estranged

13. james.

13.james

I wake up on the ground. I can trees and dirt. "Russ..?" i try to call out. But its barely a whisper. I start to push myself up to see where i am but as i do, a jolt of pain shoots up my spine, making me keel over again as i cry out in pain. I force myself up to a sort of sitting position, but still hunched over from the soreness . Im outside the forest, the trees are swaying menacingly to my right, but hey, at least by bike is here. My head throbs. What happened? This almost feels like a worse- hangover. Something crinkles under my hand as i begin to push myself up. Its a piece of paper. I pick it up and unfold it. Inside is possibly the worst spelling and handwriting iver ever seen but i can vaguely make it out . it says something like "dont come back". How nice. Wait. wait no. SHIT. this is terrible. Ive blown it. I fucking blew it. Oh no. oh god. And then i remember what he called me. And everything starts to hurt again. And i cant help it. I start crying. Tearing the note up and throwing the pieces of paper on the ground. My chest burns in shame and fury. I dont care about my body hurting anymore. I just need to leave. I need to go home. I cant breathe. My chest hurts too much. I stumble over to my bike and get on, everything is blurry from the stinging tears but i dont care. I begin riding, faster and faster, my legs beginning to ache but i keep going and i dont stop until i get home.

As i park my bike , the adrenaline begins to leave me and exhaustion sets in. i sink to my knees and feel tears start streaming down my face again. How did this happen? My mind is a swirling mess of thoughts and i just want to scream. This dosent seem real. This cant be real. I open the door and find myself turning into a sobbing mess as soon as i step inside. I try to be quiet. Mum is going to kill me if i wake her up, and if i wake charlie up its going to be even worse,But im gasping for air through the sobs. I bury my face in a pillow on the couch to muffle the sound of the tears and cry and cry until i feel like a wringed out towel, all dry and horrible and soggy. After more futile attempts to calm myself down i resort to food as a comfort item. I walk over to the fridge and pull a little half-finished container of icecream out, wincing as the cold air stings the tears that remain on my cheeks. I grab a spoon and begin shovelling icecream into my mouth. The sweetness is soothing and i find myself feeling at least a little bit better as i start to feel full. Its cold and refreshing. But its not enough. I just need a distraction. I can already feel myself slipping back into despair as soon as the ice cream euphoria begins to fade so i sit down on the couch again, almost empty icecream container in hand , and begin flicking through all the channels to find something to make me feel better. But For the first time, icecream isnt working. Tv isnt working. Nothing is working. This isnt even a breakup! Why am i so upset? Theres what he called me, but ive been called that before. I dont care about it. I hardly know him, so why did it hurt so badly? I dont understand... you know what? No. i cant be upset about this. This wasnt going to work. It never was. But ..at least i tried and thats whats important.. Right?... i can feel my eyes pricking with tears again. Stupid stupid stupid! Sleep. Yes i need sleep. Ill feel better tomorrow. Come on i cant get over this. Its just one guy that i didnt want to be with anyway. One.. really hot.. Guy.. ugh ,stop crying! I get up and saunter to my room, wiping my eyes. Yeah.. at least if sleep dosent work, ill not be horribly tired tomorrow. Its like 12 pm.. I sigh shakily and flop down onto my bed. It takes hours of tossing and turning but exhaustion finally gets the better of me and i drift off to sleep.

*****

Jack bangs on my door,"Wake up dipshit!". "Piss off.." i murmur. The sun is shining through my curtains, illuminating the room in a soft, golden glow. My bed is all nice and warm and the last thing i want to do is to get up , especially to jack. I roll over to enjoy what little time i have here left, but I immediately pull my head back, shocked. Why is it wet?? For a minute im horrified at the idea that it might be piss again. Stupid jack and his his stupid dogs. But i realise that its not piss. Its.. i reach up to feel my face and sure enough, my eyes are damp with tears. And then i remember. And then i start crying again. I try to stop myself, but i just cant. I cry into my pillow like a big wuss, but then i smell something wonderful being cooked in the kitchen and it makes me stop for a moment, then i begin laughing at my own stupidity. Food? Really? Hey, at least im not crying as much anymore... I get up, slowly, but its a start. Food will at least hopefully take my mind off of everything. I walk out of my room and into the kitchen, taking a deep breath to inhale all of the nice smells, but then i stop. Something dosent feel right. I look over at jack. Hes staring at me, it actually looks like hes pretty scared. I frown,"What..?". "Um... you good?.." jack asks. For a hot minute i begin panicking because i think he means , 'am i ok about russ and getting rejected..sort of'. But no. of course he just means the bruises, which are also from him but still. But ive already started fidgeting and oh no, oh shit. Mum is staring at me too. And micheal. And dad. And charlie. Everyone is looking at me and my very obvious injuries, which come to think of it , actually really hurt now. "James? Are you ok? What happened??" demands mum, getting up from her chair. "N-nothing! I just fell off my bike last night.. I'm fine, really.." i wave my arms around, "see? Nothings broken. Im fine."