Andante con Brio

LVII

"Eddy."
The voice was quiet, and sweet, and so unmistakably Brett's that he was awake instantly. He turned his face to the sound but he kept his eyes shut for another moment. He could feel Brett's breath, softly touching his cheek, and he smiled. He still didn't want to open his eyes though. Opening his eyes would mean the day would officially begin, would mean he would be sore, would probably get questions about the stupid nightmare he had. Had the others heard him as he flailed about last night on his camping mat? 
And why had he gone and got nightmares anyway? He was fine, wasn't he? Some of the horrible images of yesterday were threatening to flash through his brain again and he opened his eyes with a shock. 
"Hey." Brett was very close and his voice was warm and soft. "How are you?"
The concern on his face was clear as the day around them. Eddy both loved how he looked at him now and hated it in equal measure. 
He hated it, because it meant he had been weak. Because that concern showed him how much pain he had caused his boyfriend, how much he had scared him, yesterday. But he loved it too, because it showed so clearly that Brett loved him. Cared for him. Wanted that he was okay. And as he stared into Brett's eyes, trying to see only him and nothing about the nightmare, he could feel the former washing away with the soft sound of Brett's breath. 
He had tried, yesterday, not to worry him, to hide how scared he had been from Brett. Well, that hadn't worked out so great, had it? 
"I'm okay." he said truthfully. "Fucking sore, though."
Brett smiled as he put his face down on his shoulder and nuzzled into him. 
"Not too sore for this?"
He kissed his hair softly. 
"No, Bretty. Never too sore for this. Are... are you okay?"
Brett looked up again, his koala eyes wide, the worry dissipated somewhat, the globes shining with something. Love? Maybe? Was it love? 
"Yeah. I'm okay if you're okay."
Eddy blinked. 
"Fuck, Brett, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for worrying you, sorry for not telling you and then going and having nightmares and scaring you all over again."
Brett nodded once, soberly. The shining in his eyes didn't change. 
"Are you feeling better, now? You know what I mean?"

Yeah, he knew what he meant and Brett was right. He had only pulled his stupid stunt yesterday because he had been so shocked, so out of it, that he had needed to do something life-affirming. But what had he actually had to prove? 
Nothing. He had had nothing to prove. 
And yet... he could feel the glimmer of something inside of him. Yes, he had almost drowned. But then he had saved himself. He hadn't needed anyone else, he had done that all on his own. And if he could save himself from a rip, from a situation where lots of people would have been lost in the waves, in the ocean... maybe, just maybe he would be strong enough for the other stuff too?
Maybe?
So when he kissed his love's forehead, and when he pushed him gently so he would lay down again and he could nuzzle his nose into Brett's sweet-smelling hair again, he meant what he said. 
"Yeah. I am, actually."
And look, he would apologise again, and again, he wanted to, he felt he needed to... but something in Brett made him hold his tongue. 
"Good." Brett said. "Come here." 
Eddy moved so he was lying face to face with his love and tipped his chin up. Brett's lips looked pink and plump, the skin above them slightly prickly because none of them had shaved here. 
So inviting. 
He bent over quietly and touched his lips to Brett's. 
"Hmmm." Brett hummed and suddenly he deepened the kiss. Eddy could taste him now, could taste his despair, his fear, and before he knew it he forgot all about soreness, he hooked his leg around him and pulled him closer. 
"It's all good." he whispered in Brett's ear before he kissed him again. 
And he really believed it was true.