I'm Not Okay

I Hate Myself

AU/
So this is the last poem but in english, it doesn't sound like a poem anymore but tbh i don't want to make it rhyme at the moment so this is technically my experience with this boy. If you see anything that's not grammatically correct tell me so I can change it.

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I hate myself
For thinking he would change,
His always treating me bad
And it'll always be the same,
His always making me cry
And I'm starting to get worried
Because I want to go away
But he doesn't let me go my own way

I hate myself
For thinking you would like me
But in reality
You were only misleading me
And that's why I hate myself
Because I fell into your trap
Because I knew it was just a game
But I was foolish and thought you would like me back
But you're the same as always
And that will always hurt me

I hate myself
Because when I had the opportunity
I didn't take it, but now I keep asking myself if it was an opportunity or if it was other of your games,
But I never knew the truth,
And i keep asking myself
If you ever loved me
Or if everything was an act
Because if it was all an act
You did really good playing the role

I hate myself
For thinking you would never leave,
For thinking you would always be here,
For having hope you would love me,
But one day my greatest fear came true,
Everything was lost,
Everything changed,
And i knew I was losing you,
And you would never come back

That day you disappointed me like you never had
I trusted you
I thought you were my friend
And even though I liked you
I would have preferred a thousand times to be your friend to what you did
I thought you had changed
And yes you did but it was for the worse
You walked away when I had already told you many secrets,
That i was your best friend you said,
I knew it was i lie
To bad i noticed until it was too late

She spoke to me and commented on something a few people knew
What a coincidence it was that you knew,
I noticed you knew I liked you,
And if you didn't they noticed and told you
I understood that everything was a game of vengeance and hate
She was your queen, the rest of you were only pawns ready to make a move,
Always doing whatever she wanted
You used me to get information
You used me to make her happy
You made me tell you secrets so that you could use it against me, you were foolish enough to think i would betray my friends

I noticed what was happening
You used the love i had for you to get information for her
I always knew, i saw it coming
But I was so blinded by your lies
I knew you liked her, you did anything for her, you fooled everyone
But then i realized
It hurted like hell to know you liked her
I didn't understand why

I tried everything to forget you
I hurt me to see how you looked at her
That party hurt us both
She looked pretty, you couldn't stop looking at her
And for a moment I wished I was prettier
I thought i was going to impress you
But you only had eyes for her
I thought i would be brave enough to take you out to dance
Or that you would have
But you don't like to dance, and when you did you danced with her, even though I helped drag you there you only danced with her.

I know that night hurted you
You thought I didn't know you
But I knew you more than you could have ever imagined
It was late, I was waiting for my parents to come for me
I didn't feel good
The pain was not only physical, it was emotional too
I was sitting beside you
You were playing in your phone
I tried to talk to you
I saw she was with someone else
I knew that even though you said you didn't like her and it didn't hurt you seeing her dance with other guys, it was a lie

While I was saying you still liked her and you denied it
She came, he was by her side
He called you, you were looking at your phone again
We both looked up
You shouldn't have
I could see the pain in your eyes but you chose to hide it
What a pity that i knew you
They didn't cared about you since they continued to kiss from time to time

When they went away i talked to you
You accepted that you still liked her
It hurt me that you admit it
But it hurt me more to see you bad
I could see the sadness pass through your eyes every time you saw her with someone else
I knew i had to get over you,
You would never love me
But you kept hurting me
It was vacations, i didn't like you anymore
But I needed a friend

I had to lie to you on one occasion so that you wouldn't do something that was going to harm me
You believed me
I thought i was getting my friend back since everything was fine between our friends
But you had to call
You scared me, i thought you had told her
I didn't know how to help you
You asked me how I got over him
You asked me what I did to not feel the pain of a broken heart
You mentioned the time I lied
There were truths to that lie
It wasn't all a lie

And then you had to say it
"It's a joke" you said
I got so angry, but I got angrier when I heard the laughs
I realized you weren't alone
You revealed my secret to other people again
I simply hung up
I knew i could never trust you again

I hate myself
Because despite all that,
Of all the times that you failed me,
Of all the times you lied to me,
Despite all the times you showed me you were a hypocrite,
Of all the times you showed me i couldn't trust you
I did it again
I trusted you again
I acted like your friend again
I'm so stupid
For trusting someone who once bullied me
For trusting someone that gave me a million reasons to not trust

And even though I don't love you now
I keep thinking that you haven't changed
You keep trying to make me fall into your games
But this time i know better
Because even if sometimes I keep trusting you
It's not the same
I don't follow your advices
Your opinion doesn't matter to me like before
You don't matter to me like before
And even if I hate myself for all of this
I thank you
Because if you hadn't done this to me i would still be the same foolish girl i was before