Empty Connections

Chapter Twenty-Three

Valentine's day, a holiday I thought was the stupidest occasion ever made, not because I cared about the serious commercialism that fuels the holiday. I was bitter, bitter that I didn't have the kind of feelings that everyone else around me did.

The holiday made me feel lonely for something I didn't crave, for something that used to make my skin crawl and run for the hills. Made me feel like a freak for not having them, it was the only time I let myself imagine a life with love and intimacy, the only time I let forced myself to sit with the uncomfortable feeling and hope it made me normal.

"I think I was the one with commitment issues" I whisper into the silence; the sun is shining through the corner of my curtains and producing a line of yellow along Cam's calm face.

His eyes haven't fluttered open yet, but he has pulled me close more than once and I know he hasn't been asleep for a while now. I am not a wriggler, but he always says I think too loud to let him sleep through it.

Cam loves me though, so I have decided that like every other flaw I have, he just has to deal with it.

"You think?" He murmurs, a cheeky grin pulling at his lips as blue eyes flutter open and make my day brighter.

"It was obvious, wasn't it?" I sigh, I had guessed this wasn't new information for him but that didn't make me feel any better about my discovery.

"Very" He presses a kiss to my forehead, pulling me closer so my cheek rests against his shoulder. "What made you realise that?"

"If you didn't shout your love at me last night, I would have run for the hills... even if I knew what happened wasn't your fault"

"I didn't tell you because I knew you'd run, truthfully I was going to tell you today because I thought you'd find the overly-romantic gesture funny- last night it just spilled out of me" He begins, fingers running through my short hair. "I wouldn't have let you run, at least not into the woods and away from me, sometimes it just takes an awful dare and a drunk girl for people to realise they are more scared than they first thought"

"I want to know why" I admit, drawing patterns on my stomach, "I think I need to know why things that would just scar most people, impacted me the way it did. I keep thinking about it and yeah, my parents worked a lot and maybe they should have focused on me more, but they weren't awful the way Sophie's parents were"

"There's no competition on trauma, no rule book on the way things impact you and I have met your parents... they're lovely but they're older now. Working less and focusing on family has only become more important now"

"I made an appointment to see a psychologist today, would you come with me?" I ask, not moving to face him even when he jostles me slightly. "Even just staying in the car... you wouldn't have to stay the whole time because that'd be boring"

"I'll stay the whole time" He declares, and my head tilts up to find his gaze, relief courses through my body. "Without a doubt"

"I love you"

His smile blinds me more than the sun lighting the side of his cheek, "I love you more, and shut up with the ew, that's cheesy look"

It's valentine's day and there are another two couple in our friendship groups that should be having their own, admittedly cheesy, days together. Instead, when Cam and I step back into my apartment after my session, there are eight people spread around the living room waiting for us.

Sophie, Sam and Rosie all have wide and amused grins on their faces, munching happily on the pizza sat on the coffee table. Everyone else are sending the most unimpressed looks our way, I know as well as Cam does that, they aren't mad, but their attempt has a laugh stuttering out of us.