All My Courageous Lies

Moon in Scorpio

It was a wreck. Every piece of it. Clothes thrown around and flung like hate, and posters splattered against the wall like a Picasso. Hell, it was a crime scene; and it wasn't just the room. My bag fell to the floor, piling itself with the rest of the metaphors and memories lobbed around my old room - home. My phone buzzed against my side, distracting me from my disgusted study of chaos.

It was Gavin. I read it, and read it over again. Something made it so hard to comprehend the simplicity across my screen. I looked up, following flashes of the memories I shared with him, most from last summer. The care-free spirit they held... the stupidity. I wanted it back. But even if I'd respond to that same 2 a.m. text, even if I made those same decisions over and over again, I'd never get that same feeling. Instead of feeling free, the thoughts just made me feel meaningless.
I let the phone fall to my bed as I sighed and decided that it was finally time to fix my room for the summer. But before I could unpack, I had to do something with that sporadic wall.

Hours of ripping and careful untaping later, I had the closest to bare walls I've had in that room since we'd moved in. I stared at it, remembering how important it was for me to make my mark on those walls the first night in the house. With a sigh, I looked at the pile of posters I'd decided to keep, trying to figure out where best to put them. I rolled up the band posters, and leaned them against a wall in my closet before sneaking downstairs to get the tape and hanging strips.

I hung my bulletin board over my desk (original, I know) and the last poster, a print of a foggy mountain scene with the word 'breathe' written in a causal yet fancy, hand-lettered brush font, ended up on the wall to the right of my bed. No matter what I read on the internet and help forums, I knew I couldn't survive with purely blank walls. Finally, feeling the freshness of a clean room I unpacked my last batch of clothes from my dorm and plopped myself on my bed.

The phone sat smug on my covers, as if it hadn't been touched. Even after all that clearing away, I still couldn't get rid of that pressing feeling on my chest. I wanted to be numb again. But even more importantly, I didn't want a single soul to know I'd changed. I couldn't imagine how'd they look at me; I'd probably make so many of them uncomfortable. So I shoved it down with a gulp, and closed my eyes. I tried my hardest to force out the girl I liked to picture myself as. She was strong, sassy, funny; she didn't need anyone else to define her because she was so mysterious no one could find the right words. I wanted so bad to be her. So instead, I just put on her mask, and texted Gavin back. It felt like seconds before I got a response, even though the time stamps said it'd been another three hours.

He wanted to hang out. I knew I needed to find a way out. Something else, something more pressing needed to appear.
It'd been a single day, but I already needed it - the high I felt when I was with Ayden, the easy way I just forgot and laughed. I needed the warmth of his comfortable friendship; the way I didn't have to be anything particular with him. Maybe I'd just see what he's doing tonight ...

So, with a sigh, I grabbed my phone, then my hidden cigarettes. If I was going to act as if nothing happened to me, I'd need to burn away just a little more of that horrible memory. Honestly, I thought if I could just get numb enough, and then go out and do something the old me enjoyed, maybe I'd get myself back.