Love & Disquietude

Unarmed

is it too much to ask

for a love without pain?

to give someone my unarmed heart

and hold theirs in my hand

without worry of crushing

the delicate thing in my palm;

or fear of mine being discarded

onto the age old ground

beneath a lover's feet?

is is so wrong of me

to wish for an ever-budding romance

that doesn't decay

withering and crumbling

agonizingly slow

into ash and dust

right in front of my tainted eyes?

with every violent beat of my heart

rattling against my ribs,

my chest throbs;

with every infatuated thought

and every innocent blooming hope for my future

I feel a little more helpless.

my heart is lit on fire and tossed into the abyss

only to be retrieved to endure the pain once more;

I hate feeling things

for I feel far too much

and though I'm told it's a genuine quality

I think I would much rather be numb

because when I have been desensitized

I felt a semblance of peace like I'd never known;

it's not that I don't like loving

but rather that it tires me out

takes away my free will

and makes me nauseous,

rather that it throws me off track

makes me question all I've ever known

including myself

who am I?

I ask about a hundred times a day

to no one in particular

since whoever should be controlling the storm within my brain

seems to be long absent