No Such Thing

Chapter 13

Playlist:
Mad Love - Neon Trees
Bonnie & Clyde - Dean
Too Late To Say Goodbye - Cage The Elephant

September. The fashion bloggers and front row guests alike all decked out in their best looks of the year, dodging taxis, on their way to catch the season's most highly-anticipated shows. Models are intensely dieting and sweating all their carrot/lemongrass juice off at hot yoga sessions in preparation for their make or break spots on the runway debuting next year's first collections. Designers and photographers are attached to their phones screaming about incorrectly sewn dresses and why uber drivers are blocking their cars. And in all of the insanity surrounding me, I was perfectly content, hand-in-hand with Ryder crossing a busy street, paparazzi and street-style editors clicking away in our direction. In my light blue and white Dior dress, with billowing tulle underneath and my sweet cotton candy color-blocked Miu Miu kitten heels, I looked like an entirely different person. He wore a light grey Gucci suit with the trousers rolled up to his ankles, showing off his navy Tom Ford dress shoes. We were on the tip of everyone's tongues and the headline of every tabloid. "New York City's sweethearts take NYFW by storm," the latest insert on Vogue.com read. The loose curls that refused to tuck into my low bun bounced as Ryder helped me over a puddle in front of the venue of the Valentino show. Our entrance involved several polite greetings from fashion and Hollywood's elite who I've gotten better acquainted with over the past few months. Eyes followed us all the way to our seats which were first row and Ryder rested his hand, that was still enclosed with mine, on my lap. The lights dimmed when everyone was seated and a hypnotic beat began to play as he placed a quick kiss on my jawline.

Who the hell am I and what have I done with the real Stella Mason, right? Days of Ryder and I sleeping over at each other's apartments turned into weeks which turned into months. After realizing what I thought was a temporary brain malfunction was actually him genuinely pursuing me, I finally just let it happen. And he stayed. He respects me. When I need space and I feel strange about the whole thing he gives it to me without a fight. I've given him plenty of chances and reasons to walk the fuck out on me, but there he is in my bed, his face buried in my hair, every single night. I may not understand it, but I don't have to. I hate to admit that he makes me feel happy and safe. I hate to admit that I've let him in and I can't imagine him leaving now. I hate to admit that he could hurt me and I allowed him to have that ability. But none of these thoughts have dared been said out loud. Thank god because that would make them all too real. All I know is that he truly is different and that he probably thinks he's more afraid of me than I am of him. I'd like to keep it that way.

I've become extremely close to Carmen and his sister, Eva. I guess you would call them my best friends since I don't really have any other ones. The whole group goes out all the time which makes me feel pretty good since he hasn't gone out with the ratpack since I met him. Speaking of which, I met his parents who were to my surprise, quite pleasant. Which means they actually like me since they're not very pleasant people whatsoever. His mother especially is always calling me to take me out shopping or out for brunch. Thank god for the endless mimosas that save me from saying how I really feel about her. Their approval of me has let Ryder off the hook, allowing him to make his own social choices. He's been ecstatic about it and seeing him not upset and frustrated anymore is icing on the cake.

After fashion week we're planning on visiting my family in Colorado which has me nervous as hell seeing as I've never brought a guy home and my parents tend to be overly-enthusiastic people. They might try to drown him in pumpkin pie and embarrassing baby pictures of me. As much as I adore them, I'm dreading it.

"Why the long face? Your lemonade too sour? You're a lot more eager to swallow other th-" "JESUS CHRIST RYDER." I viciously throw a piece of bread at him. Oh my god. "I'm kidding, babe! I'm kidding!" He's turning red from laughing so hard and I'm turning red from sheer embarrassment. I kick him lightly under the table. "You can't say shit like that in public, you dick." "Dick? Now that's all you can think about, huh?" I'm shielding my face. I must be redder than the Bloody Mary in front of him. "Stop it." He's smiling like a kid who just snuck a cookie out of a jar that was hidden on the highest shelf. I can't help smiling too, especially when he looks that cute. "We haven't done it in a small five-star restaurant bathroom yet." "Get over yourself. There isn't even enough room to pee in there." "Is that a challenge?" "No!" "Ok fine...... How about the back of a cab?" "Ryder! This isn't Gossip Girl!" "Is this because you're wearing Dior? You always get all dainty princess on me when you wear Dior. Alright to hell with lunch, we're going home and getting you out of that brainwashing dress. Excuse me, Zachary! That was our waiter's name, right? I don't know why he couldn't just say Zach? So much easier. Zachary!" I had my elbow propped on the table with my cheek resting on my hand just staring at him, smiling in disbelief that I was full of adoration for this idiot. He for whatever reason, preferred my apartment to his and had basically moved in. Had his own key made and everything. He was in fact an idiot, but he was my bumbling idiot. My bumbling idiot who would offer me the sun, moon, and stars on a silver spoon if he could. He looked back at me with that same smirk he always sent my way and I turned to dust for the thousandth time.

