Repeat until death // Tubbo angst

Morning Thoughts.

Please note I am European so some words might be spelled differently. e.g Color, Favorite, blond, brunet, realize, Colour, Favourite, blonde, brunette, realise etc.

Chapter 1,

TW //Suicide Mentions, drug usage(kind of), Small bit of self harm mentions.

~Tubbos POV~

I open my eyes and squint at the small streak of light seeping through my blinds. I lay there, staring at the ceiling preparing for another day.

Just the same as every other.

Everyday, the same thing.

Over

and over

and over

and over again.

The same routine, it gets quite exhausting if i'm being honest.

I lie still, staring at the ceiling wallowing in my own thoughts. Thinking about all the things i'm not gonna get done today.

I finally roll over and grab my phone off my nightstand, it turns on and my eyes burn at the sudden brightness.

I open spotify and choose my favourite playlist.

The first song that plays is 'Listen Before I Go'

I love that song, i'll admit I resonate with it. Especially when it says "Take me to the rooftop, I wanna see the world when I stop breathing"

The desire for that moment when you finally fall, you let go and take one final breath as your body glides against the wind til it hits. That one moment when you finally feel free, like everything is over and you're at peace. You see the world just one last time. You watch everything blur as you fall, though it only lasts a few seconds.

You'd probably wish it'd last forever. The feeling of having no worries in the world, just you and the sky, you and the breeze, you and whatever weather there is.

That is til you actually realise the situation.

Every person who's ever glamourised suicide makes us all expect it to be freedom, a way out, a way to run from our problems and make it so we'd never have another problem again.

It isn't.

Every person who's ever survived will tell you the feeling of regret they felt when they jumped, took the pills, or whatever way they attempted. They would find it hard to describe the pure emotion they felt, (this next part is actually based on an interview i watched and it's true for someone who attempted by jumping off the Golden Gate bridge)

The feeling of letting go of the handle bar, whatever was supporting you or keeping you up before you fell. The wave of regret, Falling as you realise what you've just done. Leaving everything behind, all that just to survive and live with the guilt and constant worry everyone around you feels. Always worrying if you're gonna "try again" wondering if you're "better" "cured"

Sounds exhausting to me, i'd rather just sink in my pain instead of doing that. I couldn't imagine how you would face people after that, them knowing what you did, what you tried to do.

I blink as I come out of my thoughts realising I had just daydreamed for so unbelievably long, it's never even about good things either.

I gently rub my eyes to help myself wake up more, I yawn and try to convince myself to get out of bed and eat something.

But i'm tired.

Well I can't be that tired, i just got loads of sleep.

I don't even think it's that kind of tired anymore.

I'll just wait til my mom comes upstairs to tell me to get up. Will she though? I can't remember the last time she did.

Fine.

I pulled myself out of my bed, too quickly for my own good.

I fell over as fast as I stood up.

Sometimes I forget just how low on every nutrient I am.

I got up carefully off the floor and headed towards my bathroom.

I turn on the light and stare down into the drawer beneath my sink.

Hmm.. maybe i'll brush my teeth for once?

Nah that takes up too much energy.

I look away from the drawer and up into the mirror.

I don't even recognise myself anymore.

I don't even know who i'm looking at. That's not me.

I didn't have big bags under my eyes? I didn't have such pale skin that lacked any sort of colour. I didn't look, dead.

I don't remember how it got to this, but it did. I wish it hadn't, if I could go back in time about 4 years to when i was 13. I would, I would tell myself many things. I would tell myself, don't let it get to you, don't listen to what other people think about you, don't be scared to do things outside your comfort zone, don't be scared of everything, wear that outfit, be brave, don't hurt yourself it's hard to stop once you start.

I once again pulled myself out of my thoughts. I daydream, A LOT. Like I mean a lot a lot. All the time. I'd say i daydream more than i actually pay attention to what's going on in my life. Well there's barely anything going on in my life anyways so it's not too bad. My actual dreams on the other hand, scary. It's normally something to do with suicide, but i'm not suicidal. I just think about it too much for my own good but i'd never actually do it, right?

Right.

I wouldn't

I would never.

I've never even thought about going through with it, though I do daydream and dream about it a lot.

Once again I just got lost in my thoughts.

I sighed as I left my bathroom and thought about going downstairs, I was exhausted though.

From what? Couldn't tell ya.

I think it's just the constant weight I feel on my shoulders dragging me down all the time. I might just go back to sleep for a little.

A small piece of me hopes to never wake up again.

But I would never actually want that.

I flop back onto my bed and turn off my music. I stare at the ceiling once again before drifting off into a dream, another dream i'd never forget.

IF YOU READ THIS TYSM <3 anyways yeah thats it for chapter 1 lols if you have any suggestions leave em I wanna hear them : )

{1,054 words}