No Such Thing

Chapter 21

Playlist:
Naked As We Came - Iron & Wine
One Of These Nights - Red Velvet
Honeymoon - Lana Del Rey
Traveling Song - Ryn Weaver

• "It just doesn't make sense. How is a chip a fry? A chip is a chip." "Your chips are our crisps." "Okay but why do you have to make everything sound so much better than it is. It's a fried, greasy slice of potato." And there he goes laughing at me again. He drapes his arm over my shoulder and steals another one of my... chips. "Is there anything on this earth that doesn't so intensely frustrate you?" "No. I'm also extremely jet lagged. Is it nap time yet?" "Oh no, no, no. I'll be getting you a coffee in that case we still have a whole day packed in. Lots to see. I know you'll get a kick out of seeing the crown jewels, that should jolt you awake." He was the calmest at his happiest so I could tell he was ecstatic to have me here, and it was exciting to get to know the place that raised him. "Do you remember when you were leaning on one of the glass cases because you were so terribly sleepy that you half dozed off and that guard came out of nowhere and you jumped higher than a kangaroo? It was a fucking riot and a half." I guess this was some cute dream he had last night. "What are you yammering about?" "Even in your worst states you never cease to appear less than magnificent to me. With your beauty alone they should've crowned you Duchess of Cambridge." Is he... Crying? "Jace, what's wrong?" "I'm so sorry, Stel. And I need you to forgive me. I need you to wake up and forgive me, love. There's a whole world we still haven't seen together. If you don't wake up, hell, we both know Jo is gonna find a way to haunt my ass for eternity." I'm asleep. This is a dream. "Wake up, Stella. Please wake up." •

Everything hurts. I feel like I'm about to cough up a lung. Moving doesn't seem like the best idea, and neither does opening my eyes. The last time I got in an accident was when I was trying to show off while racing Jace's car with his friends. I crashed right into a tree and broke my nose in the process. But that was another life, when we could walk out laughing at the huge bandage on my face. Now everything's a mess of decisions I can't bring myself to make.

My eyes flutter open and the blurred figure sleeping on the chair beside the hospital bed turns into a clear picture of Jace. I quickly shut them closed when I catch Jo shuffling into the room. "Jason, get up." The sound of her swatting him with a rolled up magazine would've made me giggle any other day. "For fucks sake, woman. Alright, I'm up." "Run along now. You know I don't have an ounce of patience for you." Suddenly he has my IV connected hand in his. "Don't dream about me too much while I'm gone, love." He kisses my wrist and walks out. "Alright cut the crap, Stella. I saw your eyelids twitching, I know you're awake. If there's anyone you aren't fooling, it's me." This woman would actually walk up to my casket, lean down over my dead body, and whisper that she knows I'm faking it. My glare has no effect on her as she sits, legs crossed, filing her nails. "I didn't wanna talk to him." "Funny, you didn't feel that way right before you crashed. Seeing as the girl who called 911 said she called the first person on your recent calls list right after... Guess who?" Fuck. Vulnerable Stella... Always running back to Jason. Almost getting myself killed again and again because I just can't let go of Jason. Jason, Jason, Jason. EVERYTHING points back Jason. Why wouldn't I call Ryder? He's my safety net. He's the one I should be running to. "Where's Ryder?" "He's your next shift, seeing as he gets pretty worked up at the pure mention of Jason's name I figured it best they don't see each other at all. Although, they have been spending the past few nights sleeping across the waiting room from each other." Lovely. At this rate we'll all be sharing a hospital bed together. "How long until I can get out of here? I'm tired, Jo. I'm really tired." She finally looks at me, full of concern. "The doctor was waiting to see when you'd wake up. She said you're in stable condition, bruised rib cage will leave your breathing pretty painful until it heals. I told everyone at the offices to fuck off and leave me alone for the week. Family emergency." Family. Jo was my only family out here and treated me like the daughter she never had. "Do you remember when I first came to the city and I was an absolute wreck? I didn't have any idea what to do, how to get around, where to live... My anxiety was at an atrocious high and I could barely even make it down the street. It sounds impossible, but I feel even more broken down right now. I feel helpless, out of control even. Every move I make is one step closer to me unraveling as a person, into something unrecognizable, something hollow. I'm past scared. I'm fucking terrified that I don't know how to save myself anymore." "Stella, you've got more guts than any girl I've ever met. You've got more fight in you than Ali had in his pinky. If there's anyone on this earth who will never stop believing in your ability to beat this, to beat yourself, it's me. The girl I'm looking at now is so far from the girl I first met. She was so frail and shaken, now you're just conflicted and hurt. But you'll bounce back, I know you. You just need to choose what's right for you, not that gnawing little you in the back of your mind, but the raw essence of you. I love you, sweetie. And I'll always be here for you." I couldn't make it even halfway through her speaking without breaking into sobs. She reached over and held onto my me while I fell apart. No one knows me. No one knows what's going on within the chaos of my subconscious. I'm bursting at the seams, and there's no going back or forward. There's only going away.