Forever Ruined

Chapter Sixty

It had been weeks since their meeting with the Queen. Weeks without Clara by his side. For Benjamin, the wait was maddening. Far worse, somehow, than the wait was for Clara to return to him or the wait to discover her in India. Benjamin stared out of the window at Whites and sighed.

He looked at his watch and had seen it was nearly noon. He would get to see her again. Brummell always brought them to this street, before he came to the club to let them go about their daily walk about the park or shopping or whatever excuse Brummell could contrive for them to be out and about with him.

Every day, Clara would be certain to poke her head out of the carriage and wave to what would seem to be her guardian, but really, she was waving to him. Each day he watched her smile become a little more forced as the strain of their separation wore her down. He supposed this was the reason the wait was so difficult, because she wasn't where he couldn't reach her. She was right there in front of him but he couldn't have her and it was torture, pure torture, to see that carriage carry her off every single day.

Right on time, the carriage arrives. Benjamin knows this must be at Clara's urgings because Brummell always preferred to be fashionably late. Brummell leaves them and turns at the doors, Clara's face comes into view, her smile is bittersweet as she waves. Benjamin silently curses. He can't even wave back. Clara bit her bottom lip to control whatever emotion was threatening to overcome her before he watched her disappear again.

Brummell stares at his friend as he in turn stares forlornly out the window. "This is why I will never marry."

"What?" Benjamin asked tearing his gaze from watching the carriage vanish around the corner.

"Look at you, man! You are falling apart. Every day I bring her to you and every day you look gloomier for it. If this is what love can reduce a man to, some shoddy shell of his former self then you can keep it. I want no part of such sickness."

"My stay in purgatory is only temporary. Or so I pray, as the Queen must lift this ban from my heart someday."

Brummell shakes his head at his poor, pathetic friend. "Would you like to go to the Opera, this evening?

"The Opera?"

"Yes, I believe they are showing Arataxerxes. I have an empty seat in our box if you would care to join me?"

It only took a moment's hesitation to pick up on the word "our" Brummell meant that he would be bringing Clara and her companion with him. He was giving him the opportunity to spend an entire evening in her presence.

"I accept!"

"Delightful! I don't think I could take another moment of Clara or you looking so miserable." Brummell took the ticket from his breast pocket and slid it across the table to Benjamin.

Mr. Banks appeared at their table. "I've been away on business. Did I hear correctly that Lady Bentley has returned to Towne and you are her guardian?"

Mr. Brummell sighed annoyed by this interruption as it also sufficed to instantly remove the smile he worked so hard for from Benjamin's face. "Yes, Mr. Banks. Lady Clara Bentley is in my care or at least until her brother shows, but I was told he's been detained on business."

"Well, if that doesn't beat all.  When she left the marriage mart to pursue the nunnery she was but a child. So, looking forward to meeting the woman she's become."

Benjamin's hand clenched on the table as he tried to reign in his emotions, but his actions drew Mr. Banks' attention to the ticket still on the table. "The Opera! Of course, she was very passionate about music. Thank you, gentlemen. I will have to procure myself a seat and perhaps I will see you there." Mr. Banks tipped his hat and walked away.

"If he gets within one foot of Clara I will..."

"Do nothing," Mr. Brummell had concluded for Benjamin. Leaning in closer he said, "You must get hold of yourself. You have no claim on Clara."

"No Claim!" Benjamin's voice rose with the words that came flying out. Drawing unwanted attention Benjamin softened his voice to a whisper. "No claim! She is my wife!"

"Not to the rest of society she isn't. Not to the Ton or the Queen for they have not acknowledged the fact. So, if you don't wish to end up disgraced, a liar, you will keep your trap shut and you will play along until this ruse has come to its conclusion."

Benjamin knew Brummell was right. "Fine," he grumbled.

"What news do you have for me on that other matter I've asked for you to look into?" Benjamin asked changing the subject.

"It's all true I'm afraid. Byron is indeed a French Sympathizer. In fact, he practically idolizes Napoleon, I don't doubt he'll start writing odes about him soon but he's not a traitor."

"Just his support of Napoleon makes him so," Benjamin countered.

"If that is so then I may be a traitor myself. Oh, don't give me that look, Benjamin. We all know Prinny is a puffed-up, pathetic prince who will one day call himself our King. I shudder for that day as should you."

"I do but that is not my concern. You are talking revolution," Benjamin warned.

"I'd be more likely to get myself banished before I participate in any military coupe," Brummell admitted.

"What of Byron? Do you think he shares your view? If something were to occur and I had knowledge of his persuasions I will be forced to lay the blame squarely on my shoulders."

"Put down the rock, Altas. He just enjoys romanticizing the Emperor. That is all."

Benjamin was relieved to hear this. He did not wish his friend to become harmed nor did he wish to ignore the situation and have to answer for it.

"How is she?" Benjamin asked, changing the subject to what he truly wanted to know.

Brummell sighed. "She is holding up remarkably well under the circumstances. She misses you. I am sorry Benjamin for ever doubting her loyalty to you. Watching her suffer has made it quite apparent just how much she loves you."

"The feeling and suffering are mutual. The Queen however has tied my hands on the matter. At our latest meeting, she brought up the ball just to taunt me. I think she is quite fond of playing matchmaker and must believe absence makes the heart grow fonder. I think she wants us both to be in a tizzy before this ball. I almost wonder if her hopes are to create a scandal by putting Clara and me in this state of desperation for one another."

"It would be a most delicious scandal to be certain. Should it happen you wouldn't have to worry about Clara being shunned from society as you had no intention of sharing her with them in the first place."

"Things have changed," Benjamin admitted. "I cannot keep Clara cooped up in my house in the country. Alone. Forgotten. It isn't' right. If the Queen does not release me, once I discover what is going on with Mr. Banks and his French Sympathizers I will ask to retire."

"The Queen will never agree," Brummell warned.

"She will and she must. I must have the chance to give Clara the chance at the family she's always dreamed of and I'm not getting any younger and neither is she."

"But I thought you couldn't have any more children. The loss of your last child..." Brummell's look was grave.

"I know what I've done, Brummell but Clara deserves this. It's all she's ever dreamed of. It's her heart's one true desire, more than writing, more than adventure, is to be a mother. I will give her this gift."

"So, you will tell her the truth then?"

"I must."

"And if she rejects you?"

"She can't?"

"Are you so certain?"

Benjamin was not. Not even in the slightest but he must if they were to move forward, he must reveal to her the truth of all he's done, he only hoped their love would survive it.