No Such Thing

Chapter 19

Playlist:
Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want - The Smiths
Army - Ellie Goulding
Eat - Zion. T

My hands are trembling, making it nearly impossible to get a cigarette out of the pack I shoved in my bra before leaving the apartment. I sat myself down on a curb a couple streets away from the party, trying to make sense of the voices in my head. The wind kept fucking with my lighter and just as I finally got it to work, a pair of Louboutins park themselves next to me. I look up to see Georgia hovering over me. "What the fuck do you want now, Georgia?" My words are full of venom, cigarette dangling from my lips. "Are you okay?" No. I'm not okay. I've never been okay. I'm fucked. This is fucked. It's all fucked. "What do you care? Here to rub some salt in my wounds or something?" "You look like a wreck and you're trembling. Not to mention your mascara has migrated down to your chin." The smoke holing up in my lungs releases in spitfire. "How about you fuck right off, Captain Obvious. I really don't need your shit." "Jesus Christ, Stella. I might be a dick to you, but I'm no monster. You look fucked and I'm trying to be a decent person. Just be glad no one else saw you." No. "Saw me what?" "I should've known you were the girl he yammers on about. Summer Meadows. What a bullshit name." She side-eyes the cigarette that just fell out of my gaping mouth. "Summer Meadows?" "Dumb as hell right? Ha, yeah. The second he laid eyes on you in there, I knew it. Gimme a smoke." I fumble to pull out another as my trembling continues. "You're gonna tell Ryder, aren't you?" It wasn't even a question. I was just accepting what was going to happen. It was nice while it lasted. Jason ruins my life yet again. Time to start anew. "Are you mental? Risk the fucking embarrassment of people knowing my boyfriend kissed you? And be in a love triangle scandal on Star? Where's your fucking head, moron?" Saving face over screwing me over? Doesn't sound much like Georgia Dritzer to me. The girl feeds off of drama. "Thanks." I think. "Come to Tiesto's rooftop party tomorrow night. You deserve some kind of break." "I really want to be admitted to whatever psych ward you've been at. Who the fuck are you?" We both have to laugh because it's unbelievable that she could possibly be inviting me to hangout with how many cat fights we've gotten into. "Fuck you! It'll be a riot, just come out with me. I swear I'll be nice." "Maybe. I'll think about it." "Alright I'm heading back to the party. Go home to your boyfriend." She squeezes my shoulder and walks off.

*Ryder's POV*

My fingers stop typing when I hear the door open and Stella's keys hit the kitchen counter. Three.. Two.. One. Hands creep over my eyes and I feel her smile in my ear. "Guess who?" "Either the boogeyman uses some lovely coconut hand lotion or it's my angel." I reach back and tickle her sides as she breaks into laughter and begins to squirm. I turn and scoop her up in my arms, spinning the gorgeous bundle of her around the room. Sitting back on the chair, I bring her into my lap so she's facing me. Her golden hair falls around both our faces and I push it back behind her ears. "Hi." "Hey." We press our noses together and her smile has me feeling lighter than air. It's like I haven't seen it in ages. "How's work?" "To hell with work. How was the party?" And the smile fades. Of course. "Jason was there. So I left." That fucker. "What happened?" She bites her lip and I sense her pulling away from me. Fuck. It's bad. "Well, I don't know. He might have kissed me. My head hurts. I don't know." "Stella." "And we spoke in the bathroom." "The bathroom?" "Through the door I mean." My teeth were grinding as my hands balled into fists. She brings her hands to my face but she's shaking. I hate this guy more than I can fit into words. He took someone so beautiful, so fragile, so innocent, and he destroyed her. And then he has the audacity to keep trying to further the damage he's done. "I want you to stay away from him." "I know, Ryder. Trust me, that's all I want. He doesn't get it no matter what I say." I grab her hands from my face. Her eyes start to glisten. "You're not understanding what I'm saying. I want you to stay away from him, Stella. I don't want you to speak to him, tell him a word, even breathe his air. The next time you hear the mention of his name or the sound of his voice anywhere, I want you to turn around and walk out. Do you understand me?" Her expression is now unreadable and her hands are resting on her thighs. She's staring straight into my eyes, my soul. Burning a hole through me. A moment later she gets up and leaves the room. Fuck. "Stella, I'm sorry. He just gets me so fucking pissed off. Where are you going?" She's rushing around picking things up and throwing them in her oversized Céline bag. I really fucked up. I take the bag from her hand and her eyes dart up at me full of fear and anger and tears. "You fucking listen to me. I've had enough of the two of you telling me what the fuck to do and who to speak to or see. What I do with my life is my fucking choice, not yours. I'm not your fucking daughter. I'm not your toy. I'm not your slave. So FUCK YOU. I should've never fucking let you even speak to me. How dare I be so stupid? You're just like him. Every guy is. You just want and want and want whatever the fuck you like from me. It doesn't matter what I want. I'm just some rag doll to play around with and toss about. Fuck me and my feelings, right? Who cares about them, right? I'm not even a person. I'm some kind of property, right? SCREW YOU BOTH. Love isn't real. I don't know why I keep trying to pretend like it is. I can't do this, Ryder. I can't fucking do this. I can't do it. I can't. I can't. I can't." She's breaking my heart as she sinks to the ground in sobs. I grab her by the back of her arms and lift her up against the door. "Stella Mason, you listen to me. Don't ever compare me to him. No matter how much you try to fight me, I fucking love you. I love you so much it kills me. It rips me to shreds, Stella. You know why? Because whatever I say, do, think.. You never believe me. And it's all because of him. He fucked you up so deeply that you can't see what's real anymore. This. This is real. I'm real. You're real. I'm not him. I won't try to lock you up in here and burn the place down if you try to leave. I won't tie you to the bed and keep you there forever. I won't hold you down, pinned to the floor until bruises show on your wrists. I will never do that to you. I will never force you to do anything you can't or don't want to. And as much as it pains me, I will never force you to love me. But don't ever try to tell me that I don't love you to the moon and back cause I sure as hell do, angel. I really fucking love you." I let go and step away from her, giving her room to dart for the exit if she still means to. She stands on her own two feet and stares at me again, eyes brimming with tears. Her legs encircle my torso as she lunges at me, lips crashing like a head-on collision. And for the first time, she breathed the words "I love you" through her sweet, desperate kiss.

