Forever an Actor~

why?

Why does everyone in my life give up on me. Why do I give up on myself. Everything went downhill when I finally made friends and my mom started dating. My friends name was Kayla and man was she beautiful. We would always hang out no matter how late it was. Our families would have cook outs together. We would go on road trips, talk boys, eat anything we wanted. Our lives were perfect. But it all came to an end when she was killed by none other than my father. Kayla and her parents were driving when my dad crashed into them. He was drunk, he had just found out about my mom and her affair. After that, I was never the same. I lost my best and only friend. No, I lost my sister and my parents that night.

My mom would always be out and about at night. My father would stay home and get drunk, no care in the world. I would hide in my room trying to escape all the things he would do to me. Most of the time he would call me by my moms name... it still rings in my head. After awhile he would sober up and go to work. Things finally started to fall in place with them. My mom dumped the guy she was with and came back to my dad. I guess you could say this was the gold in my life. We were finally getting back to being happy. But in reality, "nothing gold can stay".

I repeat that phrase over and over trying to convince myself that there is always something to look forwards to. My dad began to go off the rails again when he lost his job. He kept my mother and I locked inside and only he could go out. My mother changed, she would tell me im worthless and fat. That no one loves me and everything is my fault. I took her words with me everytime I got to sneak out. My dad continued to abuse me no matter what I did or didn't do. No matter if he was drunk or not. Once he was done with me, I would lock myself in the bathroom and pull out my blades. It was my only escape from reality. No matter how many cuts I made on my thighs or wrists, nothing made me better. Nothing made me forget. Nothing could save me.

Once things got out of control is when I planned my escape. My dad would be passed out and I would take money from his wallet and save it. Once I saved enough, I would run away. The night he hit my mom, was my last day there. He never laid a hand on her no matter how mad he was, in his eyes I was always the one messing up or disobeying. In his eyes, I was the monster. Everything that was said to me or thrown at me, made an impact on who I have become. I cut every night and wish that someone would save me. That they would take me aways from this hell I live in. When I ran away, I felt free and like I finally could breathe. This was until I woke up the next day wondering if I did the wrong thing. Maybe I should have stayed. I know deep down they must love me. They are just hurting right....

Well this is goodbye for now.

I closed my journal and looked around me. This room is so empty and cold. I climbed out of the bed and got dressed. I threw on my Converse and laced them up.