THE RIGHT CHOICE

Sharing Reasons

Noel's proverb

I was so mad at myself,  i knew I hurt her feelings but I also know she only kissed me because she felt sorry for me and that's not how I wanted to share our first real kiss. I wanted it to be... because she feels something for me .I arrived home just wanted to go to bed , cuddle with Ivan and forget everything,  on my way to my room met Dad at the terrace. 

Noel ...can we talk ? I was still furious with him , i can still feel the rage.  I can't do this now , not right now and certainly not today,  I believe we have had each other's limits for today and I certainly don't have the strength to argue with you anymore am just so tired , So.so tired.I just want to talk Noel . We glared at each other and I knew this conversation will go two sides, It will destroy the little thing still holding us together or we will just hate one another more and that will definitely be the end of us .

Okay Dad let's talk , real talk not some lame ones, we have been doing,  I want the truth from you , Why do you hate me so much , what did I ever do to you to deserve all that hate ?I remember when your mom told me she was pregnant with you I was so happy , I would talk to you every single day,  You had already learnt my voice , when I would walk in from work you would start kicking your mom's stomach just from  my voice .

I knew we were going to be inseparable. Then why did we end up like this Dad, pointing between us? In the sixth month of the pregnancy you mom fell ill,I took her to the hospital and it was declared she either gets rid of you or she dies , Even though it killed me to suggest something like that to your Mom I had to.It was either you or her,I couldn't lose her she was and still the best thing that has ever happened to my life .

Dad started shedding tears , I knew, it killed him just talking about it but I really wanted to know,  What happened Dad? She refused to get rid of you , the doctors told me there is nothing they could do , so I took her back home . She grew weaker and weaker every single day,  with that I stopped talking to you and her ,saw you as the reason why she was hurting ,we share a look.  He than continues,  ones I found her fainted on the bathroom floor,  I rushed her to the hospital and we had you born one month earlier.

  You mother survived by the grace of God.What killed me was ,she was willing to die for you after only knowing  you for Eight months over me a person that has been with her through thick and thin . As you grew up I just could not bring myself to be close to you , you reminded me that at one point I almost lost the most important person in my life .My eyes were glassy now I could hardly see Dad's face .At least  I now know  why you hate me so much and maybe you have the right to... but , I wasn't to be blamed Dad . I would never hurt Mom you know that .

I never said I hated you Remi , You do Dad , you just can't bring yourself to say it out loud,  trust me you do .Never ... yes I tried so hard to hate you but ...I just couldn't do it , each passing day I grew to love you so much .I just didn't know how to show you as a kid and especially now as an adult.As a kid you had always been so independent,  so strong and you never ones showed me you needed me , On the other hand Alvin and Larry always needed me and that kind of  made me feel so , so important. 

I needed you Dad , I still do , I would spend hours crying my eyes out , wondering what's wrong with me , why don't you like me but then I would console myself with  me trying tomorrow to make you love me .Whenever you would come back from a  trip,  I was always there waiting  even though I knew you would bring nothing for me , I was still there and you alway came in asking one same question.  Where are my boys , you never saw me there  Dad  not ones.

I just wanted you to see me Dad, so bad until one day I just got tired of trying so hard. I gave up on you especially when I realised Alvin was the one giving you all my gifts even after the various lists I had given you .I hate you so much for always making me feel so worthless of your time , never good enough for you , It killed me saying that to him but that's how I feel towards him .You made me believe I was never going to be  good for someone else and that's why I alway end up giving up in all my past relationships without a single fight .

I made a promise to myself Dad, That   I will never force anyone to be with me and God... it got easier and less painful. Am so sorry Remi, sorry I hurt you so much and am still hurting you . Dad has always been among the two people that called me Remi , the other one being my Grandpa after his death I have never heard it ,  That name felt so foreign to me ,so hearing him calling me that made me feel things . Sorry I blamed you for the death of your brother,  sorry for not acknowledging the hurt he caused you , So sorry for not being there  when you were going through the darkest times of your life and so sorry for hurting your son today .

Am sorry with that he was on his knees begging for my forgiveness. Hearing Dad apologising for all the pain he  caused me felt fulfilling, I felt like that weight that has always been with  me  finally being lifted from my shoulder and I also got to understand him better . Thank you Dad, thank you for setting me free from all these pain and hatred.  Thank you , I had joined him on the floor , we sat there  silently.

Am so proud of the man you turned out to be ,so caring , understanding,  loving and so independent, Kelly was absolutely right , If I would have wasted anymore time forcusing on my pain ...I would have lost you too. She said that ? That and more ,She is special to you and if I know you even a little I would say you have feelings for her . So bad Dad  but I don't think she feels the same way for me . Are you crazy everyone can tell she feels something for you but you will never know what they are until you confess your love to her and give her a chance to make a decision for herself whether to be with you or not.

Am scared Dad, of ruining our friendship,   scared that ...I wouldn't know how to let her go if she doesn't love me . It kills me just thinking she may still have feelings for her former boyfriend, Jackson . Knowing you son , you always find away in giving people what they want even before they know what  they need it. 

Am certain you will know how to let her go if she doesn't feel the same way for you , I know that and for the first time in my whole life  Dad hugged me , I had craved for his hug for a very long time , have always wondered how they would feel  and It felt like i was in Heaven then back to Earth , Remi...Yeah Dad i still couldn't bring myself to let go of him , I just wanted to stay there forever. 

Will you please give me another chance to be a better Dad to you, please? I pulled myself from him ,met his eyes ,I would love that Dad. I went to my room, Mom was sleeping  with Ivan .  Dropped on my bed ,was so tired but so happy , I got to mend things with Dad and I kissed the woman of my dreams,  closing my eyes all I could think about was that kiss and that I wanted more of it  so badly.  Holding her that close felt magical,  I took my phone out and texted her . Spoke to Dad and we have both agreed to give one another a chance , moments later she replies. 

Finally you did something I told you to do . When have I ever not done what you want ? She laughs at that and then texts  ,Am really happy for you both ,you two will get to know the amazing side of each other . I wanted to talk about the kiss, how it made me feel and definitely how I feel about her but not through the phone that's something we need to talk face to face ,Can I call you ? I asked her . I would love that . She sounded breathless through the phone , I talked to her about light things , funny ones and with that she was back to herself,  she never ones mentioned the kiss and how it made her feel and suddenly I had several questions buzzing in my head.  Does she regret the kiss , did she like it , so many unanswered questions.

Do you think his Dad had a valid reason to treat him as less of his child ?