Mending Heart |18+|

Chapter 14

I Am Not Okay

"It's okay that we're not perfect. It's okay that we all have problems. It's okay to cry, to show emotions."

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The tricky thing about depression is that it'll hit you when you least expect it.

It took me a while to admit to myself that it's not normal to spend all weekend in your apartment with the curtains drawn and Netflix playing in the background. Or that when you meet your best friend for coffee and they ask you how you are, the appropriate response isn't to burst into tears.

Yeah – that last one went over really well with Megan who would not stop calling me every hour  for an entire week after that incident.

Unfortunately, depression doesn't just knock on your door and announce itself. No – it'll creep up on your gradually, and then all at once until you don't know how to function anymore.

Getting out of bed in the morning becomes a struggle, you begin to make up excuses about being busy to avoid seeing your friends and family, and most importantly – you wake one morning asking yourself what do I have to live for.

No – I am not suicidal. I want to live, more than anything. I'm just having a hard time finding the will to do so at the moment.

Most days are manageable, but then something happens and I just can't bring myself to get out of bed for three days because I'm so angry and hurt.

Take this past weekend for example.

And for what? A lying cheating scumbag?

Apparently.

I wanted everything I was feeling to just go away. Not even the weed and alcohol could make me feel better. All it did was numb the pain for the moment, until the next morning when reality came crashing down again.

Then after the self-pity, came the anger. Anger towards myself for allowing someone that isn't even a part of my life anymore to have such a hold on me, and anger towards the world for being happy while I was miserable.

And then of course there was Ethan.

Sweet, gentle Ethan who was the perfect gentleman even when dealing with my crazy shit.

Having a full-blown breakdown with tears and snot running down your face in front of your boss and the guy you're sleeping with is not how I imagined my night going.

I thought for sure he would be gone by the time I woke up this morning, but he once again managed to surprise me when I woke up with his arm still wrapped securely around my waist and his hand aimlessly playing with my hair.

Maybe he wasn't so bad after all, I thought. Maybe he was worth getting to know – rules be damned.

Hearing the water in the bathroom shut off, I knew it was only a matter of time before I had to face him.

I had insisted on putting on my big girl pants this morning and going into the office, but Ethan said he would tell them I was taking a personal day. Who was I to deny a day off work?

When I heard the bathroom door open, my head snapped in that direction and my eyes ogled. A very wet and half-naked Ethan stood in the doorway with a smirk plastered across his face.

"See something you like, Cupcake?" His lips twitched upwards as he slowly approached the bed.

"Pst!" I snorted. "Some coffee and breakfast would be nice."