"Was this absolutely necessary?" I'm downing my third cosmo since we arrived at JFK. "First of all, you witnessed my parents' insistence and you know how they are. You're the one who told me to take advantage of my privileges anyway, didn't you?" His eyes aren't visible through his reflective silver Ray-Bans, but his tone lets me know he's definitely mocking me. I'm slouching in a very comfortable seat on the Wells's private jet. I've never felt like such an asshole than sitting here on this fucking private jet. "We're going to Colorado not Bora Bora." I mutter into my glass and he slides into a laying position with his head in my lap. "Could I do this on a regular flight?" "I don't think you're even supposed to do this on your own jet. You're a safety hazard." "Yeah, coming from you." I flick him on the forehead and he twitches, so I stroke his hair as an apology and he's as satisfied as a month old puppy. Looking out the window as the plane takes off, my eyes get heavy and I hear a familiar voice calling my name.

• "Stel, baby. My baby love. Stel, where are you going? Stel, babe you can't leave me like this. You're mine. You belong to me." Streaks of black are running down my face. I'm all buzzed from the line of coke I did before I left. I can't stop fucking crying. All the bags I'm trying to balance are falling all over the place as my mascara tainted tears cloud up my vision while trying to make my way through the airport. I can't focus on anything except the images of me walking into our apartment to find him fucking some trashy slut over our kitchen counter, like looking through one of those viewfinders I had as a kid. Thrusting into the back of her over and over, too drugged up to even realize I was standing there in the doorway before I started screaming. He barely even reacted as I lunged for the bitch's throat and smashed her head into that same counter, letting her fall to the floor, barely conscious. He pulled his jeans on as I went for him. "Stel baby... Stel... Stel, Stel, Stel.." I just kept shoving him and shoving him, unable to even form words to spit at him. I grabbed him by his neck, digging my nails in, shaking him violently. He slowly put his hands over mine and I came undone. My tear ducts betrayed me and I burst into hysterics. I dragged my nails down his bare chest and stomach as I fell to my knees, sobbing harder than I ever thought I could. Even when he had finally done his worst, I still leaned on him. He brought his hand to my hair and knotted his fingers in it. Breathing a barely audible "I'm sorry." Words that I had heard one too many times that suddenly meant nothing to me. When I pulled back I felt numb and tired. My expression was unreadable. I was a corpse. The innocent, kind-hearted, easy to love girl I was when we first met was dead. He had taken that girl and shred her apart into oblivion. I got up and silently collected all of my things like a zombie as he followed me around saying my name a million times. He followed me out of our apartment, into my cab, and through the airport. He even followed me onto the plane despite airport security attempting to drag him off. On his knees, he threw his head and arms over my lap and began to sob. "Stel, I can change, baby. You know I've changed for you. You know I love you. You know you're only mine, Stel. You'll never be anyone else's. You're mine. Why won't you say something to me. Fucking say something." He props himself up to firmly grab my face and shakes it aggressively, starting to yell. "I know you fucking hear me, Stel. You're nothing without me. You get all your dope from me. All your money. All your pride.. That's me, Stel! No other fucking twat is gonna fuck you the way I do. You're mine. Nobody else is gonna fucking touch you. Are you hearing me, you fucking cunt? If anyone else touches you, I'll kill them dead. And then I'll kill you twice as bad. They won't even fucking recognize you, Stel. You'll just be a bloody fucking mess like the mess you're leaving me." Everyone on the flight is staring in shock and horror at us since he's screaming at the top of his lungs and looking like he's about to strangle me. "You can't kill me when I'm already dead." We aren't home so he can't tear the whole place apart like he always did when he was pissed so he just stared at me, his eyes were as dark and dull as I felt inside. His touch went soft as he rubbed my stained cheek with his thumb. "Just come home, Stel. We'll talk and toss back a couple brews. You'll tell me you love me forever like you always do. Back to normal. You're my best mate. I love you forever, Stel, babe. You know me." I put my hand over his, my eyes brimming with tears. "The only thing we can do forever is destroy each other... every day... forever." I pull his hands off my face and security pulls him off the plane and out of sight. •

"Stella, wake up. We're not in Oz anymore." Waking up to Ryder kissing my forehead after that nightmare was like the sun coming out after a hurricane. I look out to see a very different landscape than the one I fell asleep to. "Yes, Toto. We're in Kansas now."