No Such Thing

Chapter 16

Playlist:
Blue Dream - Jhene Aiko
I Want To Feel Alive - The Lighthouse And The Whaler
12:30 - B2ST

• "Why are we at a lake?" After Jason's insane driving around town I figured we'd end up at some scary warehouse party with a screamo band or a junkyard full of rabid guard dogs and a psycho killer. Instead we were at a lake that looked straight out of the Kiss The Girl scene in The Little Mermaid. My reflection shimmered in the water while I pranced around a tree. Maybe he was the psycho killer and this is where he was going to chop me up and throw me out to feed the fish. Never to be seen again. I paused right by the edge, my back against the trunk of the tree and my feet half dangling over. "Why are you doing that?" "Doing what?" "That little dance you did around the tree. And now you're on your toes. You some kind of ballerina?" "You could say that. I took it for a couple years, but I had to quit for cheerleading practice." "You didn't want to though." He was keeping a significant distance between us and was kicking at stones. "I never said that." "You just said you had to. That implies you didn't want to, but felt it necessary. Why even cheer? You don't fit much of the shallow air-headed prom queen type." "My friends wanted me to join the team with them. Like how your friends wanted you to go to that party with them." "But I'm not there am I." "Well, no, but-" "I didn't want to be there, therefore, I'm not. I do the things I want to. You should try it some time. I'm sure that wasn't the first time you were hopelessly sitting on a curb." He had some serious nerve insulting me like this. "If you're going to be rude, I'll leave." "Not that you know your way back." "I can figure it out. I- it's this way and- or this- fine!" I walked in circles until I gave up. The jerk was right. I was stuck with him. I turned my back to him and pretended to focus on the water. "Boo." He breathed into my ear making me jump and I look up to see that we're nose to nose and his hand is planted on the tree trunk above my head and his other hand on the branch at my eye level. I was trapped. His eyes were full of flecks of gold which made them look sinister. I felt like red riding hood staring into the face of the wolf. I already knew in that moment that he was going to eat my soul alive. The weight of him fell over me as he pressed into my torso. My heartbeat was going at the rate of a hummingbird's and when he took notice, he removed his right hand from the branch and brought it to the strap of my dress, pushing it off my shoulder, and placing his lips directly on the skin concealing that thumping heart. I gasped as his teeth gripped my skin. When he finally pulled away a dark red bruise was visible in the spot. He brought both hands to my face, lightly placing his thumbs against my bottom lip. "That heart is mine now. You're mine now. Whether you like it or not. You want it. I want it. And I take the things I want." He grabbed my thigh and glided slowly down, instructing me to put my leg around his waist. His hand then skated down my back and up the hem of my dress, moving his hands all the way to the small of my back, lifting me away from the tree, and further into him. My spine was ablaze at the slightest movement of his fingertips navigating the span of my back. For the first time, I let go of every thought swirling around my brain and felt something greater than I had ever encountered. It was the purest form of attraction, passion, and lust. My bones shook under his touch and my muscles melted into him like honey. That's when his words from earlier rang through me. "The woman who's going to be the death of me one day." He didn't know that he would be the one to be the death of me. •

After the surprisingly calm return home, (since my dad had told my mother to let me live due to my healthy behavior as of late) I sat Ryder down on my bed and told him everything. I told him every detail of every moment of Jason's walk-on role in my life. He was the first person I had ever spoken to about Jason and all that happened between us. I always refused to speak when anyone else pried at me for answers. "Jason Wilde. Of all the shitty guys in the world you could've dated, you dated Jason Wilde. The biggest guitarist and biggest douchebag of our generation." "Yep." Not really eager to hear about what a successful musician he's been, thank you very much. The lengths I've had to go in order to avoid hearing about him are extraordinary. "Why didn't you tell me?" "I've never told anyone. I mean, yeah, people knew we were together, but I never told anyone what went on between us. Obviously the drug part was unavoidable and my erratic behavior... But everything else I kept shut. I wanted to pretend like he never happened. That who I am today is who I've always been, not because of him." "I'd like to find him and kill him myself if you don't mind." Boys are so stupid. Always ready to settle everything with their bare hands. "Please don't even acknowledge that he exists because then I have to and the one thing I've been able to do is pretend that he doesn't. Please." "If you see on the news that his guts were spilled all over Chelsea Piers... Just know it wasn't an accident." I softly nudge him and he takes hold of my hand, fitting his fingers through the gaps of mine and locking them in as if he were never letting go. "Maybe you could actually pull off that sexy, blood-drenched, psycho killer look. Mm, yeah, I kinda like the idea." "I think I spot my next victim." His lips collide with mine full force. As I fall on top of him, into the vast sea of crisp powder blue sheets on my parents' guest room bed, I dwell back to the ever-gnawing question of when I'll wake up from this fantasy I'm living in.

