark. Dark is not bad but is like alcohol. Bitter but fine, later it becomes injurious. Both physically and emotionally. They would want someone to hold. But it may be they are fine if nobody is around and they would hold back. Things would be not good enough for them. But they would express it is good and better for them. What they want they never expressed it they just wanted someone to understand and hold them as tight as possible, never let them go. They all seem to be fine even though within they are not. The question arises why do no one care for them? I had started hatting myself more and the feelings and bundles of question arise within myself. No one was there to answer. I didn't want anyone to answer me though. I started to hate me more than anyone could. Many said it will be fine. Many asked to follow the path of self-leadership. Is it even possible? Maybe yes but different for all difficult for me. What about you?

I sat down for a while and started to list down each and every thing that I wished and did. The list was very long of the wish. But the chart of the accomplishments just filled half. Why question had no answer. That was the time I actually began to self-analysis myself more. All time we do self-analysis but its just for time being. But I feel a time comes in everyone's life where you truly analyze at that point you are on the right time or its too late. These are feeling you feel. Mostly you feel only one thing that is you are late. But I think until you are alive nothing is late. I was no more and I was all late to do the actual analyze... It is sour and bitter to digest. Frankly speaking if you are with me you are alone do it now, talk it out. Maybe latter in the path it will be bit tough to digest.

I took a long breath and to walk again.