Repeat until death // Tubbo angst

PTSD.

If you believe that this name was a bad choice for this chapter please let me know as I was not sure how I felt about it while publishing this.

Chapter 8,

TW// Heavy self harm mentions, Swearing, Panic attack

I pulled Ranboo out of the airport and brought him as quick as I could over to the car.

We sat in the car excitedly letting the fact that we were talking in person sink in, like I still couldn't believe it, I'm talking with Ranboo in person and not over discord.

We enjoyed the music in the car and each others company, I could never get sick of his company (See what I did there ;))

Being around him just makes me feel happy and safe, i'm not as nervous around him as I am with other people, even my own mother.

We clicked instantly, and I know we already know each other but sometimes when you meet online friends in real life you don't get along as well in person as you do online, I'd say me and Ranboo get along even better in person which is saying a lot.

We eventually got home and we were just chilling in my room playing Just Dance having a good time laughing at how bad we were.

This whole day would've been absolutely perfect, except for one small mishap, well I wouldn't say small.

See the thing is for people who don't have any form of trauma, they don't understand the feeling of when you see something that reminds you of it.

Of course it's okay when I do it, i'm in the mindset where apparently it's okay for me to harshly put a freezing cold blade against my delicate skin, bleed for a while, clean it up and then leave my room and act like nothing happened (<-sarcastic), It's okay because i'm the one making the decision, it's my fault.

But seeing something that reminds you of that moment is a feeling I can't describe. It's like time stops and everything you've ever done replays in your head, everything that's happened, every bad moment you've ever lived through, then the shakiness starts, then the tears, and then a panic attack or just a complete meltdown if i'm lucky.

Anyways,

We were playing just dance and doing a shit job of course being two people with absolutely no rhythm whatsoever.

I was just dancing when i'm assuming what was a bit of my wii remote sticking out cut my finger.

"Ow, shit"

"You good?" Ranboo asked.

"Yeah yeah i'm fine one sec lemme get a plaster for my finger real quick"

That's when it all went wrong,

I looked at it.

I froze in place unable to think about what I could do in that very moment, I was in shock you could say.

"Tubbo?"

I wanted to respond but I was unable to think of what to respond with, plus I think I would have burst into tears if I had ended up doing so.

As long as I could stifle the panic and tears things wouldn't go to badly, I can always use the excuse 'I'm not too fond of blood'

But that's when I felt it, the feeling of your chest getting tight and losing the ability to breathe all the way in without it feeling like something is blocking it.

Of course as a response to being unable to breathe all the way in you take more short breaths more often, this results in hyperventilating which resulted in me having a panic attack.

I decided to sit down on the floor since dealing with everything is always easier when you're on the floor.

Ranboo hesitantly approached me unsure of what to do, I mean I doubt he's ever been in a situation like this.

He sat down beside me and asked if it would be okay for him to hug me, I nodded unable to form words in that moment and he gently embraced me in his arms.

Of course me being in great distress caused me to grasp onto him for dear life and not let go, just sobbing into his shirt.

He just held me and said i'd be okay, I was glad he wasn't making a big deal out of it because that's the last thing I wanted.

He held me until the hyperventilating stopped and I calmed down a little, he asked me what was wrong and I showed him the cut on my fingers and just whispered "Memories..

I saw his eyes widen for a moment then he immediately understood, he didn't say anything as to not upset me and proceeded to just keep talking to me calmly to help, which did and I had calmed down a good bit.

"Do you want me to go get your mom or anything?"

The calmness was lost for a second as I frantically asked him not to tell my mom.

"Please, anyone but my parents, please not my mom, not my mom, not my mom, not my mom, not my mo-

"Okay okay, It's alright i'm not gonna get your mom if you don't want me to"

I let out a deep sigh, still in his arms and quietly thanked him.

After about 20 minutes of me sitting on the floor in his arms while he told me funny stories about his life in America to get my mind off of things, I had completely calmed down.

We got up and sat on my bed, chatting as if none of it happened.

I suggested that we stream but he said I should just relax for the rest of the day and he's jet lagged.

I told him if he was tired I would gladly let him go to sleep even though it was only 7pm.

He went into the bathroom, got into his pajamas (which was just a shirt and shorts to be honest not proper pjs lmao)

I sat at my desk and looked over at him, I would finally have someone here for me who won't judge me and make a big deal out of everything, maybe things wont be so bad after all,

Oh boy was I wrong.

Ayooooo another chapter done bitchessssss, yes i'm foreshadowing besties, i've done it many times in this story who knows maybe you just glanced over it without paying attention to it,

Sorry for the heavy sh and stuff :(

Make sure to drink water and stay safe, it's important <3

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