I Hate Me, Too | Han Seojun

10

"Night Seojun." Gowoon says, closing my door softly behind her.

"Night." I yell out to her.

I pull back the comforter on my bed, sitting and turning off the lap on my nightstand. I lay down, closing my eyes. I imagine the picture that I took with Jugyeong earlier. Her face fades out, Yusoi's replacing it. I open my eyes and sigh. I still miss you. I hear a thud from outside of my room and assume it was either my mom or Gowoon. I close my eyes again, trying to fall asleep. I feel my body become heavy as my breathing slows. All I see is Yusoi. All I see is her smile. It's odd, really. Honestly, I haven't reminisced on nice memories about her, only bad ones. It was nice, seeing her smile. Remembering her voice, her laugh, how her hand felt in mine. How her lips felt on mine. I smile to myself. I hear another thud, my heartbeat racing for a few seconds. I open my eyes, now being awake and look at my door. I swear, Gowoon is too clumsy for her own good. If I said that to her face, she would probably tell me that I was the one who got hit by a car. I would have rolled my eyes. Just like how I did now, even at the thought of her saying it to me.

I lay back down, now looking at the ceiling. I feel my eyes become heavy, begging for me to let them close.

"You know," I hear someone say next to me. My eyes shoot back open and I turn my head to my side. Yusoi? I hold my breath. No, not again. "I never had any idea really on what I wanted to be when I grew up. I never really gave it any thought since I knew I was going to die." She says. My breathing fastens. She turns her head to look at me. "When I went back to school, I thought about it for a little bit. I was excited, I hadn't been excited in a long time...well, that's a lie, I was pretty excited when you wrote your number on my hand."

I sit up, getting out of my bed. I back up into my wardrobe, my hand gripping the edge of it.

"Please, I-"

"If you say you moved on one more time, I will scream." She says, cutting me off. I shut my mouth. "Long time no see." She says, sitting up. She crosses her legs. "I haven't seen you in a few months. Weird how once you stop coming to visit me and try to suppress the guilt you so obviously deserve to feel, you stop having nightmares; you stop seeing me." I meet her eyes, feeling as though she has this force making me look at her. "I'm not as angry at you as I was before. I also have had the time for some "self reflection"." She says, making air quotes. She uncrosses her legs, making her way off of my bed and walks over to me. I try to push myself further back, but I couldn't move any further. "What I've realized is that the only reason I'm still here is because you haven't done what you need to do." I raise my eyebrow.

"What?" I manage to say.

"I know, crazy." She says, backing up and sitting on the edge of my bed. "You do know I'm not actually here, right?" She asks. I feel my eyes go wide. She rolls hers. "Seojun, have you ever really thought to wonder why you were seeing me?"

I stand there, feeling my mind race with ideas. I look at the floor, trying to figure it out. I look back at her, clarity rushing over me.

"It's guilt, isn't it?" I say, quietly.

She nods her head.

"Ding, ding, ding!" She says excitedly. "I told you Seojun, you need to tell Jugyeong you saw me that day. You know she has been blaming herself, drove herself near insanity all to try and figure out why I did what I did. You are the one continuing to drag things on. You are the one causing me to be here."

I let go of the dresser, running my hands through my hair.

"I... I don't think I can." I say to her.

She rolls her eyes.

"That's not my problem, Seojun. No matter how much you think you can't, you know deep down that you have to." She stands up. "Until you do, neither of us will rest."

I rub my hands on my face. I let out a groan as I look back at where Yusoi was standing, only she was no longer there.

-

Two Years Later

"You know, you might have a drinking problem." I say to Jugyeong as I sling her arm over my shoulders, holding her waist as she stumbles along the street.

She laughs and looks at me, her cheeks tinted pink.

"Nooooooo." She giggles out. "I'm fine." She slurs.

I roll my eyes.

"I get you're not over Suho since he left, but you seriously need to start drinking at home. I hate having to come get you, it's cold outside." I whine.

She shakes her head and snatches her arm off of my shoulders.

"Then go home!" She yells. She begins to stumble away from me and I scoff.

"You're annoying, you know that?" I yell out to her.

I roll my eyes and follow her. She walks down a step, tripping a little, giving up, and then sitting down. I sit beside her as she lets out a contempt sigh.

"I wish Suho was here." She says sadly.

I look over to her and see a tear sliding down her cheek. I hesitate debating whether or not to wipe it for her, but she does it quickly with her hand. I clear my throat.

"Yeah, I know you do." I say.

I open my mouth to say something else, but she begins to sob. I look at her, unsure of what to do.

"I miss Yusoi." She says through her tears. I look down at my hands. "She would have been here and made sure that I didn't think about Suho. She would have made sure I was happy." She continues. I look back at her. I slowly take her hand into mine, giving it a squeeze. She looks at me, her eyes already becoming red and puffy. "I still think about her everyday. I keep hoping she'll walk through my bedroom door and give me a hug." She takes her hand away from mine, she stands up, now becoming angry. "It makes me so mad not knowing why she died. She promised she would never leave me again!" She looks up at the nighttime sky. "You're a liar, you know that! I hate you!" She yells. She stumbles back a bit, trying to catch her breath.

I clench my fists, feeling worse every second I look at her. "...you need to tell Jugyeong you saw me that day... until you do, neither of us will rest." I let out a shaky breath.

"Jugyeong." I say, trying to make sure she hears me over her loud sobs.

She looks at me, sniffling.

"What?" She asks.

"I-" I don't think I can do this. I shake my head. "Never mind." I say under my breath.

She looks back at the sky.

"I thought about it, you know." She says quietly, like she forgot I was next to her and she was now talking to herself.

"About what?" I ask.

"Killing myself." She says emotionless.

My eyes go wide.

"Hey, Jugyeong-"

"I can't live with it anymore. I can't live with the thought of knowing I could have stopped her that day. I could have done something."

"Jugyeong-"

"Did I kill her? Did I kill my best friend?"

"Jugyeong-" I say, now getting irritated.

"Suho isn't here to save me anymore, no one is." She says, looking down.

"Lim Jugyeong!" I yell. She looks at me, startled and surprised that I was there with her. Tears begin to fall down my face. I let out and take in deep breaths. "I saw her." I say.

She raises her eyebrow with an expression on her face that makes it seem like she's trying to process what I was saying.

"What?" She asks.

"I saw her, that day." I say, feeling like I was going to pass out from the nerves.

Her eyes widen.

"W-what?" She asks again.

"I talked to her that day, Jugyeong. I was the last one to see her alive." I hesitate. Jugyeong looks at me, shocked. I let out one last deep breath. "I'm the one who killed her."