The Fire Inside (Sebastian Vettel)

38. Memories

A/N. Trigger warning. This chapter covers a subject that may be upsetting for some people. I apologise if it upsets anyone. It covers stillbirth and losing a child.

Seb looked at her, the shock on his face all too apparent. He looked pale and on the verge of throwing up. Whether that was down to the alcohol he had consumed or the bombshell she had just dropped, Emily didn't know.

"You have a son?" he finally said, slowly. "And it never occurred to you to mention this before?"

"No, I don't," Emily replied.

"But you just said Jacob was your son." he added, confused.

"Exactly. He WAS my son. Jacob died Seb, a long time ago now. Although to be honest with you, he never even got to live."

Seb stood up and went to take her in his arms. She took a step back.

"No, if you touch me now I will just break and I need to tell you this," she said, slipping on a baggy t-shirt to cover herself. She sat on the wide windowsill, bringing her knees up to her chin. Seb sat back on the bed, waiting for her to continue.

"I was 17 weeks and 2 days pregnant when I went into premature labour. They tried everything they could but they couldn't stop it. He was born sleeping. And he did look like he was just sleeping. He was so tiny, so perfect." The tears started rolling down her face.

"He hadn't been planned. I was only young, I had my career at Carlin. But I loved him very much and I had been looking forward to being a mother."

"Was Chris his father? Or was it before then?"

"Yes. He was Chris's. Well biologically he was, but Chris never wanted him. He tried to make me have a termination, and our relationship went downhill after I refused. Alarm bells should have rang then but I was so infatuated with Chris. He was an older man and I was a dumb, naive, young girl. I felt honoured that someone as handsome and successful as him would want someone like me."

"Emily, we all make mistakes. Myself included."

"Do you want to hear this or not?"

He nodded at her to continue.

"We'd had another row that day. It had ended with sex. Not like the kind we just had. Nothing like any that we've ever had. Just him taking his pleasure.and giving none. Then he left. A few hours later I started getting contractions.

I was petrified. I rang him but there was no answer. So I called Joel. He took me to the hospital and he stayed by side for hours while they tried everything to stop Jacob being born. But nothing could stop that.

After it was all over I tried ringing Chris again. A woman answered his phone. I'd just lost our baby and he was with his other woman. Only, that wasn't quite true. Turns out that I was the other woman. She was his wife.

She knew all about me, although she never mentioned Jacob so I don't know if she knew about him or not. She informed me that he'd never leave her, all I was a bit on the side that he used to get his dick wet when he felt like it. And I also found out they had three children together. I never saw him again. He never even tried to contact me, not that I wanted him to.

Next week will be the fourth anniversary of losing Jacob. It's a dark time for me. Losing him shattered me in so many ways. I had to miss the last month or so of the season after losing him. I had a breakdown. Joel took it off as unpaid leave so he could keep an eye on me. If it hadn't been for him and Mandy, I wouldn't be here today."

"Emily, no. My God, my poor girl. I had no idea."

"Seb, I don't want your sympathy. Nothing will ever bring him back. He'd be at preschool now. I often think about what he would look like. How his voice would sound. He is always with me. So now you see, I'm broken Seb. I'm scared to love and to lose again. My heart can't take any more loss. That's why I wouldn't let you in, because I knew from the beginning that you were a danger to my heart. I should have listened to my head because I've only gone and fallen in love with you. I should have just stayed away from you."

Seb jumped up.

"Emily, don't say that. I love you," he declared, dropping to his knees by her side. He picked up her hand. "I love you so God damn much. I see now why you went off at me when you thought I was still with Carla. My darling. Please let yourself love. You deserve to be loved. You are loved! Look at me Emily. Look at me."

Emily shook her head, the tears streaming down her face. Everything had been building up to this meltdown. She'd bottled it up for too long. Meeting Seb had stirred up feelings inside her that she had thought she would never feel again. She was petrified and she couldn't handle it.

"I keep thinking, why would someone like you want someone like me?"

"Emily, I am just a man. Sure I drive fast for a living but I am just a man on his knees in front of the woman he loves, begging her to love him back. I need you Emily. Let me hold you. Let me love you." He stood and took her in his arms. The sobs tore through her body, as she weakened and fell into his embrace.

"I do love you Seb, I'm just petrified of losing you."

"You're not going to lose me. I'm here. I'm going nowhere." He held her until she stopped sobbing. He had no idea how long. Then he led her over to the bed and they slipped beneath the sheets. He took her in his arms and held her tight until she drifted off into an uneasy sleep.