I'm Not Okay

Loneliness

WARNING: MENTION OF SELF HATE AND SUICIDE.
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Why am I like this, i feel like I'm a burden, all i do is cry, all I do is whine. Why would anyone want to be my friend, I'm not interesting, I'm not funny, I'm not pretty, and even if some people say it, I'm not smart.

There's nothing in me that makes me special, I'm kind because people weren't kind to me, people take advantage of me because of it, the worst thing is I let it happen.

My parents tell me I should do better but they don't realize that if I try harder I'm gonna end my life. Follow a schedule they say, they don't realize Ive tried and failed.

I'm insecure and I need reassurance from my friends that they still want to be with me. Every day is the same, the same questions come to my head, "do they hate me?", "Are they just with me because they have pity of me?", "What if it's all fake?", "What are they saying of me when I'm not there?", "They probably hate me, i mean why would anyone like me".

It wouldn't be surprised if everyone decided to leave me, it has happened before. People leave me without reason, making me wonder for the rest of my life "What did I do wrong?", "Am I so boring that they felt the urge to leave me?", "Wasn't i enough?".

All of these thoughts are killing me but I can't say it to anyone because I feel like no one cares, yeah they text me, yeah they tell me they love me, but my head keeps overthinking and I can't help it, because, what if my thoughts are right?, What will I do if everything is fake?

I know what I would do, because I can't stand loneliness, i wouldn't live like that, i would end it all, say goodbye to this cruel world, go to sleep and never wake up, kill myself not caring about what everyone else thinks.

Sometimes I think I could end it right now, because the feeling of loneliness is way too much, I'm surrounded by people but I feel alone, and even if someone tries to make the feeling go, I'm afraid the feeling will never go away.

Do you read all of my messages? Do you listen to all of my audios? Do you watch all of my videos? Or do you just skip it all and text to everyone else as if i hadn't said anything. I leave chats because they overwhelm me, i leave chats because i don't know how to talk to people.

It hurts to know you forget about me, it hurts because i get so attached so easily. I'm sorry for not being funny, I'm sorry for not being pretty, I'm sorry for not liking the same things as you, I'm sorry for having different opinions, I'm sorry for believing in different things you do, I'm sorry for being a burden, I'm sorry I'm boring, I'm sorry I'm annoying. But please don't leave me, because i can't stand anyone else leaving me again.

I'm writing this even though I know no one will read, even though after all of what I wrote nothing will change, because yeah they love me but I bet they don't care about what i write, they support each other, and read each other's stuff, i know this is not a normal book, but it hurts to know they don't care enough to check it out, and i don't want to sound mean but this is more important, because this is what I feel, this is what I want to do. The least they could do is try to care.