Andante con Brio

L

He knew he had been quiet, he knew he was probably being so quiet that it was rude. He had taken the plate of food he had been handed and eaten it in silence. He had watched the others joke around and drink beer, he had hugged Lily when she came back with Matt, but he had barely said a word himself all night. 
His head felt like it was about to explode. This morning life had seemed so, so simple. He had been accepted into the con, all his wishes come true, and he was going to make it, and in just a few short years he was going to be one of those guys on the stage, over by the first violin section. Or maybe even the guy in front of them all, facing the audience. 
Now he was simply a stupid, naive guy who had passed up a perfectly good opportunity to be a doctor, to be successful, to use the brain he had been given for the good of others, all just for a stupid pipe dream of making it as a musician. And just to make matters worse, he knew there was no way he could ever pass up the opportunity, should it arise, to live with his friends. Even if it would mean breaking his poor mother's heart, who had done nothing but take care of him and his sister her whole life. 
Seriously, what kind of person did that make him? 
And then there had been the moment he and Brett had shared in the tent earlier. He wasn't overstating much when he admitted to himself that that was some of the best times he had ever had, in his life, but even that felt quite selfish now. Because he was hiding, right? He could just be finding a girl like a normal person, settling down, becoming a family man, giving his mum grandchildren she could fuss over? 
He was denying her even that, right? 
He could feel himself spiraling down and he knew how fucking stupid that was, but he couldn't help himself. Even Brett's hand, that had been in his all evening as they sat on the tarp between their tents, wasn't helping him. 
Maybe he should just go to bed and spare everyone else the misery of having to spend any more time with him. 

The hand on his shoulder was so sudden that he startled. 
"Take a walk with me, Eddy."
He looked up into Todd's face and he would have said no, don't bother with me, just leave me here... but like the good obedient boy he was he squeezed Brett's hand, let it go and stood up automatically. 
He followed Todd in silence, all the way to the water, where he had been just last night in such a different light. Even the moon was gone now, and there were no fireflies playing on the waves tonight. 
"Eddy. Get a grip, mate. Hey."
Todd's hand was on his shoulder and to be honest, he welcomed the comfort. Selfishly. Of course. 
"I... I'm sorry, Todd." he stammered. "I... I know I've been a downer."
He couldn't really see Todd because it was so dark but he heard his huff. 
"You've not been a downer, Eddy. You are so much too fucking hard on yourself it's not even funny. Tell me what's eating you?"
He shouldn't, really, he knew that. He shouldn't burden his friend with his crap, should be able to deal with it on his own like a sensible adult but before he knew it it was all bubbling out of him like the verbal runs and he told him everything; from his daydream in the opera house, to how crushed he felt after Kevin had told them what he did, about his mum and all the guilt he felt about potentially leaving her... he told him all of it.
When he finally stopped talking and looked back out over the dark sea Todd was quiet for a long time. Then he heard him breathing in slowly through his teeth.  
"Okay. Eddy. Look. I get it. It's easy to be down on yourself. God knows I'm pretty good at that myself. But you must be aware that you can't be responsible for your mum's happiness, right?"
Todd's words floated out to the ocean and back again. Wasn't he? It didn't feel like he shouldn't be responsible for his mum's happiness. At all. 
"Maybe." he told his friend quietly with a question mark in the word, the sound trailing off on the e.  

He did have to admit he was feeling marginally better now that he had told Todd all of this shit, though. Marginally. 
"Look. Just think about the good parts of today. There were good parts, right?"
Eddy had to smile, he couldn't help it, because now he knew for certain Todd knew what they had been up to in the tent. He sniggered softly. 
"Yeah."
He thought about Mahler five in the raised opera house seats, this afternoon. That had been great, right? Sitting there in plush red velvet, listening to fantastic music? And to be honest, even hearing Kevin's stories about conductors and soloists?
He sighed. 
"Yeah. There were."
"Look. Kevin's right. Maybe we won't make it." Todd said quietly. "But we can at least try, right?"
Eddy blinked once more over the waves he could hear but not really see. Todd was right, of course. 
"Yeah. We can try."
If he could be nothing else, at least he could be the guy that tried.