My diary

Cigarette

"It's just a cigarette. Why do you care so much!?" Tiara screamed at her boyfriend. "It is not good for your health and for your lungs. Out of all people you know it best, Tiara." he screamed back. "I don't smoke this much, I only smoke twice a week, so it won't harm me this much." She gets furious. "Is it really worth it, when you lose me because of two cigarettes once a week?" he tells her in a sad voice and looks dead serious in her eyes. "Oh so you won't break your promise about staying by my side in the bad times, just because I do something that helps me? You know what, this is my answer." 

Tiara puts out a pack of cigarettes, takes one out, lights one and takes a deep pull and then blows the smoke right in the face of her boyfriend. Her boyfriend gets mad and closes his eyes: 

"I can't do this anymore. You are not the same anymore. Why don't you let me help you with your problems!? I tolerated this long enough. We have been together for over a two years now and yous till don't trust me. Yeah I once lied to you, but I am a human. Humans make mistakes. But that is not a reason to tell me nothing about your problems and especially it is not a fucking reason to provoke me. I know that you are going through a hard time, you got fired from your dream job and I know that it mattered the whole world for you, but I just can't understand why you don't talk to me, instead you started smoking even though you know that my dad died from smoking. You just don't make me happy anymore and you give me the feeling as if you never cared about me." "I don't care about you, I never did. I used you so I could get attention." Tiara lies and goes to the balcony to smoke. She doesn't look at her boyfriend, Matt anymore. He starts to growl and he screams with tear in his eyes: "YOU ARE LYING! YOU ARE JUST SAYING THIS TO HURT ME! BUT I WON'T GIVE YOU UP SO EASILY!" Tiara gets mad, her plan failed and she screams at him: "JUST GO! LET ME BE ALONE! I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP! I AM FINE, I DIDN'T CHANGE!" "Keep on lying to yourself, Tiara. We both know that nothing is okay." Matt tries to calm himself down, bu Tiara won't let him. She takes her smoke deposit that is made out of glass and throws it at Matt. It falls to the ground and shatters in twenty little shards. Tiara looks at him with tears in her eyes and screams: "GET OUT! I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU! I! AM! FINE! DO YOU HEAR ME!? I AM FINE; YOU ASSHOLE!" she breaks down in tears and her cigarette falls on the ground. 

Matt goes to Tiara and takes her in his arms. He doesn't let her go and she pushes him multiple times in the chest and screams: "Let me go, Matt. Let me go, Matt. I don't want to live anymore. Why can't you just let me die?" "Because I love you, Tiara." he starts to cry too and holds her thigh. His hands go through Tiara's hair and he holds her head close to his chest. After some time Tiara is silent, she doesn't cry anymore. It is like all this never happened. She is emotionless again. Matt asks her: 

"Tiara? You once said to me that if you ever start to smoke, I need to bring you immediately to a therapist, because that's how you tell everybody that knows you, that you want to end your life and try to commit suicide again. Could you- Could you please go to a therapist? I- I know that you say that you are fine, but I am worried about you." 

"I will go to one. I promise." "Thank you. I can't lose you."

// Hey guys, my message behind this text:

Sometimes people with depression lie to themselves that they don't have depression even though they know that they are depressed and sometimes if a person changes to the bad, you should ask yourself why the person has changed instead of leaving this person behind. They guy in my story had the chance to leave his girlfriend, but he didn't even though she has hurt him. He knew that if he left her, she would take her own life. So please don't leave a person when you know that they are thinking about suicide, because  maybe you are their only hope and their only reason why they keep fighting everyday.

In this story I put a sentence that I once said a friend of mine. The sentence is "If I ever start to smoke, you need to bring me immediately to a therapist." This contains personal information, but with this sentence I wanted to warn him, because I know that if I start to smoke, I want to die and I don't care about anything anymore. I had suicidal thoughts and I almost tried it once, so I know that if I go back there, i won't tell anyone. I will distance myself from everybody so that i can make it easier for me and them. But I don't want to talk much about this topic, because I am sensitive about my past. I am on my way to recover from my past.

I hope everybody who has suicidal thoughts or who is depressed will get better soon. Have a nice day ♥ //