Not a Bestseller

School dances are so stupid

"So...you're telling me...that this totally normal girl who's met you like twice wants to spend time with you of her own free will? W-well...what is she on? What's wrong with her? I mean..."

Austin broke into cackles. He'd been in much better spirits since my falling out with Julia. My life was a constant I told you so.

Stuart fidgeted with his thumbs. "She must be a terrorist."

"Shut up."

"How else do you explain-"

"I don't know..." Austin's big old acne-head turned back on me. (Sorry, that was mean.) "What exactly did she say to you?"

My surroundings looked familiar. Too familiar. Was I at my house? Why were Stuart and Austin at my house? When did I get here? I glanced to my left to find a Jewish girl in a green turtleneck. Great. Kim was here too.

But no Willie. Hmm...

A big hand grasped my shoulder. "Dude, are you okay?"

"I..."

Every pupil in the room was directed towards my vicinity. Yeah...that statement makes sense. 

Kim raveled her bleached bun back over her head. "When's the last time we actually heard him talk?"

I blinked.

"He mentioned going back home after therapy, and we all kind of invited ourselves. I...he doesn't talk a whole lot...I didn't think anything of it." Austin stuck his face in front of mine. "You good?"

Last thing I remembered was Valerie asking me...well, force-asking me to the dance. Then I was here. With them. Wait...no.

My parents. That's right, I had told them, and Dad had a spit-take with his coffee. Mom cried what I pray were happy tears.

"Yeah." I ignored my blistering headache. "I'm...great."

Kim squared me to face her. "You're not getting cold feet, are you?"

A blizzard hit my chest. I hadn't considered backing out—the situation didn't feel real yet. But the idea of ditching the frizzy pink chick made my head hurt even more than usual.  

No, I wouldn't do that. Julia would kill me.

"So," I said, "What happens at a school dance?"

Now, I could tell you about how mom rented out black and white clothes that made me feel like a yin-yang, how Kim gave me a step-by-step tutorial on how to slow dance without looking like an idiot, or how Austin called up Valerie to change our plans and made himself a third-wheel, well, fifth wheel. (Because we were going to take a car with four wheels and I like puns). However, I think you'll be most interested to hear how I was tricked into the last thing on the agenda.

Curious?

Me neither.

Austin called up Valerie again and told her that he was going to be our chaperone-driver person instead of Ed, because he is overly involved and enjoys living more in my life than his own. He arrived at my house thwacked the car horn with three good blows.

I sighed and stepped outside my bedroom. My feet dragged down the stairs. The tux felt like an anchor in quicksand.

"You look so grown up." Mom pinned the last of her hair on her head. Her eyes lit up. "Oh, I have something for you...for her."

I stood there stiff as a Stuart. All of a sudden, I was holding a wristlet covered in gigantic pink petal things that were supposed to be flowers. Wow. This is what a corsage looks like.