Andante con Brio

LVI

He was back in the water and the deep blue waves were crashing into him faster than he could take, faster than he could breathe. They threw him violently from side to side, the darkness carrying him away, inexorably away from the beach. And this time there was no fighting it, no, it was useless because his hands and feet were tied together somehow and he couldn't move them. He couldn't swim, he couldn't do anything to save himself. He tried to kick up with all his might, up above to where there was air to breathe, he pushed, he shoved against the water, desperate for breath, but it just wasn't working. He fought anyway, of course, giving everything he had to battle his way back to the surface with both legs but the black water was beckoning him, the white foam above and all around him as he sunk, helpless, sunk deeper and deeper as the water took him away...

"Jesus, Eddy!" 
Brett voice came through the waves and he breathed, suddenly, taking in huge gulps of air before realising where he was. 
He was safe, in the sleeping bag, with Brett. He was safe. 
It was just a dream. 
"Oh." he groaned as he buried his face in Brett's chest and sobbed. "I couldn't breathe, Bretty, I just couldn't breathe."
As he moved in his bed he could feel how sore he was, sore all over. He could barely move his arm up around Brett and his legs felt like they were swollen and stiff. 
"Eddy. You're okay, it was just a dream." 
Brett's hands were stroking him gently, pulling him close, holding him in place. 
Like a life raft. 
Somehow he couldn't stop crying, all the panic back in his system, all the fear he had felt in those moments in the rip, and all he could do was bury his face in Brett's t-shirt and surrender himself to the onslaught. Seriously, how fucking much could one guy cry in one short holiday? But yet the tears kept flowing, and Brett kept stroking him and holding him. 

"Eddy?" Brett said at last when he had calmed down a little, his voice soft but full of weight. "Can... can you please be honest with me, just how close was that, this afternoon?"
Oh shit.
What could he say now? He had never wanted to tell Brett about the awful moments when he hadn't been sure if he would make it back. But what choice did he have now, after he went and had stupid nightmares about it? Because that would be lying right to his face, right?
Flat out lying to Brett, now that he would not do. Never. 
"I'm so sorry, Bretty." he whispered against Brett's shirt, which was moist from his tears.  "Fuck. Yeah, if I'm honest, it was pretty close. I... I'm so sorry for having been so stupid, Brett, I knew before I went in that it was a bad idea, it just... it seemed so lame to say no. Or maybe I needed to... well, I don't know. But I should have just said no."
He couldn't see much in the dark but he knew Brett was scrunching his eyes shut, could hear the little intake of breath. 
It was quiet for a long time in the tent as he heard Brett's heart speed up and calm down again. 
"Jesus." he said then. 
Eddy just nodded. Was Brett going to be mad? Sad? It didn't matter, he would take it, he would take it and make it better. 
"Eddy. Please. Don't ever do something that could take you away from me."
He could feel Brett turning a bit to him and he raised his head, even though really it was too dark to look him in the eye. 
"My life without you would be over. You're everything to me."
Eddy's sore hand shot up of its own accord, and it found what he knew it would. Brett's cheek was moist. Oh no. He had made him cry. 
"Shit, Brett. I'm so, so sorry."
Brett shook his head in the dark. 
"No need to be sorry. Just... please."
"Yeah."

In the dark tent Eddy made a silent vow to himself to never put himself in harm's way, ever again. 
"I promise."
He groaned as he moved his sore body up on the camping mat so his mouth could reach Brett's soft cheek, and he kissed each and every tear away. 
"Come here." Brett whispered suddenly, and he pushed him in the chest so he lay down. "Let me kiss you, yeah?"