Leave it Unread

Chapter 16

CW: This chapter contains an explicit scene of a panic attack. I want to be mindful of the discourse surrounding mental health and want those of you who are struggling to know that I am here if you ever need to talk. I just wanted to give a content warning so you can proceed to read if you wish or to click out of this chapter. I love you. <3

Class goes by quickly, going over our abstracts with each other as Professor Michaelson tells us to prepare to workshop next week. It means this weekend will be heavy with writing, on top of the plethora of homework I have piling up from other classes. In moments like this, I want to go home, to my dad's, to hear him tell me that a load like this is fine.

It's all fine, right?

On top of the date I have tonight, the monstrosity pending between Kathleen, Adam, Ben, and I, I feel like I might just burst. My chest feels heavy when Ben and I walk out of class, and his silence seems to, for once, help. As I turn to head towards the dorms, he catches my arm and turns me to face him.

"Noelle, you look like you've seen a ghost." His fingers linger on my arm before he pulls away, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"I'm fine." I lie, staring down at the ground as he chuckles softly. When I look up, I see the stupid smirk plastered on his face.

"You're overwhelmed." It's not a question, but the truth. The smirk washes away and is replaced with pressed lips, a concerned line that seems to just do it for me. He knows you, Noelle, how damning is that?

"I am. It's nothing, though, I can ha-"

"Handle it? Yeah, I tell myself that all the time, too." When he says this, I see the bruises on his arms, his rolled up sleeves revealing what I should have long ago fixated on. When he sees me looking at them, he places his arms behind him. 

"I guess I'll see you later." I murmur, turning to walk away only for him to turn me back towards him again. I see people eyeing us, I mean, they know Ben Jacobs. I can feel his stare that I resist as I eye the people around us. For a split second, I wonder if his fingers will rest under my chin, urging me to look up at him, just like in the novels...

"If it overwhelms you, I won't go." 

I look up and see a serious look on his face and I sink. I want you to go, don't you see? It's me who requested it.

"It'll actually help, I think." And I mean it. A surprised look paints his face before the smirk tugs at his lips again. "Don't think for one second that it's because I want you to interrogate Adam. It's because I can replace my nerves with my hatred of you."

"Cute." He mutters under his breath, thinking I don't hear it as he looks up at the sky, a habit of his I take note of. "I have to head to practice, but I'll..." The unspoken words trail off as he nods, turning around to walk away.

As he walks away, I pull out my phone and press on the texting app.

Kathleen Jones:

I couldn't be more excited for our date tonight :)

It isn't a lie.

***

"Did he say much about me in class? Did he text anything interesting?"

Kathleen's bombarding me with questions as she presses red lipstick onto her lips before turning to face me. I'm already dressed in black jeans and a white blouse. It's simple, something Kathleen already made sure to make note of before she turns back to finish doing her makeup.

"Uh, yeah, he's really excited for tonight. In class he mentioned he hates vanilla ice cream. He's slowly cracking, K." 

She squeals at this before she presses some blush onto her cheekbones, eyeing herself before clapping her hands and standing up.