Finding Her (urban)

Chapter 10 - Dear Daddy

Is it possible to love a man you never knew? To feel strong emotions for a man who was absent for your whole life? It was funny how the man who gave me life also took it the day he walked out on me... Was I ever really alive? If life was for the living, why was I so dead inside?

We never had the chance to cross paths physically yet I swore I knew you in another realm... In my dreams perhaps. I had your eyes and your smile; I knew it was you in my visions. In that world you treated me like a princess, came to save me from evil and took me to your palace. I remember, you told me it would be okay, you did. You promised... Then I woke up from my little deception called heaven and was hit with reality, my sad and pathetic reality. Loneliness had consumed me, bitterness was chasing me, after catching my mother, I was next. I was on the run, the soles of my shoes were tattered, matching the holes in my soul, but no matter how far I'd run, the past would always be right behind me. Happiness was a figment of my imagination found in the darkness beneath my eyelids, so I never wanted to wake up.

Dad, can I even call you that? I would like to, 'cause no matter how much I try to detach myself from the monster in me, inherited from you, I realise I can't. We're stuck, like two polar opposites powered by strong electromagnetic waves of energy. The way gravity had the earth stuck in orbit, spinning around the majestic brightness of the sun. Those luminous blasts of energy lit up the world the way the thought of having you here lit up mine. But you wasn't a star, I saw through that artificial light and still, I was stuck in orbit, leaving you at the centre of my being. Maybe our shared DNA built a sacred unbreakable bond in the womb that would leave us tied together for life; an invisible string of currents flowing out of your body into mine, an unwanted cycle, an undeserved love. So I came to the conclusion that there was more than one type of bond that connected us to each other. One was earned through consistent actions of love and the other sadly was inbuilt with no off button. You don't deserve my love, and I hate that I can't hate you but I love that I loved me enough to choose me.

Papa... What was so wrong about me? I worked hard in school, tried to make mama happy and I look like you damn it!! I know I wasn't the brightest, I tried to do better, but it was hard and I had to do it alone... They made fun of me... They bruised my esteem, but not as much as you did. I wanted a dad who could show me how to face up to bullies, take me shopping, sing to me; remind me of my worth so I would know how to love a man who was good enough for me. You punked out and took the easier option... I guess it was much easier denying you had a daughter than raising one. Jail wasn't the only thing that took you away from me, your decisions did. Your decisions to forget about me, your decisions to forget about mama, and your decisions to be a fuck up. My feelings are so indecisive about you; that's how you make me feel and I know I shouldn't speak ill of the dead but... Forget it

I wish I did meet you, so I could tell you that I hated you first, maybe you would then feel my pain. That's even if you know what pain feels like. Well do you? All I have left is the vague silhouette of your memory in my thoughts, trapped on the other side of this glass wall that separates us. Whenever I touch it, you disappear so I observe from a distance and pray you can hear the words of my heart that the fear within prevents me from saying aloud.

-

A sweet, heavenly aroma filled my nostrils, taking me out of my deep slumber. My body arose instinctively as my nostrils flared, greedily breathing in the heavenly scented air. I was convinced I was in for a special breakfast, but tangled in the air, I could smell a familiar Armani fragrance; he was here. I refused to open my eyes and look at this beautiful creature because I knew all the rational anger I had for him would dissipate immediately and adoration would come swooping in to take its place. Adoration or obsession, the difference in their definitions had blurred.

I accepted that together we'd never be normal and we'd probably eat away at each other's existence 'til we were just dots on this massive globe but his imperfections only heightened my attraction for him. Knowing that I wasn't the only one with a past and a closet full of mistakes made me feel more comfortable around him. I knew his closet held a good amount of skeletons. My father was there, stuck in some sort of spiritual limbo with probably not enough good deeds to pass on to the good side of the afterlife, if that even exists. The fact that he could never come back left a sour taste in my mouth, prompting questions of what it would be like if I had a father figure... If I could love a man with all my heart, it would probably be him; maybe he would have loved me back and things wouldn't be so rough. Who am I kidding, I already knew it wouldn't be that way.

Clearing my thoughts, I reluctantly opened my eyes to see two golden globes staring at me intently.

'Good Morning,' Terrence chirped, leaving the tray of what looked like to be eggs, bacon, grits and cheese on the small table beside the bed. I tilted my head, confused at his bright demeanour, he was acting as if that argument didn't happen yesterday, as if he didn't kill my father. 'Look I'm sorry.'

I remained quiet; he was always sorry. I wish my father could remind me of my worth so I would know how to love a man who was good enough for me.

'I'm not good with apologies,' He chuckled to himself before plopping himself on the bed. I shuffled my feet in the opposite direction, allowing him room to adjust his position. 'I... I was wrong, completely wrong. You deserve so much more than this.' I know.

He immediately jumped back up from his position, hanging his head low with shame. Heading for the door, he said, 'Enjoy your morning.'

I whispered, 'Mourning, let me mourn.'

Chapter 10 is out, I guess.. I'll be updating much slower than usual and try my best to not quit again.. sorry about that! Enjoy xxx

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