Love Chromosomes

V. Decisions Written in Pencil

Vee Vivis

The demands from my subjects are getting more and more intense now that I'm in my third year in Architecture. Three weeks have passed since the semester started. The professors are more serious in giving us loads of topics to discuss.

It has also been three weeks when Masahiro and I have finally broken up.

I find it really difficult concentrating to my lectures this past few days. I kept on thinking about my ex boyfriend and what we did on the night we broke up.

We've never been truer to our agreement after that night. Masa and I never talked to each other after parting the next morning. It's as if that sensuous thing we did to each other never happened. I told him to forget everything in the morning. For me, it was just set aside, not entirely forgotten.

Like how can I forget that younger person's heat as the both of us helped each other release? It was not even considered having sex with a man yet. Just two man helping vent each other's desires. Two grown up man for heaven's sake! No matter how I justify it inside my head, it's still sounded so off.

So as two young and foolish adults, we agreed to buck up and deal with it like a man. After all, we had already broken up and must move on separately.

But why do I have this dreams every night where I always see that nong's face begging at me. It competes with the re-occurring nightmare I have since I was a child. The one where I was abducted together with some kid from my neighborhood. I cannot remember well the details because of the trauma. My parents had to send me for successive stress debriefing sessions to cure my PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) after that incident. Bits of it still hunts in my sleep.

Now the two nightmares seemed to combined. In the nightmare, I was still standing in that same dark room looking down to the bloody face of the kid whose name is nong Mark. It was strange that I wasn't able to forget his name when I have almost forgotten the rest that happened when I was staying in that neighborhood.

The Psychiatrist said it's a type of psychological defense mechanism called repression, where I unconsciously buried the painful memories at the back of my brain in order to separate myself from that unpleasant event.

In my dreams this past few nights, Masa's face replaced the bloody image of that little kid Mark. It was so weird that I when I wake up, I feel so sad and moody that I wanted to cry so bad. I think I need another session with my doctor regarding this matter.

As for my ex, I still see him around almost everyday. He's always with his two friends, Jane and Pran when I see him eating at the food stalls, or walking around the school grounds. I just looked at him from afar. I don't know if he sees me too but he never tried to come or contact me like before. It's as if we are back to being strangers to each other.

I should be happy, but instead I feel miserable. It's like I came from a relationship where two persons were really in love with each other but then forced to break up, or one partner cheated causing the other a heart break.

But I am not in love with him right? Woii! This feeling is so messed up!

"Vee? Vivis? Ai Vee!" P Art was yelling at me at the door. I haven't noticed that the lecture has already ended and the room is getting thinner as my classmates started to dispensed.