Empty Connections

Chapter Seventeen

Cam's face has migrated into the warm space between my shoulder blades, warm breaths fanning against the scrunched material of my shirt, that has balled up and is resting against my ribs. It digs into my skin uncomfortably, but Cam's hand is tucked across my body with the blanket separating his hand from my bare skin.

Somehow even though we have both been asleep I don't wake uncomfortable or with the desire to wiggle away from his grip. We have both managed to stay within the pre-disclosed boundaries from before I broke things off.

Although, we never strayed outside of the pillow boundary before, this morning is all kinds of different and even though he is the one wrapped around me. I was the one who clung to him like a koala last night.

Speaking of last night, I am not sure the reality of what transpired between us has fully sunk in. Not just the closeness as we slept, but also the scary fact that he came looking for me last night and didn't throw me off when I kissed him.

He isn't an awful person so really, I have no right to be as surprised as I am, it is becoming increasingly easy to admit that my overreaction almost cost me whatever this is with Cam.

There's a part of me that craves the ability to roll out of his arms and get some alone time to sort through the mess of feelings battering in my chest, but I can't bring myself to disturb him. There's more than one conversation looming over our heads, but out of all of them, hearing how his Christmas ended up going has begun giving me the most anxiety.

Being with Cam feels like freefalling and never guessing whether he is falling with me or waiting at the bottom but knowing his arms will protect me from the crash either way.

If I be honest with myself then I must be brave enough to admit when I want something, I can't always predict when the pain will wrap around my heart and rob me of hope. The one thing I do know, is that when the time comes, I am starting to believe that being alone might cause more damage.

It's hard to make the mental adjustment, to go from hating every touch to craving his, and not just because I am learning that it makes me feel good, but because it feels like he is reaching into the darkest parts of me and scooping out all the ugliness.

"Your brain is whirring so hard that it disrupted my dream" Cam groans into my back, lips tickling the skin and I feel his fingers clenched over the blanket. Like he is trying to decide whether, his hands around me is the only thing keeping me from running away.

"Is that you saying, that it is overworking?" I mumble, still staring at the blank wall in front of me.

Waking up holding hands or with the pillow barrier is different to this, I have never been so wrapped up in someone... other than the brief moments of intimacy Cam and I have shared. There's a strong part of me that wants to stretch out on the mattress and sink into my own presence and the other wants to roll over and see if his blonde hair is flat across his forehead.

"Why would I insult the girl in my bed, Gorgeous?" He chuckles, hands smoothing beneath the blanket and using my hips to roll me in his direction.

The anxiety in my chest is smothered by having him unknowingly destroy the uncomfortable battle waging in my brain at this moment, maybe him saying my brain is set to loud wasn't an overexaggerating.

The only moments of quiet I get are when he has his hands on me, but then they disappear, and the thoughts come back louder than before. A carriage of, why would he want too? Playing on repeat, until my hands are pressed over my ears and the only thing, I can do is plead into the night air.

"Maybe you have no idea about romance" I shrug, the hint of a smile pulling at my lips, while a wide one stretches across his. Blue eyes bright in the morning light, more awake than I feel.