THE RIGHT CHOICE

knowing Noel Better

It's been two months since I came back home , my dad is still not taking to me and it still kills me more than am willing to admit, after the death of my brother we kind of ,buried him too.My brother was his world I remember when he walked in my room that day and saw his lifeless body he immediately had a stroke,  rushed him to the hospital and we were informed it was a minor one and that the  next one he may not be so lucky . 

we were also advised not to stress him at all , we tried so hard , I tried so hard... but he always blamed me for losing his son , not that all of it was in my head but he actually told me that to my face he was like ,Whenever I see you am remained that I will never see him again , I lost him and it's all because of you , you killed him , you did and you know it .

It kills me just seeing you here,  with that said I left hurt and angry a big part of me still believes am to be  blame , When I got the opportunity to leave, I never looked back not ones,  at least with me gone it would somehow ease his pain . Coming back has been a struggle but I thank God mom moved  me in another room , I haven't been able to enter my room in a year,  whenever I close my eyes I can still see his lifeless body , what kills me is that am still hurt ,angry and disappointed with him .

I haven't been able to visit his grave in a year , I didn't even attend his burial,  I knew most people there thought it was my fault and my Dad's look didn't help one bit . I know I sound stupid still holding on to so much anger after one year but that's how I feel.  I only come back after the phone call I got from mom, she was crying her eyes out , begging me to come back home, because she could no longer deal with everything herself. 

Also guilt wouldn't give me a time or day to breath , i just didn't have anymore energy to run away from everything,  sooner or later i would need to confront it all . When i was told marriage would be my punishment,  i willingly accepted it , so Dad could see am finally taking responsibility for my actions and not just leaving people to clean up my shit . I hate that i value his opinions so much but that's how I have always been , I just wanted him to notice me , acknowledge my existence. 

When we were young I would get so mad that he always took Alvin everywhere,  when he came back from trips, he would come with various gifts and they all were for Alvin and Larry , whenever I would ask for mine he would be like, So sorry Champ , just don't know what you love . I didn't sleep that night busied myself with making a list of all my likes and dislikes , kept some in his briefcase,  his closet , his cars and his travelling bags .

When he travelled again he  told me the same thing or that he lost the lists and  that he was really sorry again . I still wrote more and this time handed some to his secretary,  his right hand man , still he came back with more excuses . One day I just gave up , so sick and tried of his lame excuses . Alvin got sick on the day we were going for fishing , I did feel sorry for him but it seemed like finally God had answered my prays, I would get to go with Dad and he would learn we have so much in common. 

I know I sounded stupid but that's how desperate I was , Went took a shower ,got ready and went downstairs to wait for him, I remember having this big smile on my lips  , waited and waited some more , when he showed up I run to him , stood there looking at him like some hero of  mine, well he has always being my hero , then he broke the news , Fishing is cancelled since Alvin is sick and anyway  he had alot to do at the office with that he was gone .

I stood there hurt , so, so hurt ,it was the only chance I had with  him to know me better and it just disappeared.  I locked myself in my room crying so bad and with that I made a promise to me ,I WILL NEVER FORCE SOMEONE TO BE WITH ME .Mom walked in my room stayed just hugging me , consoling me , I tried to act tough that I was not hurt but I couldn't because it hurt sooo bad . I saw her shed some tears  and I knew I had to toughen up the last thing i needed was for me to be the reason for  her sadness  .

I come back to reality to find mom in my room with a glass of milk , she still loves doing that even though I've told her countless of time am no longer a Baby . I know you're all grown up but you are still my baby she says  that messing my hair up . I do look a lot like her , I have her every feature but in a masculine form . Are you okay , honey ? Never felt better , it was easier for me to give that respond because I felt much better.

Meeting up with Kelly and being informed am marrying her , I honestly panicked,  panicked because I was afraid she won't like Noel , God I loved being Alec West , Alec was cool , composed and the most important thing his life wasn't shitty . Well Noel is messed up , the guy with very huge walls around him ,afraid to let anyone in , scared of being hurt and scared of trusting anyone . But am proud of him , in the last two months he has been able to let Kelly in .

Yes I still have a long way to go, but it helps  just talking about it . I come to learn somethings about her like, she makes this funny face when she is annoyed,  loves taking long walks in the evening,  she invited me to one and I barely was able to get out of the bed next day , she loves being right and never takes no for an answer .

Mom left a while back after being assured am okay .Someone knocks  on my door then Larry walks  in ,May I? Sure Buddy, I close the various work documents I was dealing with and smile at him .He  Walks  in pacing around my room and then sits  down on a sofa . What's up Champ? I could tell he had something on his mind eating him up.Larry , you can share with me anything,  anything at all , I tell him  that taking a sit next to him.

He studies me for a while than speaks, I think I like a girl . With that he stops  to study my expression.  what , tell me more,  how long have you two known each other and what drowns you to her ? He looks  confused but answers my questions anyway .Well I  have known her for a year , I love how she looks at me , love her laugh , love how she makes me feel  when she's near me and love how my name sounds when she says it .I know those are not  reasons enough to like someone but that's how I feel .

I just smile at him ,i didn't say anything as a matter of fact i think those are the main reasons why someone falls in love .Larry finally relaxes ,all tension forgotten. Tell me more about her , he would loss himself talking about her and just stare blankly at an empty wall smiling from lip to lip. I got my answers. You love her , you really love her Bud .My little brother is in love said that messing up his perfect hair .

Ooh shut up and I worked really hard on this,  pointing at his hair ,i never said I was in love, said I like her,  two different things. So why are you blushing by me  just  saying her name,  Laura .Anyway enough of me , how are you ? I feel like I have been asked that same question over and over again . Am okay Buddy,  Why the question? He looks  at me for a whole full minute before breaking the silence.

Dad is still mad at you , it was more of a statement than a question. I just nod , you clearly are tried of getting him to approve anything you do .In the last two months have noticed you trying to avoid him as much as possible and he does the same with you . Whenever you come home and find the three of us having dinner you always greet us and leave . But when you find it's mom and I you never think twice in  joining us .

Larry , I could see the sadness in his eyes , I know he was hurting but somethings are just hard to explain to a kid , I don't want you feeling you are obligated to fix us , he was about to agrue,  I need you to be a kid , love and I definitely approve of Laura, she sounds like a lovely young lady and In my opinion she is one lucky girl to have cought your attention. 

You're not just saying that because am your brother? I wish Champ,  I wish .After a hug from him ,he was gone stayed there thinking of what we are doing to him . I need to fix this .

What do you think of Noel's Dad and do you think Noel still has the right to be upset with his dead brother?