time to begin [n.h]

one; secrets

May 10

If you’re reading this, I probably decided to post this on some website. Well, I want you to know that my life isn’t as beautiful as it looks like. An abusive father alongside school bullies really does that to you.

I’m what you’d call fat. I can’t do anything about it though, I’ve been anorexic but all I did was gain weight and get even fatter, sadly. It was really depressing at the time since I could always feel the fat pinched between my fingers and my thighs touching. Not eating was really helpful because no one noticed if I stopped eating. I have no one who really cares about me. The whole “not eating” thing lasted for a few months and I only lost 10 pounds which I probably gained after I gave up. I actually don’t know how much I lose and gain because I don’t have a scale, I just have to guess.

On the outside I’m so damn happy, if only I was like that on the inside. On the inside I'm basically dying, it’s like my soul is dead and that I’m dying with every step I take; I tell myself that it will probably get better though. Someday, I’ll fall in love and get married. I’ll have kids and be happy. My father wouldn’t be around and would hopefully die from alcohol poisoning.  Even though I haven’t taken a blade to my skin, doesn’t mean that I hadn’t thought about doing it. I really want to, though. It’s like I’m addicted to cigarettes and trying to stop, except this is cutting and I haven’t started. The closest I’ve gotten was shaving my legs and accidently cutting myself a bit.

So I think I should tell you a bit about me. I’m seventeen years old and I live in Minnesota. My name is Abigail, my mother died in a car crash when I was 4 years old. I don’t remember her much, but I always think about what she’s like. I play the guitar and piano and I love to sing with all my heart.

I upload videos on YouTube weekly and get some good feedback. But there are those comments, hating on me if you’d call it that. I used to do it just to see how good I am, now I do it for fun and the fact that I get lonely on Friday nights due to my lack of friends and a social life. I upload covers of popular or unpopular songs that I like; some from the radio and some from my hours of listening to songs off YouTube. You could say that I’m popular, but I just think that a lot of people stumble along my videos and seem to like them. It’s not like I get millions of views and subscribers.

I want to be a famous singer someday. It isn’t going to happen, but I can still dream. It’s what I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember. Singing has always been a part of me and I’m not letting it go now; especially when I need an escape more than anything.

 Even though I’m what you’d call “abused,” I have nice things. Like I’ll get a MacBook the day after a bad beating, or an iPhone, maybe even a few hundred dollars to spend on something I want at the mall. I have a decent amount of clothes, all almost identical. My usual outfit consists of: A hoodie, skinny jeans, Converse, and my necklace that I wear every day. It has a red bicycle on it. It’s boring, I know. But it sort of reflects my mood as of right now.

There’s only one thing that I forgot to mention, I’m a huge Directioner. Niall is my favorite, we listen to the same type of music and dress similar. Plus, who couldn’t like him? Everyone loves the Irish!  He’s always got a place in my heart. The only reason this is important is because I think they play a major part in my life. I have quite a few internet friends that I’ve only met because of One Direction. They’re my only friends, even though I have never met them and probably won’t. So yes, they’ve played a huge part in my life and make me feel happy inside. The only thing I could wish for out of them is to be able to love Niall. Not like it is now, but in person; knowing the real Niall Horan and not what the media portrays of him.

Love always,

                 Abigail.

~*~

last edited: 30/3/14 3:51 AM CST