• "First you ditch the party and scare me to death.. Then you drive off with a damn stranger.. You hooked up... With Jason Wilde... Before me?! Who the hell are you?!" I just finished gushing to Cindy all about last night and how crazy I felt and amazing. So amazing. He was AMAZING. "Did I mention he's amazing?" "And aggravating. And has every girl within a thirty mile radius of our school lusting after him like he's a damn Hemsworth brother. "This is so unlike you.. I wanna have a word with the guy and see how the hell he got you to loosen up for once." Almost simultaneously, I hear a noise outside my back door that leads to the deck. "Hey can you hold on a sec?" "Yeah, why?" "I think someone's outside my door." "Like your backyard door? That's a little weird." "Yeah, super weird." I get off my bed and am now holding my phone as a weapon in case of an unwanted intruder. When I open the door, Jason is standing there looking rather impatient. He notices the phone and rips it from my hand. "Hey what the- give it back!" "Whatever dickwad calling my girl trying to get her panties wet this is, why don't you bugger off and try your bullshit on some regular slag like yourself and stay off this line, before I come over and tear your testicles right off?" I'm struggling with him to take back what's mine and at the same time I'm flushing listening to everything he's saying. He finally forks over my phone and my best friend is choking from laughter on the other end. "You're right, Stel. He's amazing. A real stunner. Picked up a great catch there. Have fun visiting him in a psych ward." He sneaks up behind me and pushes my hair off to the side like a curtain, leaving a trail of vampire-like kisses along my neck. "Cindy, I'm gonna text you later." I'm slowly being dragged backward toward my bed. Oh boy. "Don't have too much fun!" I hang up and throw my phone on my dresser. When I try turning around he stops me with his hand around my neck, almost choking me. He guides me onto his lap where he is sitting on the edge of my bed, pulling me by the back of my plaid pajama pants. He slides them past my thighs until they fall down around my ankles. I feel him lift the bottom of my tank top as he grabs the back of my thighs. He places a kiss at the small of my back and rests his forehead against my spine. Every touch leaves my mind in a deeper haze and I lose all sense with every taste of him. "I wanna look at you." "I know, love. But I wanna try this differently so you can focus on feeling." "No I wanna look at you." I wiggle out of his solid grip and turn around, making him scoot further onto my bed so he can lie down while I straddle his waist. I rub circles around his chest with my hands and bring my hands to his neck. My sweet smile turns to a frown. "What's wrong, Stel?" "Why did you have to ruin me? Look what you've done to me. You could've saved me from this. You killed me. Why did you do it? Answer me!" I couldn't stop choking him. He was clawing at my hands and his eyes were bloodshot. His eyes went glassy and his fidgeting ceased, along with his breathing. "Wake up. Jace this isn't funny. Wake up. Baby, wake up. I'm not done with you. No no no." •

"Stella! Stella wake up!" My eyes open and Ryder is shaking my shoulders trying to wake me. It was a dream. The truth is I let him teach me how to feel things without seeing them. Everything about our relationship was raw, unfiltered. And I always let it happen. I never tried fighting it, no matter how much it changed me. I let it. "What time is it?" "Four in the morning. You were screaming so loud I heard it across the hall. Are you okay?" "Yeah just some fucking nightmare. I'm sorry." "Don't start. Here, I'll stay with you." To hell with my mother's boundaries, I needed him next to me. I mean... I wanted him next to me. I don't need him. I don't need anyone. "Thank you." He snuggled up close to me and his arms felt safer than a bulletproof vest.