stevebucky - hiraeth

12. Trust

Strange had found the location of the chip, and was prepping for surgery. Barnes was sitting in the room with a mask over his face. Everyone had told him that being present at Steve's surgery would be a terrible idea, but he refused to leave his side.

(I know pretty much nothing(okay, absolutely nothing) about surgery, so the whole surgery procedure won't be detailed or anything)

"I don't think you want to see any of this," Strange said, not even looking at Barnes.

"I've killed a lot of people. I can handle blood."

"That's true, but can you handle his?"

He didn't reply.

"Well, you are loyal. That's sweet."

"He's my friend. I've not going to leave him alone again."

"Ah, yes...friends. Your brain and his certainly say otherwise."

Barnes didn't answer.

                                                                                             -

"Is he still in there?" Scott asked. Tony and Rhodes were arguing with the government in the other room, everyone else stuck waiting in the living room. 

"Yeah. I'm not sure if I'm surprised or not," Clint said.

"I'm not," Sam said. "I just don't know if he'll be able to handle it for too much longer."

It had been hours. They had been going through Tony's extensive collection of disaster movies(which Rhodes had outlawed, due to Tony's PTSD and anxiety, fearing that they would harm him somehow, so Tony bought as many as he could anyway). 

Scott popped another DVD into the player. "Why does he have a regular player, anyway? Wouldn't he have some fancy gold-plated hologram 3D room thingy?"

"I honestly don't know. At least it works, unlike the majority of DVD players." Nat said, eating popcorn from Clint's bowl.

A door slammed and Barnes walked in quickly, breathing hard. He stood in the doorway, everyone staring at him, then Nat patted the couch seat next to her, and he cautiously sat down.

"How is he doing?"

"He, um," Barnes' voice wavered. "He-" He broke down crying, and much to Nat's surprise, let her give him a hug.

The PA system suddenly crackled, and Strange's voice echoed out. 

"While I'm aware Sergeant Barnes has left, I know everyone probably wants to know what's going on. I will be updating when I can."

"It's going badly," Barnes wheezed out between sobs. "He's not good. What if he doesn't make it?"

Natasha didn't know when Barnes had decided she was someone he could trust. But it still made her happier than she would admit.

"He's going to make it," she whispered. "He's going to be okay."

"What if he's not?" He was shaking. "What if I lose him again? He's already lost me three times. I can't lose him again. I can't."

"You're not going to."

"What if I do, Natasha?"

She hugged him tighter.

"I am about to remove the chip," Dr. Strange's calm voice  said.

"Did you really think I loved you?" Bucky asked.

"W-what?" Steve spluttered.

"I never did. I never have. Did you think that I could be released from HYDRA with just one line?"

Barnes buried his head in Nat's shoulder. He hated what a child he was being right now- he hadn't acted like this in almost a century. Good god, he was old.

"He is reacting negatively."

"I've never loved you. You made it all up in your head!"

Barnes squeezed his eyes shut.

"His heart has stopped, I am about to restart it."

Bucky shoved him back, over and over again, and when Steve fell to his back, he started kicking him, never relenting.

Sam reached out and patted Barnes on the back.

"First attempt unsuccessful. I am trying again."

That was when every situation Steve had been trapped in for the past week began playing- all of them at once, flashing, spinning, every painful part being repeated, driving it in too far. It refused to stop, refused to let him go, only digging its claws in further.

Wanda was muttering something under her breath in Sokovian.

"Second attempt successful. I am going to try to take the chip out again."

He just wanted it to stop. Why couldn't it stop? Why couldn't he finally be free?

The movie continued, an earthquake splitting a city on screen.

"The chip seems to be sending out some kind of signal that's shutting down his organs. I need to take it out as quickly as possible."

Bucky's face came, clearer, and his voice came through-

"I HATE YOU

I HATE YOU

I HATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU"

And the pain hit him, like his soul was shriveling away.

The people onscreen screamed in terror as Barnes cried.

"It's out. I have it out."

The darkness was taking over. He welcomed it.

Barnes lifted his head, sniffing. He paused for a moment, then leapt up, running back to surgery. He slammed the door open to see Strange stitching up Steve's arm.

"You shouldn't be in here again, it's not sanitary."

"I have to see him."

"He needs to rest. For a while."

"Fine. I'll wait."

Strange lifted Steve off the table and moved him to a cot, attaching an IV. Barnes sat down in a chair next to him.

"It will be several more hours until he wakes up."

"I don't care."

And so he waited. The others came in at one point, and Strange explained what had happened.

"The chip did a last-ditch effort when I took it out, and I can't tell how much damage it did exactly. Physically, it's a lot, but mentally, only if or when Steve wakes up, we'll be able to tell."

Wanda pressed her hands to Steve's temples. "It's so silent now."

Barnes watched Steve, his mind racing.  He was going to be able to talk to him again.