The World Beyond Us

n i n e t e e n

As the bell rings, I pass by Mr. Albany's desk. He stops me while the rest of the classroom is vacated.

"As Jace happens to be absent I thought I'd address you." Albany begins.

"About," I draw on.

"About Jace. He's missed an entire week of school. You know this could take a toll on his grade."

I want to ask how this involves me.

"I'd love if you would catch him up on what he's missed, thank you." He doesn't wait for an actual answer from me.

And so up until now, at this very moment, avoiding Jace has been very easily possible. But now it's inevitable.

I don't bother stopping by my house. What is there that can actually benefit me? I pull up to Jace's house, vaguely recollecting the first time I was ever here.

I quickly finger through my wavy brown hair, and apply a bit of lip gloss, then I hike my bag higher up on my shoulder, and make my way up the winding brick path. Richard answers the door, a warm smiles meets his lips.

"Jace is up in his room." He lets me in.

"Thanks." I nod politely and go upstairs. Jace's door is obvious with it's stay out signs, and posters of foreign terrains.

I tap lightly on the door.

"Go away, Richard."

"Oh, no. It's me. Wynter." I clarify.

He doesn't say anything. I'm slowly accepting the fact that he might not want to see me. Until he says, "come in."

I push the door open. Jace's full size bed is heavily blanketed with a dark blue comforter. His desk is covered with pen marked maps; a globe sits on the corner. Jace is laying leisurely on his bed, going through a stack of post cards. He sets the stack aside, sits up to face me, and provides me with his undivided attention.

I sit on the edge of his bed. "Albany asked for me to bring you this." I lay the folder down in front of him.

My statement is completely disregard. "So you thought about what I said?"

"It's important for your grade, Jace." I play the game too.

"Well I've also thought about it." He confesses. "And you're right."

I frown. "About what?"

"It's too soon to leave." His voice is soft at the moment. He takes my fingers in his hands. "But I still want to leave with you."

"Maybe it's rushed, but I-" he cuts himself off. "You're unlike anyone, Wynter."

I'm relieved to know that my decision doesn't mean losing Jace.

He lays down on the bed. I climb over to his other side and lay next to him. We both stare at the ceiling in silence.

"Jace."

"Yes?"

I turn my head to face him. "What happened to your dad?" I ask.

"He died-"

"How?" Maybe I'm being harsh, and wounds are still fresh, but I worry that if I don't force it now, he'll delay telling me forever.

I see his jaw clench and the tip of his nose turns red.

"Jace." I sit up while he lays down. "Don't you trust me-"

"I do." He mutters stubbornly, adverting his gray eyes from mine.

"Then tell me, and I'll help you through it." I take his jaw in my hand and then it to face me.

I can see it again, the vulnerable look in his eyes.

"I swear on the moon, I will." I whisper.

Jace's pupils shake over me before they disappear under his eyelids.

"It was March twenty-third, and I was six." He begins. "I wasn't there, so I don't know exactly what happened- I was in school. But my mom picked me up from school, and the entire drive was silent. She didn't say anything, but her lips were pursed and her eyes were red, and I knew- I fucking knew Wynter- that something was wrong."

"Then when we got home she sat me down in the living room and said- and I remember it like I was six. She said: Jace, Dad isn't coming home. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. He's gone, but he loves you very much. And I swear on the moon we can still make it."

I can tell his throat is tightening as his words lose volume. I feel his pain and it comes out in tears.

"I was young, and didn't know what him being gone meant, until he didn't come home for at least a week after. And then I guess it sorta hit me. My dad had died in a car crash."

Jace glances quickly at me. "He was gone."

"Jace-"

"Don't say you're sorry." He shakes his head. "I've heard it too many times, and besides, you didn't kill him."

I instead press closer to him, to show him that I'm here- no words needed. I fold my arms around his waist and tuck my head under his arm.

"Thanks, Wynnie." His voice is monotonous, it's flat. It's killing me.

I love you.

Is what I want to say, but do I mean it? If I loved Jace, wouldn't I have dropped everything and run off with him?

Jace already made it clear that he isn't forcing his decision on me, but I want to make him happy.

Traveling makes him happy- even if it's without me?

That though stings my eyes. He'd never do that- although he could if he wanted.

I wish he'd say it- I love you. Levi told me to wait for it, but how long will that take?

I want two contradicting things- to please my family or to please Jace.

I squeeze my eyes shut and ask myself: what do you want?

And the sad answer is that I don't know.