All My Courageous Lies

Night Life

The air was still so heavy that night. Even the way the blue sky fell into the powder of pink and orange clouds tugged on my chest. But there was still nothing. My body was exhausted, my mind was stuck in a permanent caffeine buzz, and my fingertips had been numb for months. I hoped an all night bonfire would bring some sort of feeling back. But as I stared up at that beautiful sky, wishing I could feel something for it, I realized just how hopeless I really was. But I still drove to the beach. Something in me wanted so bad to live, that I'd live for the people around me — at least to the point that they wouldn't have to worry. 

    And it appeared to be working. I arrived late, mostly to avoid intimate conversations as much as possible. So it made sense to see the party in full swing. A sick feeling hit me low in the gut. I couldn't take a single step forward, but everyone else lived on all around me. I sat there, going numb from over thinking when a loud knock woke me up. A concerned red head named Marie looked at me from the other side of my driver's side window. "Are you okay?"

    I closed my eyes, shook my head and opened the door. "Yeah. Sorry, I didn't know if that was us or not."

    "Yeah," she sighed. "It looks like Nichole has a lot more partiers than friends."

    I gave her a half smile and got out of the car to walk up there with her. I paid close attention to her this time, trying to remember every detail of my best friend. Her freckles gave her ivory skin a jolt of life like confetti. I gave her a small, slightly jealous smile. "You're pretty late. Did your parents give you shit for coming?"

    "No," I sighed. "I actually haven't seen them since I got back. They've been at work and I've been setting back up."

    "That's weird," she almost scoffed. 

    I just shrugged, trying to match my strides with her converse steps. "But enough about me, how have you been?! How're you and Chaz?" The questions did their job, sending her into a frenzy of stories, giving me a chance to regain my mental footing.

   We were sat on the same log forever, just catching up. It felt good to just be there listening to someone else's thoughts. Mars had a new boyfriend named Chaz — and a serious one from the sound of it. Her stories of him were so cute and hopeful. She deserved that though; with everything going on with her mom. Chaz brought her a second purpose in life — a life after her loss. I was happy for her. 

    It was an hour and a half before we saw the brunette birthday girl. And while I was super excited to see Nichole, she was of course followed by her not-so-humble friends. There was a reason Marie didn't want to come alone. Nikki was great, but her old high school friends sucked.

    "Hey! I'm so glad you two made it!"

    I smiled at her as I dug the money for her out of my purse. "Happy Birthday Nikki." I handed it to her as sly and secretive as I could. I didn't want her friends finding out. And she seemed to think the same. I watched the dark pink of her lips curl into a half smile before she mouthed 'thank you', and shoved the cash into her mini shorts before turning back around. 

    A few of us sat around the fire chatting in their small groups. At first I had Nikki going on about nursing school and how she was switching to a state university to do vet school instead. She said she realized how much she hated people. But soon after, Nikki and Mars were in their own little conversation, which gave me some time to people watch. I wasn't exactly looking for Gavin, I was just checking the perimeter for him. I knew he'd be there eventually, even if he wasn't invited. Part of his charm was being plugged in. I just needed to know when to disappear. 

    But, I found someone else instead. Ayden was gliding his way through the crowd, towing a surprise behind him. He always seemed in his element, comfortable with anyone he ran into. But Turner was a different story.