A Court of Water and Shadow

24

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TW: Mention of rape.
If you would like to skip, don't read the bold words.
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I can breathe. I can do this. I am strong. I did what I had to do in order to survive.

As Azriel's feet touch the balcony of the House of Wind, a knot tightens deep inside of me and every emotion in the book builds and threatens to break free.

I can breathe.

He sets me down as Rhys and Mor land with another female. I immediately lock eyes with Mor, my best friend, and silent tears start to escape me. She takes two hesitant steps towards me, then I watch as she crumples and runs the rest of the way, crushing me in a tight hug. I hug her back with the same intensity as my tears fall harder.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She whispers through sobs, her voice cracking.

I don't respond, but when I feel a hand on my shoulder I break away from the hug. Rhys is there, his expression unreadable. "Evelyn—"

"Eve." I cut him off as a wave of nausea and prickling fear runs through me.

He called me that. With his serpent-like attitude and deceitful eyes. His crooning voice and slimy touch. He would say my name like a prayer—over and over until I was real for him.

Rhys removed his hand from my shoulder. "Eve...this is my mate, Feyre."

My eyes widened as my gaze snapped to the unfamiliar female standing with us. I didn't know what to say to the female who brought so much destruction to Hybern, the old king, and Amarantha. She was a goddess to me—standing there with her Illyrian leathers and plaited hair. She was a damn goddess.

She smiled shyly at me, her blue-gray eyes sparkling in the moonlight. "It's nice to finally meet you."

"You." My cheeks reddened once I realized I spoke and it didn't make a whole lot of sense. I cleared my throat and took a breath. "Sorry, it's nice you meet you too."

Her smile widened, making me feel somewhat at ease. Rhys grinned at me and gestured to the doors. "Shall we? I believe there's an Illyrian in there that wants to see you."

Cassian. The male that had become an older brother to me. I missed him and his humor immensely. I slowly nodded my head at Rhys as he moved to open the door. Stealing one last glance back at Azriel, I found him staring at me with an unreadable expression. I smiled at that—at how normal that used to be for me.

I can do this.

Frank came around and rested on my shoulder as we entered the house. I was immediately greeted with booming laughter coming from the dining room. The laughter stirred excitement in me, and I almost cried at the feeling. Mor carefully took my hand as we entered the dining room. Immediately conversation froze and heads turned in my direction. I felt nauseous being the center of attention, but it was quickly over when Cassian stumbled out of his seat and picked me up in a tight hug.

When he released me, his hands landed on my shoulders and his smile was bigger than I thought possible. "Evel—" He spared one glance to Rhys, then looked back to me. "Eve freaking Hart. I'm glad you're safe."

Safe. Sure...I'm safe. The people I killed weren't and they were more deserving of safety than me.

Cassian turned his body and took one hand off of my shoulder to gesture to the rest of the table. My lips parted in shock as my eyes locked with Emerie's. Cassian started introductions anyway. "This is my mate, Nesta." A strong looking female with an intense gaze smiled at me in greeting. I nodded, remembering how she was the one to kill the old queen. "This is their third sister, Elain." The gentle-looking one gave me a soft smile before her eyes glanced to Frank. She looked...well, she looked as happy and free as I once did. "And you know Emerie."

The Illyrian female stood out of her chair and took two steps towards me. Then, she bowed in front of me. "I'm glad you're back Eve."

"You're...free." I spoke with wonder.

She smiled at me and nodded. "I think we all have a lot of catching up to do. Let's sit and eat." Emerie gestured to the table, then everyone agreed and took their places.

I sat between Azriel and Cassian as dinner appeared magically on the table. I noticed the empty chair and my gut sank at the memory of Amren and how she sacrificed herself to save Prythian. She was a hero. That's what hero's do. I'm just a coward who—

You are not and will never be a coward. Rhys spoke with a warning tone inside of my head.

My eyes widened slightly as I threw my mental shields back up, then turned to look at him with a small frown.

When I felt him tapping against my shield again, I allowed him a small opening. I'm serious Eve. You kept yourself alive. That's not cowardly at all considering how brutal Hybern is.

I nodded in acceptance as everyone began eating and talking around me.

I am strong.

Emerie started with her story about how her father died and she became a Valkyrie. She told me how Nesta started the group and their other friend, Gwyn, helped get other Priestesses to join. I was in awe of their accomplishments the entire dinner, but when a joke was made about Nesta beheading Fae as her preferred method of killing, my jaw dropped.

"You beheaded the King?" I asked, my voice shaking.

Laugher ended abruptly at my clarifying question. Nesta's face dropped to neutrality as she started back at me. "I did."

"You killed him." I spoke, more to myself than to everyone else. Frank swirled down my arm and threaded through my fingers.

"Elain and I did." Nesta responded, even though it wasn't a question. I was grateful she did though, because shock ran through me again at the thought of the other Archeron killing the king. Not that she couldn't do it, any female can do what they set their mind to, it's just that the three Archeron sisters have dramatically changed Prythian...for the better.

And what had I done? Killed innocent lives in order to stay alive. Lived in constant fear of being attacked or raped in my cell. Attended balls when I could have ran from that horrible kingdom. I changed thousands of Fae lives in a bad way.

I did what I had to do in order to survive.

Bullshit.

I could have refused. I could have suffered through the punishments. I could have tried to kill Amarantha and the King.

The horrifying truth is that I didn't do enough to stop them. I am the villain in the eyes of Hybern's people. I am the King's Assassin. I don't belong to the Night Court or even the Summer Court.

I belong to Hybern. To Zagra.

I deserve to rot on that island and suffer through the killings for the rest of eternity. I don't deserve to sit here with heroes and good people. I don't deserve this safety.

I can't breathe. I can't do this. I'm not strong. There was no reason for me to do what I did.

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A/N

Hey everyone! I'm feeling better today :)

I'm going to take it day by day. I have an appointment tomorrow so I have no clue how much pain I'll be in after that.

On another note: Eve is officially back!! How do you think her relationship with Elain will be?

Also, Amren is not actually dead in my fic. She's currently babysitting 😌

I hope you're all staying healthy :)

-Em