She's Just That Kind of Girl

Twenty-One | Violet

- 3 days until LSU kickoff -

We set up a mini bar on the kitchen island for everyone to take advantage of. Selena wanted to play bartender, so she crafted mixed drinks with fresh ingredients at request. Her margaritas were untouchably legendary—so I've been told—and Austin attested to. I still had no idea what was up between them two, but I stayed out of it. Outwardly anyway. I invited our bodyguards to join us, but they insisted on just chilling in their rental condo to give us privacy for the night. So long as we didn't go anywhere without them.

The intimate party of Tanner's closest friends I planned was going perfectly. Lights dimmed to a perfect, humming glow. Not too bright, but not like you were trying to feel your way around the condo through squinting eyes. William hung around our grill, crafting the steaks and grilled vegetables that we bought for the occasion with a smile on his face and a cider beer to his lips. The condo filled with loud laughter and words, joy vibrated this new space and for once in a time that felt like an eternity, I was happy. The anxiety still rippled and stirred in the back of mind though. Papi, my secret I still needed to spill to my sisters, Mamá and Stone, and Tanner.

My, oh my, Tanner.

A single man now. I knew he felt shocked and hurt over the whole ordeal. In his shoes, I wouldn't know how to wrap my head around how to feel about it either. Tiptoeing that line of wanting to make it work but also knowing it's over, only to have that person completely confirm your worst fear and just make that decision for you. She didn't even want to try to make it work. That's the worst part about it sometimes. Wanting to make a relationship work when the other person decides you're not good enough to try with, or you're just not what they want, or in Tanner's case, she just realized she needed to be single and stay that way for her career. Finally cracking that restraint whip on her parents. Honestly, good for her. But poor Tanner. He'll be okay though, everyone always ends up okay at some point.

I wanted him though, even if I couldn't have him. Everything piled against the idea, although it's oh so tempting. I almost couldn't control the anticipation, the wanting. But my ego always had to have her way. The stubbornness, the pride. She kept me in check though. I needed to focus on more important things. The tour, my sisters, my fans, my mental health, cleaning up the messes I've made. Would anyone ever forgive me for these past months I've spent in the shadows? Only time would tell I suppose. But for tonight, I sunk those demons to the back of my mind and suppressed them. Maybe they would drown and die, then I wouldn't have to worry anymore after that. But Lord willing, it never happens that way.

I leaned against the railing on the balcony, surveying the distractions. The sky dipped into stars and streaky grey clouds, a chilling wind picked up every few minutes and my nose grew cold. I hugged myself tighter against the rail in my cropped sweater and mom jeans. The small campus lights made the sky noticeable tonight, otherwise the clouds would've melted into the darkness. The practice field provided a different appeal under the moonlight.

"This party was a great idea, Violet. You sure know how to help someone feel better about an unfortunate situation," William said after another sip of his beer.

It was so very nice that things weren't awkward between William and I after making my decision leaving the fair that night. I truly valued him as a friend. His weirdly goofy and very understanding personality I treasured. One day, a girl is going to be very lucky landing her eyes on him for the first time and being completely in love without a clue as to why.

"Anything for my friends," I said with no tone. A lifeless response, something I didn't mean for it to sound like, but it's just something that happens sometimes when I lie. A lie embedded in the truth of the statement.