Empty Connections

Chapter Three

I never expected to find myself doing a journalism degree, it certainly wasn't what I envisioned for myself in my final years of high school, for a long while the only thing that I could imagine myself doing was becoming a nurse. It wasn't even really because I felt that need to help people that the lecturers would tell you about, it just felt like what I was supposed to be doing.

My school had the option to do some work experience, in an observational setting over the summer between junior and senior year, my Mum convinced me it would be a good idea because I had been so down in the weeks before.

Little did she know, things with my then boyfriend Nicholas were imploding, and I wasn't sure how to deal with things so alone. Much to my own surprise though it ended up being a good thing, because I hated everything about it, and it wasn't even how confronting it was that got me.

It was the environment, the knowledge that these people were more dedicated to their jobs than even my parents were and that was the first red flag, I have never wanted to be a workaholic the way they are. It takes too much away from all the relationships in their lives and despite how little I like to be touched, I have always known I needed that support system.

That was only the first of many red flags I found and as the list piled up, I found myself turning more and more away from the patients until I had told them I would not be returning the next day before I reached halfway through the placement.

There was one factor that I found myself enjoying, much to my own surprise and that was all the documentation that they would do, as well as writing reports on patients and keeping tabs on everything going on so that I would always be kept in the loop.

One of the nurses, her name was Jasmine, and she was the one in charge of all our allocations and the one I had to speak to about leaving. Now I never expected any of them to be mad with me, mostly because this isn't a formal placement or program and was put in place solely to bring more people into the program as they are vastly understaffed.

She was the one who gave me the idea about doing journalism, it would keep me in the loop and give me a chance to be involved in all the documenting I found the need to be in the loop with. At first, I thought it was the dumbest idea I had ever head in my life, mostly because it had nothing to do with medicine and I automatically assumed that would mean it wouldn't hold my interest.

She told me I was being stubborn, and of course at the time I didn't agree but I am more than willing to admit now that I may have been a little bit of a negative Nancy. To my own defence however, I had thought I was going to be a nurse for the better part of five years, only to walk into a hospital and hate it on sight.

During my research into what degree I wanted to apply for, I went back to her more times than either of us really expected, I kept asking her for advice on whether this seemed like a good direction for me.

My parents, as busy as they were had the tendency to just say yes to everything I suggested because me being happy was all that mattered, Jasmine had a different approach to that sentiment. There were quite a few specialties that I found that she immediately shot down, why I thought sports newscasting would interest me is something I still don't understand.

She was most definitely right about that one, and as sad as it was, focusing on the medical field even in journalism was never going to be something that I could do anything other than settle for.

I never really wanted to be on TV, which makes me laugh now considering my degree is called Journalism, Media and Communications which has meant I have made far too many videos of me pretending to read the news on whatever headline I chose.

I wasn't bad at it, maybe if I was it would be less annoying to have that option looming over my head with teachers giving me their two cents about how perfect a position that would be for me. Having my face streamed live to millions of people, only to then be uploaded to multiple platforms for anyone to see and re-watch makes anxiety bubble in my chest.