All My Courageous Lies

Brick by Broken Brick

I couldn't sleep – but I couldn't really feel either. I didn't know what to think or what was real. To any normal person, Ayden hadn't done anything wrong.

But, to my broken ass, he'd betrayed the deepest trust I'd held onto.

I relied on him – to keep my mood up, to help me sleep, to remind me to laugh, to keep my head from going dark. I let him touch me, let him hold me, let him save me – all because I trusted him to never want me.

And with a single shred of a doubt in him, it all changed. Every word, every smile - it all turned sleazy. The memory of every touch made my stomach flip. It all felt like a lie, no matter how bad I didn't want it to be.

So, I betrayed him too. As much as it felt like I had to, I still felt so horrible. I hated running to Gavin for protection, but at least I knew where I stood with him.

Being with Gavin was like being back at University. We were always with others, out in public, and I was always pretending. I used his friends as a shield, not just from Ayden, but from the world. Looking social was the best defense against any extrovert who'd take pity on me and try to take me in. Gavin was a pretty good shield himself. His anger and jealousy kept his friends from getting too close, or even talking to me for that matter. And constantly being touched by him whenever someone's eyes lingered too long taught me how to control my breathing.

The first time he marked his territory I almost cried. It caught me off guard, and when he clamped his arm around my shoulder I felt trapped. It took every ounce of concentration to hold back my whimper. All I could see when I shut my eyes was Ayden. And it took every ounce of pain that night to burn away all the twisted feelings of guilt.

But three days later, and I'd gotten better. I'd taught myself to hold my breath, and slowly let go.

Besides, he really wasn't bad. He'd forced me out of my room, and he left me alone in the dark. As much as I feared it before, I found it easier to pretend all day if I could wallow alone all night. That, and let myself go numb.

I was right back where I was on campus – numb and lonely – functioning just enough. But I knew I'd have to go back to work eventually.

I peeled my eyes off their spot on the wall before I remembered to take a breath. My morning routine started with zoning out to review my poor life decisions, looking around my bedroom to readjust to my new reality again, sigh, and then get that light headed feeling from standing up too fast. A darkly lit shower would always help my headache, and then I'd throw on any light long sleeve available, grab my cigarettes and my purse, and head off to wherever I'd spend the day hiding.

But, for the first time in a week, I didn't go straight to Gavin's. Instead, I forced myself to head to the Espresso Stop.

The drive felt shorter than normal, but maybe that was the dread. I knew the guilt trip I was walking into after calling off my last three shifts; plus I was so worried I'd run into him. Still, that morning, something told me to go.

Luckily, his truck wasn't in the parking lot, and neither was Tess's. Maybe I had a little intuition left after all. I quickly trudged my way in, feeling a bit heavier with each step. By the time I was at the door, I had to take in a long breath and reset.

I walked in and felt every eye of the newer crew land on me. I recognized them all from shift hand offs, but I hadn't worked with any of them but one – Liam. The fluffy blonde was the only one who approached me, cluelessly with a cheerful attitude.

"Hey Ashley!" I'd gotten used to biting my tongue when my name was called – only took half the week. "Uhm... Ayden's not here."

My hard jaw weakened, and my eyes hit the floor. It was the first time I'd heard his actual name said out loud. I shook my head, desperate to bring my eyes up off the tile. "No- I- I just came for the schedule."