*Stella's POV*

Sunlight dances across the top of the sheets we're hiding in. My toes curl and my legs tangle themselves with Ryder's. He stretches and his feet dangle over the edge of my bed. Giant. His kisses come with morning moans and groans. And my stomach joins him. "Uh oh. I've awoken the beast within." He pats my tummy like it's a set of bongos. Only he could make me laugh like this first thing in the morning. "There are some toaster waffles in the freezer." I raise my eyebrows at him, suggesting he go make us breakfast. "Any other requests, your majesty?" "Hmm, you could kiss me about a million more times before you get up." "ONLY a million? I'm insulted." His mock offended look is hardly convincing so I knock him in the head with a pillow. He gasps. "Now you're gonna get it." I try to crawl away before he catches me and drags me toward him by the hem of my panties. "Get off!" He flips me onto my back and blows raspberries into my stomach and I scream and laugh. He rests his head there for a minute and I stroke his hair. His chin is now on my belly button, his eyes sparkling like two shards of jade cut from the rarest ancient temples. He's got me right where he wants me. And I couldn't see myself going anywhere else.

• "No, babe, put that finger here.. And this one right... Here." His hands are guiding mine around the neck of his guitar. I'm never gonna figure out how to play this damn thing so there's no use in trying. I feel his shoulders shifting up and down against my back. "What are you laughing at? You know I'm no good at this!" "Your tongue sticks out when you're deep in concentration. It's very cute." "Oh fuck off!" "Stella, did you just swear?" I bite my lip cause I can't believe it myself. It's him, it's all him. He's changing me. It's inevitable. But that happens to everyone in love, right? Mirroring each other's behavior without even realizing it. Adapting to their habits. I'm still me. Only the Jason Wilde edition of me. "Like you're not swearing twenty four hours a day. Don't act like you're a saint here." He inches away from me across the hardwood floor, taking his guitar with him. "Alright so I've been working on a song I want you to hear. Be as critical as your heart desires. I need brutal honesty." "Okay I'm gonna need a cigar and a glass of bourbon on the rocks. Maybe a smoking jacket." He shoves at my shin with his foot. The way he pulls at the thin strings mesmerizes me. So gentle and open. You can see his heart pouring out of his chest when he plays. "Please don't see just a boy caught up in dreams and fantasies. Please see me reaching out for someone I can't see. Take my hand, let's see where we wake up tomorrow. Best laid plans sometimes are just a one night stand. I'll be damned, Cupid's demanding back his arrow. So let's get drunk on our tears." The smile on my face has my cheeks burning. It's for me. He wrote a song for me. "And God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young. It's hunting season and the lambs are on the run. Searching for meaning. But are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?" No one believes in us. In what we have and they don't see the beauty of it. He's singing about it. To me. "And I thought I saw you out there crying. And I thought I heard you call my name. And I thought I heard you out there crying. But are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?" This boy. Man, if you will, has my whole life beating in the palms of his bruised and tired hands. His fingertips pressing into the red flesh of my heart. To treat it as a priceless object or crush it between his thumbs is entirely up to him. And he's so aware of this hold over me he has. I've given him my all, trusting that this thing of ours, this beautiful disaster that is us, is forever. "I love you." Those amber eyes glimmer just for a moment, and he tosses his instrument aside, pulling me into his lap, and kissing me like tomorrow is our last. •