𝐀𝐎𝐓 𝐗 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑 | 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐈𝐎𝐑𝐒

✰ 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗆 𝖺𝗌 𝖽𝖺𝖽𝖽𝗂𝖾𝗌 🥵😩

Not as actual fathers, I just wanted to roast my faves about the oddly specific, domestic, old man shit we know they all do ;)

Bertholdt
-SUCH a dad
-Drives all of his friends around in his ANCIENT minivan
-There's no AC, or seatbelts, and the windows roll down with a hand crank
-He'll pack up the minivan to take you camping for the weekend
-Not in a cabin or anything, like in a tent in the woods
-"We don't need a cabin, y/n! If I wanted to sleep indoors I'd get a hotel. This is REAL camping."
-He's a pushover for you, though, and he'll compromise by taking the back seats out of the van before you leave so you can put your sleeping bags back there if it rains, or gets too cold, or you <s>think</s> see a bear
-At least he brings hotdogs, beer, and stuff to make s'mores instead of making you fish for dinner
-But he still insists on cooking over a fire
-He also won't bring skewers for the hotdogs and marshmallows, he insists you use sticks from the woods that he whittles down
-Goes to SmartCuts for their $15.95 Adult Haircut
-Sometimes he'll go to the barber's for his haircuts as a treat
-He'll get a straight razor shave there, too, to pamper himself 🥺
-He loves getting his hair cut, it's like an event for him
-While we're taking about his hair, he also uses the 5-in-1
-He will also try to ruffle your hair, adorable
-On the weekends he'll watch golf in the living room
-Not in a chair, though, like standing in the middle of the living room with his legs spread and arms crossed
-He also wears his tennis shoes indoors at all times
-Dad jeans.
-They do nothing for his ass, which is a real shame because he actually has a nice ass
-And he's so tall he's always flooding, please buy some decent fitting pants I'm BEGGING YOU
-Ass crack whenever he bends over, again, his pants just do not fit. I don't think he has ever owned a single pair of well fitting pants in his life
-He'll wear polo shirts too, and he always tucks them in
-He thinks he dresses nice, though, and he really does try
-He's got dedicated shirts for going out with friends, for getting his hair cut, for going to the store, for date nights...
-He also wears matching pajama sets, and slippers <s>and a sleeping hat in the winter</s>
-He eats gross old man candy, like sugar free coffee flavored Werther's
-He also never finishes a piece of hard candy at one time, he'll suck on it for a little bit and then just put it back in his pocket for later 🤢
-NEVER accept candy from this man, it's always unwrapped and has 100% already been in his mouth
-Even if he insists it hasn't been, that it just came unwrapped in his pocket. It has, and he's just forgotten.
-He also has chronic coffee breath, I'm so sorry
-No matter how much he brushes his teeth, he just always has coffee breath
-It's probably the coffee flavored Werther's
-And all of the black coffee he drinks
-Literally, he drinks an entire pot in the morning before work, and then drinks MORE throughout the day at work
-It's probably coming out of his pores by now
-Speaking of brushing his teeth, he does it so much
-I know that doesn't sound like a bad thing, but it's just about compulsive and it's so embarrassing
-Like after every meal he whips out a toothbrush, even when he's in public
-At least he does it in the bathroom??
-He carries a shaving bag with him that has those little travel sized toothbrushes, and a roll of floss, and a travel sized bottle of mouthwash
-Yes he DOES have a wallet phone case, how did you know?
-Collects stamps and/or coins
-They're not worth anything, he just likes them
-He also collects pre-1982 copper pennies
-They ALSO aren't worth anything on their own, AND it's illegal to destroy legal tender (so he can't even melt them down for the raw copper), but he still has buckets and buckets of copper pennies in the garage that he won't spend
-He'll drive you around to yard sales on the weekends and you'll fill up his minivan with all of the things you find
-Sometimes he'll bring things home to fix but he never gets around to it so your shed is just filled with junk that he won't let you throw out
-You two used to watch Antiques Roadshow and American Pickers together but now he acts like he's ON those shows so it's banned from your house 💀
-Please why is he such a hoarder??
-Sometimes he'll try to keep old newspapers, or magazines, or fucking TV GUIDES, but you shut that shit down right away
-<s>Or throw them out when he's not looking</s>
-But sometimes he'll find something he knows you'll like, like an antique armoire, and then you'd better believe he'll be out in the garage every weekend working on it (and telling you the garage is off limits for you for like a month) to surprise you.
-It's really sweet, and you knows does it because he loves you
-So, in the end, it's worth not being able to step one foot into your shed without knocking something over