I Hate Me, Too | Han Seojun

8

"Is that really Han Seojun?"

"Is he really back?"

"Wow, it's been so long-"

"Four months."

"He doesn't look well."

I let out a frustrated sigh as I continue to walk down the halls. My hand reaches to open the door to the classroom, as I do, people stop talking with one another and turn to look at me. Some gasp.

"Han Seojun, is that really you?" Someone asks.

I roll my eyes and clear my throat. I close the door behind me and make my way over to my seat. I set my bag down harshly as I slide back the chair, sitting down.

"Who else would it be?" I say in an uninterested tone.

I try to put my attention towards getting my things organized. I hear footsteps approach me.

"Han Seojun, are you sure you're ready to be back?" I hear a familiar voice ask.

I look up to meet eye contact with Suho.

"I had to come back someday," I say, getting some more things out of my bag before setting it to my side. I cross my arms and sit back, looking back at him. "Today is just that day." I say, trying to sound confident.

"Hello class." The teacher says as he walks in.

"Hello." Everyone says in unison.

"Oh, Han Seojun, you're back."

I blink a few times, putting a fake smile on my face. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Suho looking at me. I nod my head.

"Yeah. I'm back."

-

"What should we have for lunch?"

"Whatever they have on the menu, idiot."

Two guys walk past me in the bathroom as I turn on the faucet to wash my hands.

"Idiot?" One of the guy's asks as he turns to his friend, offended. The friend laughs awkwardly before sprinting off. "Hey! Come back here!" He chases after him.

I chuckle to myself, feeling a rush of excitement that I laughed. It's been a while since I laughed. I smile to myself. I turn off the faucet and shake my hands in the sink. One of the stall doors begins to open, slowly, causing the hinges to creek. I stop, standing there feeling nervous. I gulp, afraid to turn around. My eyes slowly drift up to look in the mirror. Nothing. I look back at my hands and let out a sigh of relief.

"You just love to scare yourself, huh?" I ask myself.

I smile again and straighten the edges of my blazer, looking back up. I see Yusoi in the reflection of the mirror, standing in the stall that just opened. I let out a shocked scream as I turn around, my hands desperately gripping the edge of the sink. My eyes meet with hers. She scoffs and smirks.

"Han Seo-jun." She says, dragging out each syllable of my name. My eyes stay glued to her figure as she slowly, but confidently, walks over to the hand dryers. She looks at her hands, as though she's not impressed with her nails. She looks back at me and crosses her arms. I try to stand up straight, but my foot slips on some water, causing me to fall on my butt. She laughs. "You haven't changed, still clumsy like before. Isn't that what got you hit by a car, your clumsiness?" She makes her way over to me, I try and back up on the floor. She smiles in satisfaction at my state. She stands up, a look of clarity washing over her face. "Oh, that's right," she says while snapping her fingers, "you got hit by a car because of your sympathy towards Suho. You were worried about him, right? So you chased after him into the street and BAM!" She says, smacking her hands together. I flinch. "You get hit by a car alongside him." She begins to clap. "A hero: Han Seojun." She looks at me in amazement. Then, her expression falls. She stops clapping her hands and crouches down to my level. "Where was that symapthy when you decided to use me? Huh? Where did all of your good morals go when it came to me?" She asks, her tone and face looks as though she's hurt. I look away from her. "Hey, look at me." She says, annoyed. I close my eyes.

"You're not real. You're dead." I repeat quietly.

"Look at me!" She says, louder.

"You're not real! You're dead!" I yell back.

I feel hands grab my face. I open my eyes, praying it's anyone else. But, it's not. It was Yusoi. She looks me in the eyes, almost as though she sees nothing but rage. Her face contorts into an expression of pure hatred and anger.

"I told you to look at me!" She yells. "What will it take for you to look at me!" Tears begin to glide down my cheeks. She looks at them, momentarily, before letting go of my face and wrapping her hands around my neck. I bring my hands up to hers, trying to tear them off of me. "Even when I was alive, you didn't have eyes for me. Only Jugyeong. And now? Now, you're trying to move on? What kind of nonsense is that!" She yells, tears now falling from her eyes. She shakes me, her grip becoming tighter. I try to speak, but all that comes from my mouth is gasps. "I won't let you. I won't let you!" She lets go of my neck. I fall onto my back, my hands reaching my neck as I try to rub it. I gasp for air. Yusoi straddles me, grabbing my shirt and bringing me to look at her. "You're right, Han Seojun, I am dead. But why is that? Huh? Why am I dead? Answer. Answer me right now!" She says, shaking me back and forth.

I begin to sob as she shakes me, harder and harder.

"Because of me!" I yell. The shaking stops, she lets go of me. I fall back onto my back. I feel her get off of me. My sobs become harsher.

"That's right." I hear her say. I open my eyes as I try to stand on my shaky legs. I grab onto the wall for support. I look back at her. I sniffle a few times as I wipe my face with the back of my hand. "I'm dead because of you and yet you have the audacity to try and move on?" She shakes her head vigorously. "I won't let you do that. Do you not feel guilty? Is that it? Do you think just because no one knows I saw you that day, that you're not to blame? Think again, Han Seojun. Think! You killed someone who finally got a second chance at living. Do you understand? Come to terms with what you did. Tell them what you did. You're not innocent. Don't begin to live a lie."

I close my eyes, screaming at her.

"What the- Han Seojun!" Someone yells. I open my eyes and stop screaming. Yusoi was gone. I turn to see Cho Rong looking at me, a few of my other friends behind him. "You're the one whos making all the noise-? Hey, what happened? Why are you crying?"

"I'm not." I say, frustrated.

I walk over to the door and push past him and the others. I ignore people's stares and make my way back to class. "Tell them what you did"? Tell them what I did? I stop walking. "What more do you want from me!" I yell.

"Oh my- he scared me."

"Jeez, Han Seojun is scarier than ever."

I run my hands through my hair and enter the classroom. I get to my seat, sitting and resting my head on my arms. I close my eyes as I try to catch my breath.

I'm sorry, Yusoi. I'm so sorry.