It will be me before it's you (And that's okay)

Chapter 13

The light air of midday brushed against her cheeks as she strayed beside Lexa's motor chair. After Clarke's rather embarrassing spill, she had changed into one of Lexa's sweatshirts. It wasn't anything particularly spectacular. The sleeves reached down past her hands, and she tucked the extra fabric into her palms. It was a deep blue, and the fabric was still soft and new. Even so, it still smelled solely of Lexa Woods.

"Why are you so determined to be nice to me, Clarke?" Lexa questioned.

The blonde girl squinted in the sunlight, looking down at the other woman with confusion"what do you mean?"

"You're so kind to me and you hardly know a thing about me." She said

She shrugged "I know enough"

"But you don't" The woman responded "all you know is that I like Marvel movies and my ex fiancé just got married to one of our old friends"

"Lexa, you know, I don't need to know everything about what's happened in the past to know you now" she said "I don't need to know"

"But you want to know" The veteran responded "I see it in you. You're curious. You want to know but at the same time you're respectful of the fact that I don't want you to."

"I-"

"I saw you on my laptop." Lexa smiled and shook her head "I actually made sure Anya left my laptop open so you could snoop further but... you didn't. Why not?"

"I... Lexa I'm so sorry. I realised how intruding I had been and I stopped." She felt her face heating up, realising she had been caught "I'm sorry"

Lexa stopped, looking down on a beautiful bush filled with pink and red flowers. She sighed, her shoulders shifting with the force. For a moment, Clarke thought she was free. She thought that any second the woman would stand, turning around and smiling down at her. But the only other movement she saw was the tear falling down her face.

"I was in Afghanistan. I was in a transport unit, carrying some heavy weaponry. EMPs and some hard ass missiles. We were meant to take them straight to the HQ with no delays." She frowned "We only made it half way there"

"Lexa..." Clarke whispered

"Somehow, they got a hold of the information. One minute we laughing. Artigas had his AC/DC tape playing in the front. And the next..." she shook her head "They blew the cargo truck behind us sky high. The shrapnel went straight through our truck, right where I was sat, and tipped us on the roof."

"Jesus Christ" the other girl cupped a hand over her mouth

"By the time I came to, I was hanging upside down with half of the car's shrapnel stuck in my back. Everyone was either dead or... gone." She frowned

"They left you?" She exclaimed "why the hell-"

"In all honesty Clarke, if somebody looked like I did, I'd have left too. I looked dead. And in some way, I was." She looked to Clarke, teary eyed "I'm not that person anymore"

"You're still a person though, Lexa" She reassured her, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder

"No" Lexa sighed, tears rolling rather freely down the soft skin of her cheeks "I'm a piece of a person, Clarke. I'm broken. I don't fit anywhere I just... I'm simply here. And a lot of the time i wish I wasn't."

Clarke shifted to crouch down in front of her, eyes longing to understand the poor woman "But why?" She whispered "You can start again. Start over"

"If it were that easy, I'd do it. But it's not, Clarke." Her brows scrunched together at the thought "I can't even move on my own. I just want to go back"

Clarke gave into the deep pit in her stomach that told her to comfort the veteran, reaching and pulling the girl into her arms. Lexa's head rolled into the gap in her neck, filling it with tears that shook her.

"I can't-" she sniffed "I can't even feel this, Clarke"

Her heart melted, and she held Lexa tighter in her arms "I know." She whispered, uncontrollable tears falling down her own cheeks "But it's nice to know it's there"

"It is"

For a long time, Clarke did nothing but hold her as she cried into her shoulder. She figured the girl hadn't let something as much as a tear out in a long time, and she was more than happy to comfort her.

Usually when she was caring for patients, they had already long since came to accept their disability. Lexa however, had never been willing to accept it. It was a very different experience when that was the case.

"Lexa?" She asked softly

"Yeah?" Her voice wobbled

"Why don't you try getting away somewhere nice? Maybe... being somewhere new and exciting could be good for you?" She said, making sure Lexa was wel rested in her chair before she stood back up again.

"Do you think that could help me?" She asked. The vulnerability in her voice made Clarke even more determined to make her life more enjoyable.

She nodded, using the sleeve of Lexa's sweatshirt to wipe away her tears "We sure can try"

Lexa gazed off, the little movement she had in her hand twitching her chair back into gear, back onto their walk that had been temporarily put on hold. "Where do you think we should go?"

Clarke shrugged, a smile radiating from her recent breakthrough with Lexa "I'm not sure. What do you think?"

There was a short gap in the conversation as Lexa thought "Somewhere nice."

"Well, I'll see what I can do, huh?"

"Okay Clarke"

"Come on, let's get back inside. It looks like it's about to rain" She said, eyeing the dark clouds beginning to roll in from a distance.
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Clarke sighed, resting her head against the cool surface of the kitchen bench. Luna stood behind her, cup in hand, eyeing the laptop. She had a knitted jumper on, a sign that she was rather comfortable in their apartment now.

Raven stood with a hand on her hip, the other waving around a wooden spoon covered in her grandmother's pasta sauce she was determined to recreate.

"Why don't you go to the Bahamas or the Caribbean or something? That's such a nice place. Say, can you take guests?" She said, licking the spoon to get a taste of her handiwork. Her face contorted, shoving the spoon in the sink water.

"Raven, this isn't a holiday. It's work. I have to find somewhere Lexa would be willing to go to and actually enjoy." She sighed, planting a hand on the back of her head in frustration

"She's right, babe" Luna nodded, placing a hand on Clarke's back as she leant over to scroll through the website on Clark's laptop "It's gotta be good for Lexa. Not everyone else"

"How am I supposed to know where she'll like" Clarke groaned

"The same way you knew everything else" Luna grabbed her shoulders, kneading out the tense muscles

"And that is...?" She groaned

"I dunno...." Luna sighed "Guess?"

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Hiiiiiii there might be spelling mistakes my eyes are tired. I hope you like this chapter anyways and I'll see you in the next one

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