My diary

What is my Fear?

"What is fear to you, S?"

"You really want to know this, don't you, A?"

"S, tell me it. Right now! I am your big brother!"

"Well, don't be mad at me. It is your choice to live in my head, so why won't you just read it out loud? This would be way more fun, wouldn't it be?"

"Fine, your thoughts:"

{ "Dear reader, 

You asked want my fear is. Well I have many, hehe hehe. It will take some time to explain them, but here you go. I have a fear of the future, not only that. But my current fear is to never live at all. I don't feel alive. It is like a slowly disease. Every time someone tells me: "Oh S, you are so perfect, you are so smart, how did you know that? S, can you help me with this? You are so kind. You look so cute. You are beautiful. You are like an angel." Stop god all these words mean nothing. THEY MEAN NOTHING. It means nothing. 

*S breaths in and out* Sorry, I got a little bit of loud. I hope I didn't scare you. Well let's continue. Hmm where were I? Oh my fear or should I say anxiety? I don't know which suits more in this situation. Hmm I can't decide, so I will use both. I hope you don't mind hehe. *S giggles start to fade away. She walks to a window and starts to watch how the rain streams down the window pane.* A, what is your fear? *A looks up to S* Let me guess, your fear is my death. Your fear is my pain. That happens if you love someone with your whole heart. You are scared something will happen to the person, you love. This was my fear for a very long time and I still keep this fear around me."

"But S, what do you want to tel me with that?"

"Ssh, my dear brother. Just read the next thought of mine: This fear isn't my strongest. You know how indecisive I am, so of course I couldn't decide which is my biggest fear, even if I wanted to. So my current fear is always changing around, it comes and goes with every situation I am facing. So I am going to tell you, what my current anxiety is.

I don't feel alive, so there is nothing much to fear, would you think? Well it isn't that easy. I am scared of a bad future, I am scared of losing everything I achieved even if  it doesn't make me happy, I am scared that all these risks, which I am taking are all for nothing, I am scared of feeling mental pain again, I am scared of change, but at the same I want change. I am scared of a painful death or death in general. I don't want to die, but I am scared of live. I am scared of so many things that if I would stop with everything I need to do, I would slowly suffocate on all these fears. 

An ironic thing is, I seem more happier than usual, I seem healthier and more athletic  than usual, but it is all just a mask. Hehe *S starts to giggle and laugh uncontrollably* They don't see the dark reality in all of this. They are blinded by all this optimistic bullshit, that they can't see how much I damage my body. They think I do this to be happy, healthy and more shit like this, but in reality I do this just to feel physical pain. Do you know how painful it is, when you go over your limits? It almost feels like you are dying, but if you stop running and try to sit down, you will feel more shitty than ever before. So you need to force yourself to be standing there, not trying to rest. Hehe it is like torture. Did you ever run so much, that you almost puked? Well I did and let me tell you, hehe I loved the pain. It felt so good to over cross my limits so much that my own body tried to put me in pain, so I will stop torturing my body."

*A starts to scream at S* "S, stop. Stop, you you can't torture yourself like this. This this is just a phase!"

"Isn't that what they all say? Dear brother, *S walks to A and holds his hands, she looks him in the eyes and grins* It is to late. I am obsessed of the feeling. I need it, more than anything. I need to feel the blood dripping down my nose and mouth. I need to feel how I start to suffocate every time I am running and stop breathing. I love to feel my heart beating  so fast that it starts to hurt. I love to see and feel how my fingers tremble after I use them too much and how they hurt with every little move. I love all these bruises around my whole body. They all think they are just accidents, which makes the whole thing even more perfect. No one suspects my torture. Every time I cross my limits, i feel at peace. Everything feels so light and warm, as if I am flying. For some seconds the burning pain makes everything so easy, before my whole world comes crushing down back and all the pain begins to swallow me."

*As S stopped to speak, tears started to fall down from A's eyes. He looks down to his sister on earth. As her guardian angel he can't do much, every time he sees her in pain, his white feathers start to fall down, ripping out of his beautiful wings, leaving trails of blood behind. Of course they heal in less than ten seconds, but the pain still stays. He doesn't only feel physical pain, every time his little sister is in pain, his heart aches, too. "God, why do you let her fight so much? Her golden heart is slowly fading away, she is drowning in insanity soon and I can't help her, because of our policies." he prays.