Not a Bestseller

Freak of the Misfits

Three-thirty in the morning, I got the email:

Hey guys,

I hope you all have a stupendous and well-earned spring break. Due to many families being out of town, we won't have any therapy sessions this week. Feel free to call me if need be, otherwise, stay in contact and do some personal belief-searching.

God Bless,

~Dr. White

Many would view this as an unfortunate chain of events. I saw it as a way to get out of working on my school paper. Between the waiter with the fountain T-shirt, the Sherlock Holmes dude, and the warning from that cop who arrested me, I had no idea where to start.

Instead, I could read that book I'd picked up from the school library: An Unbiased Guide to World Religions. Written by world-renowned Atheist, Christian Young.

The book was organized from most to least hated. I skimmed the pages. The words "hate," "scum," and "unintelligent swine" appeared a lot, as well as the phrase "I don't mean to sound biased, but..."

I closed the book. Maybe I should've read this with Austin.

I searched five-star religious books on Amazon. Christianity is the Best, Losers by Sherman Artifice. Mormons Know What's Up by Novus Americus Mundus. I Grew up Jewish, Hinduism: Not What You Think, and I'm a Buddhist Now, Here's Why, all by Ameena Fidelio Loyal. Islam is the New Black by Christian Young Jr.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think an unbiased world religions book exists.

My eyes scanned over the email when I spotted the second book I'd checked out from the library. A White Heart in a World of Grey Solutions. By Richard S. White. "Stay in touch. Do some personal belief searching." Easy for him to say—the man had made a career out of sticking moral compasses in teenagers.

Rather than be productive, I spent the first two days of my spring break at the fountain. I kept a blank notepad in hand and waited for the Sherlock Holmes man. A band of boys had left graffiti on the ally walls: a "Homer Simpson" version of Rex Peterson covered in pig's blood. There were a few others farther down the alley: Peterson's gravestone, Peterson in Hitler's uniform, a decapitated Peterson slumped in the gallows, etc.

I didn't understand it until I read the newspaper headline on my third day of Spring Break.

Rex Peterson Accused of Promoting Illegal Black-Market Trade for Personal Profit.

With the first sunshine of spring came a devastating blow to the Peterson campaign, when, on April 9th, rumors of crack trade swept the market once more. Peterson denies any affiliation as he takes his third vacation this year to the Bahamas. Meanwhile, manager Bill Wood states that the funds for Peterson's budget are completely legal, and this is simply further hate spiraled from the controversial man's political opponents. They are hard at work to prove innocence in court as investigative reporters take on the cocaine traces after busting a dealer near Peterson's home.

So that's why my parents hadn't been home.

Peterson's ties with the drug deal that had ties with my fountain didn't raise any red flags. Instead, I raised a white flag, leaned against my fountain, and thought back to Dr. White's assignment. Personal beliefs. Why would I give a piece of fudge about personal beliefs? Still, I needed something. Austin was with his mom on a Florida cruise ship. Stuart scared the living chocolate chip waffles out of me. Kim and Willie were fighting again. I had to steal a belief system from somebody.

That's when I remembered Julia at the library.

It didn't matter if she'd been talking to God, Satan, an imaginary friend, or her Tiny Person. I was going to steal her belief system and get Dr. White off my case. Besides, I'd been alone in my house for almost three days—Tiny Person was getting louder, and my vocal cords had shriveled to dust. If I didn't interact with another human being soon, I'd probably do something stupid, and no one would be around to stop me.