All My Courageous Lies

Panic at the Shit Show

I parked my car a house down from where the party clearly was. Tons of cars were packed into the driveway and backyard. It was so obvious that I was surprised they could get away with such a night. A few people I remembered from school were in the backyard surrounding a bonfire. There were a few smaller groups standing and talking in random spots all over the yard.    
     I took a deep breath. I knew I wanted this, but it really was out of my comfort zone. So I sat there, letting the curiosity overcome the worry, enticing me to open my door, lock my car and head up, past the small groups and through back door.

It wasn't at all what I had hoped. Plain old drunk teens and pseudo-adults littered a plain old house, drenched in the dingy yellow light of old bulbs. I could feel my body deflate at the crowded sight. I tried to slide my way around the kitchen, only to find more people in the living room, stacked on top of furniture and in some cases each other. It looked like it was almost impossible to move, at least without touching tons of people in the process.

I took it all in, considering just turning around and leaving. This wasn't me, nothing about getting drunk and being surrounded by strangers sounded fun at all. Ayden had a lot of explaining to do. I hadn't even taken a step past the kitchen island when a guy I barely recognized stood directly in front of me. His brown hair looked gold under the light, and his broad shoulders set up the rest of his toned body to block my vision of the living room chaos. Had he not been so close, I probably would've been thankful.     "Well hello there. And welcome! I don't remember inviting you."     I opened my mouth to speak, but I didn't know what to say.      "You're Gavin's girl, right?"

This time, his stammers had my full attention. "I'm sorry, what?" It was the most pissed off tone I could muster.

"Oh, right."  His chuckle sounded more like hiccups. "Were Gavin's girl." My jaw clenched at his words. I hadn't realized or even thought about how people must've seen me after that summer. And as much as I wanted to deny it, he wasn't wrong. "Were you looking for him?"

"No," I answered too fast. It must've peaked his interest.

A wicked, sloppy smile crossed his pale face. "Ya know, I was the one who taught Gavin everything he knows."

The insinuation made me laugh. "Oh really?" I hoped he'd say more dumb things. Instead he just grew in confidence.

"Oh yeah, baby. If you're looking to upgrade, I know someone who'd love to own that ass for a few months."

The humor quickly flooded from my face, and I could feel fear creeping up my throat. "I really don't want that." I forced my voice to be as low and strong as I could. I even tried backing away from him, but I just kept running in to people behind me.

"Awww, don 't say that baby. Here, let me show you a good time." I saw him lean towards me, and lift an arm up above my head. I hated myself. I did it again. And I worked so hard just to be right back in the same spot. In that moment, I would've given anything to have Ayden around. It almost made sense in my head for him to just randomly be there, protecting me like he all but promised he would. But I did it to myself. All of it.

And even though I knew it was impossible, for a split second I thought I'd gotten my wish. I closed my eyes when he leaned in but he never touched me. Instead I heard a familiar voice shout, a few muffled blows, and people yelling for a fight.

I opened my eyes to see a very straight faced Gavin looking over the drunk stranger, who was now curled up on the floor. He fixed his shirt before he looked at me. His expression softened, and his hand lightly wrapped around my wrist. "Are you okay?" He looked deep into my eyes, giving me more attention than he ever did the year before. I nodded, not really able to speak. The fear was easing up on my chest, but it still had hold of my throat. "Do you want to go get some air?"