Evan's POV
⚠️ Mentions of Suicide ⚠️
Why did I come back here? Why is everything becoming so bad again? Where is my miracle to have this perfect life, this perfect partner, just.. Happy life?
I can't deal with this pain again, I hate being alone, I hate it with a burning passion, I want friends, I want a partner, anything really.
I'm losing my grip on my mental health, on life. I'm falling and everything, every small freaking thing, is crashing down around me.
It hurts, physically and mentally ALL the time and I have nobody to pat me on the shoulder and tell me it'll be okay. And god, im so sick of writing these notes for 'help', it's pointless.
My anxiety is overwhelming, the smallest thing triggers it and I'll have a full mental breakdown every single day.
I don't want to be looked at like im some crazy person, some loner, loser, pathetic nobody. I want somebody to see me in a better light.. I would do anything for that.
But this isn't a happy ending, nothing good happens to Evan Hansen.
That's why I climbed up here, im terrified but.. Less so than waking up again tomorrow and hating everything. It's cruel, it's horrid that it's coming down to this but.. That's life I guess, I wasn't a lucky one.
I was up so high, everything so blurry from my tears. I didn't think twice, I jumped, I jumped and let my thoughts stop all together. I'm right about to hit the ground, I'll have a peace of m-
I gasped, sitting up on my bed. I'm shaking, tears streaming down my face as I look around, gripping my sheets.
I was.. Home. My husband, Connor was next to me, now tiredly sitting up. I barely saw his face, it was so dark and me crying wasn't helping.
I was sniffling, my breathing was very shakey, so was I, and I couldn't stop. I felt the way that I did when I tried to commit when I was in high school and it was.. God awful.
I clung onto Connors side, he put his arm around me. "Are you alright, Ev? Did you have.. The dream again?" He spoke in a soft tone which was soothing to listen to.
I nodded, leaning into his touch, he made me feel so safe and I needed him right now.
"Oh baby- its okay, im here. That won't ever happen again, okay? I'm here.. Just calm down, you're okay." He moved me so I was in front of him, better able to cuddle him, which I did.
I hugged him and had my head lying on his chest, trying to calm myself down. He kissed the top of my head, rubbing my bare back which soothed me more.
"Let the tears fall, let all your emotions out. I'm right here, you're at home, you're in our room, not in the orchard. We're far away from there now, you'll never go there again.."
He made me feel so comfortable, he never judged and helped me through moments like this. I kept mumbling out little 'thank you's.
This went on until I tired myself out again. I wasn't sleeping just yet, just exhausted and sleepy.
Connor kept rubbing my back, kept checking up on me, kept reassuring me.
See past me? I'm glad you didn't successfully commit. You did get that happy ending, you are lucky.
You own your own little house, you have a loving husband, and a little kitty too. It'll all work out, you'll see.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the morning, Evan stayed in bed longer than usual, he needed the extra sleep.
He only has these night terrors only when he's stressed/ overworked/ anxious already.
Connor knew this and made sure Evan would relax all day.
Breakfast in bed, facemasks, movies, going out for lunch and to hang out at the mall with friends, lots and lots of kisses. It was such an amazing day.
