I Hate Me, Too | Han Seojun

9

"Okay, okay. Everyone gather around for one last picture."

"Mr. Han." some kid groaned out.

The others groaned in unison, some letting out small chuckles, but all still having a smile on their faces.

"This will be the last one, I promise, class." Mr. Han says with a small, proud smile on his face.

We all stand beside one another as Mr. Han points a small digital camera at us, taking a picture. Everyone begins to talk, the sound of their voices overlapping one another and the crinkle of bouquet wrappers fill my ears. I sigh, looking over at Jugyeong. She's smiling, talking to Soo-ah, both gushing over how exciting it is to be finally graduating. She glances over at me and her smile falls a little, going back to how it was when she resumes her conversation with Soo-ah. I walk over to them, Suho approaching them at the same time.

"This is so exciting! You know, when I didn't show up for one of the test days, I thought I was going to fail!" Soo-ah says, placing a hand on Jugyeong's arm, giving it a squeeze, with an exaggerated expression and tone.

Jugyeong chuckles and looks at Suho. She smiles, turning back to Soo-ah.

"I was the one who should have been worried. I didn't come back until three weeks ago."

"Yeah, but you still managed to catch up. You do have the Lee Suho as your boyfriend. You can be honest with me," she says, turning to Suho, taking her hand off of Jugyeong's arm and gripping her huge bouquet of flowers. She leans in close to Suho, now whispering, "did you help her cheat with some of her assignments?"

"Hey-" Jugyeong says, lightly hitting Soo-ah on the arm with her hand.

Soo-ah laughs.

"I'm just saying, we're all friends here." She says.

Jugyeong's smile fades as she looks at me from the corner of her eye. I groan to myself and Suho clears his throat.

"Oh, Suho." Soo-ah says, neglecting the clear awkwardness in the air. "I need you to come help me with something." She grabs Suho's forearm and starts dragging him away before he even has the chance to protest.

I stand there, a small space between Jugyeong and I.

"Your family must be proud," I start to say. She turns to me, startled that I started talking to her. "They must be happy that you managed to pull through."

She looks down, sad.

"Yeah, my mom and dad were really proud." She says quietly. She turns her head to look in the direction Soo-ah dragged Suho off to. She hesitates, ultimately turning back to me. "Look, I know we haven't talked since you came to my house that day, but-"

I cut her off, "It was my fault, I shouldn't have said what I did. I just... I shouldn't have pressured you into moving on when you clearly weren't ready. Just because I was, didn't mean you were."

She closes her mouth, looking at me with sympathetic eyes. She tucks some of her hair behind her ear, readjusting the grip on her flowers. "Still," she says, "I shouldn't have spoke to you or acted the way I did. It was just... hard, you know?" She says, looking me in my eyes.

I nod my head, sighing a little. I look back at her.

"I know." I reply.

She smiles, moving so she can link one of her arms with mine. I look at her, confused. She turns to a classmate. "Hey," she says to them. They turn and look at her, "can you grab my phone from my pocket and take a picture of us?" She asks. The student smiles, nodding their head, as they grab her phone.

I let out a small smile, trying to hide it before she notices. The student holds the phone up, aiming it towards us.

"Ready?" They ask.

Jugyeong nods her head, holding her bouquet of flowers in the crook of her elbow so she can make a peace sign with her hand. She smiles. I look down at her, my lips forming a smile as I look at her the way I used to.

-

"I don't really see why you insisted on buying a cake. Don't you think it's inappropriate to eat in a cemetery?" I ask Gowoon in the taxi.

She looks at me and shakes her head.

"It's her graduation day too. Besides, Soo-ah asked me to buy it. She planned a small gathering at Yusoi's grave for you, Suho, and I." She replies.

I look out of the window, feeling a pit form in my stomach. The taxi stops after a while, Gowoon pays the driver before opening her door. I open mine hesitantly before getting out of the car. I close it behind me, looking up the hill, seeing Jugyeong, Suho, and Soo-ah standing in a all-too-familiar spot. I hear the taxi slowly drive away on the gravel, the sound of it becoming more distant as we part ways.

"Good, you brought the cake." Soo-ah says in a cheery tone.

"Should we really be doing this?" I ask, not meaning to sound as insensitive as I did.

"I think it's a sweet idea." Jugyeong says.

I shrug my shoulders.

"It just feels... I don't know. Wrong, in a way." I say.

We all look at Yusoi's grave, the mood becoming somber.

"She would have graduated today as well." Suho says, none of us looking away from the grave.

"Yeah...she would have." I mumble.

"I thought we could all just keep her company. Make it like she is here with us still." Soo-ah says, trying to cheer us up.

We all look at her, the others agreeing and taking a seat on a blanket Suho bought. I eventually sit between Jugyeong and Gowoon. Gowoon sets the cake in the center as the others begin to talk. I sit there, not really listening to what they are saying, feeling uneasy. It's been months since I've had dreams about Yusoi, being here makes it feel like they're going to come back.

"Oh," Jugyeong said as she realized something. I snap out of my daze and turn to her. She taps on her phone a few times and then sets it down, looking at me. "I sent you the pictures we took today at school." She says with a smile.

She turns back to the others, now as they open the cake, and I pull out my phone. I look at the pictures she sent, feeling at peace. In a way, as we took the pictures, I imagined it was Yusoi next to me. Even as I stared at them now, I still see her instead of Jugyeong. I smile, feeling oddly at peace with these thoughts.